Thanks Dave, this is a post that really resonates with me. You have such a way of connecting with raw feelings and behaviours and putting them into words.
I know for sure that I, over the span of many years, have conditioned myself to "need" a base level of alcohol in my system before I would even arrive at a social situation. Particularly family dinners with my husband's family. Three, maybe four glasses of wine before even leaving my own house would give me the "base level" I needed to be on par with everyone else. So that I could walk into somebody else's home and be able to "absorb" the momentary attention that would be focused on me when I entered a kitchen filled with a bunch of people (family) who were already socializing. So that I could look people in the eye and accept the quick welcome hugs, so I could show confident interest in others while leaving behind the natural urge I would normally have to want to crawl into a cupboard and go unnoticed! So that I could be the caring, confident role model (oh, the irony) to the young teenager in the family who I know looks up to me, instead of standing on the other side of the room.So that the words flowed freely instead of being "stuck" and unsure of what to say. One of the toughest things about this "pre-drinking", as I have found, is that it is almost always positively reinforced. Nobody knows I have already been drinking, but the feedback I get from them in terms of love, conversation, friendliness, and the subsequent positive messages I send to myself about these interactions tell me over and over and over again that I NEED to drink to be lovable. When I don't drink(and this really only ever happened when I was pregnant), the awkwardness and anxiety is palpable.When I'm sober, I can't even tell you how many times people have said "you look so serious" or "you look sad" or " you have such a dirty look on your face!" When I'm not really feeling any of those things. I've been labelled that way my whole life; I don't even know why. I figure it is my contemplative face, haha. The words don't come, and when they do, my mind tells me they are wrong and bad; I am unable to let go of my own anxiety enough to openly care about anybody else, and well, it's just so much easier to stop those messages with alcohol than it is to try to overcome them. Which is always the challenge with alcohol - right? It's an easy cover up for something that truly needs and deserves work and attention. But when that work happens in silence, when nobody else has any idea how hard you might be working in an "easy" situation like a happy family dinner, it's easy to become discouraged.
The other side effect of pre drinking that I haven't mentioned.... and I come back to a quote I read in a book a few months ago: "Alcohol works, until it doesn't." My husband's family always has free flowing alcohol at their dinners. So, while they might be on their 3rd or 4th drink of the night, I will be on my 7th or 8th. But because I've arrived after the 4 I had at home being my "equalizers", I psychologically start back at 0 and keep up with the group. And then, suddenly, I am drunk; no longer quietly confident and classy. I've doubled their consumption and they don't know it. And the next day, I wake up and feel like I look like the person who just "parties too much", or who can't handle her alcohol, when really, all I was trying to do was function. To be acceptable. To be worthy and lovable. And while I take full responsibility for the social and health consequences, it somehow just doesn't seem fair.
Anyway, that's my rant. I am trying now to stop the "pre-drinking" and I am trying to counter all of those cognitive distortions that happen in socially anxious situations. It's about being okay with yourself, really. It doesn't matter what anyone else does or thinks. Not easy in practice.... but worth the ef
