Hi everyone,
I thought that it was time to check in again. In 10 days, I will have been sober for three months!
So many things seem to be changing for me. I completed the three week treatment program and I am at back at work. I am attending a weekly recovery group as well as attending two support groups for women with addictions. I never, ever, ever thought that I would be out of the house three times a week in the evenings. For over twenty years my husband has always wanted me with him when I wasn't at work, and since the kids were born, I have rarely left them with anyone else in the evening.
By far the biggest thing that I have learned is the importance of connecting with supportive, non-judgemental people on a regular basis. I always thought I spent so much time alone because I was shy and introverted and liked to be by myself. Now I understand that I have carried so much shame and self-loathing that I couldn't look anyone in the eye. The people who have patiently listened to me tell my story in the past couple of months have given me the tremendous gift of acceptance. I can't begin to explain how much that means to me.
At the same time, I am still struggling with intense cravings, especially when I am home on the weekends and have time on my hands or tension in the family. The good thing is that I have alot of support. Yesterday, for example, I was talking myself into believing that just one drink wouldn't hurt and I was able to recognize all the warning signs of an impending relapse. It was a really difficult day but I knew that I had an appointment Monday with the psychiatrist associated with the treatment program to discuss the medications I am on, and that I have three groups and an individual session with my therapist all coming up in the week ahead. I know that I will be able to talk about these struggles with people who won't judge me, who will help me make plans to avoid relapse and who genuinely care about me. I am so, so fortunate to have this support.
Everyone has to take their own journey and day treatment is not for everyone, but for me, it has been a gift that I am determined not to squander - even though it would be so easy to go back to all my old ways of thinking. It took me close to 2 1/2 years from the time that I really admitted my drinking was a problem to take the step of going into treatment. Walking through that door was the hardest thing that I have ever done in my life and now it seems so ironic. The hardest thing that I have ever done in my life has been to let people get close enough to care about me. And it feels really good to know that there are people who know the real me and accept me for who I am.
Connecting to this forum was a really important step in the journey for me and it can be for all of you too. As I read people's stories and comments, I am moved by everyone's honesty, vulnerabilty and concern for each other. This is a place where no one will judge you and you can feel safe. I hope that anyone out there who is feeling isolated and alone can find the strength to trust that good things come from reaching out to others.
