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OK It?s now or never

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 79

Athena, it is disappointing to have a small setback, but just as everyone is telling you, you made a huge step just getting to the parking lot and skipping the liquor store is showing considerable strength as well.

Also, I know I get really frustrated when I can't keep things sorted out in my head and things seem to spin out of control and make you want to just give up and not think about it anymore. My journal has really been an invaluable resource for me to get those thoughts out of my head. We are happy to listen to them here, but I know a computer is not always handy when you need it. Those are the times I pull out my journal and just start dumping my brain on paper. It's nice cuz it's portable and you never feel the need to try and organize your thoughts into some logical line. Thoughts don't always come out so neatly packaged and organized and in a journal it's just a free for all...let 'er rip! ...then, too, if you feel like you wanna share those thoughts with us or with someone else, you always can. You can also take the time to review them later in the day...or weeks, months down the road to look back at where you were and where you are now and if there are things you want to consult someone else about or maybe try to handle things differently or look at how you may have been able to avoid a certain situation. Heck, sometimes it's just nice to look back and see how your head looks from the outside lookin in. :-)

Good plan to follow up on foxman's suggestion to look for a one-on-one contact, but don't let that keep you from making the drive back to the group's next meeting and keep pushing yourself to walk through that door. Hang in there! You're making good progress!

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 171

thank you everyone for your support. It means so much to me to know that there is somewhere I can be open about this without feeling quite so ashamed.

Knowing that there are people out there who understand also helped me to feel like my attempt to go to the meeting was not a total failure. My typical way of dealing with difficult challenges is to give up. I don't like my job - I find another one. I don't like my partner - I find another one. Facing this challenge is going to take courage and stamina. I can find courage in short bursts, but I don't think I will make it in the long run without others to support me. I have always thought I could be completely independent. You are helping me to understand that I don't have to be and that there are other chaices I can make.

Yesterday, I didn't stop at the liquor store. I had one small glass of wine (I found a bottle with a little left in the back of the fridge). The world didn't fall apart. I didn't explode in pain. I pretty much ignored my family - I got through the evening doing yoga, playing the piano and watching a really bad movie. This morning, I still have a headache, but I feel good.

Reading everyone elses posts can help me remember that this will be a long journey that I need to take one step at a time. I know that one of biggest risks is talking myself into believing that I can control this.

I am going to follow up on some of the suggestions that you have made. I will find out if it is possible to meet someone from Women for Sobriety before going to a meeting. I think I could have gone in if someone was with me.

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 18

I am proud of you for making it to the parking lot. That in itself was a big step. Please don't be so hard on yourself. It seems to me that you are not denying you have a problem and that it is bigger than you. Isn't that the first step?

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1562

i wonder if 'women in sobriety' have something similar to an AA Hotline, where you could call and talk to women in sobriety and have them come and talk to you one on one basis, rather than you going and facing the whole group? Thats what happens in a 12 step call. Usually couple of women/men depending on who calls in, visit the person who is looking for help. And after the initial rendezvous they introduce the person to the whole group.

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1022

I don't know Athena... you say you feel pretty confused, but to me it sounds like you are "suffering" the effects of dissipating confusion which is allowing clarity and calm to move in. Those transitions are always awkward. Yes? Thanks for being so honest with us about your efforts. I bet there are more than a few of us who have sat outside in parking lots trying to get ourselves into meetings.

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 11215

Hi Athena,

Good for you for trying to go. Maybe next time you will feel it is the right time and walk in. Remember there is nothing to be ashamed of. Looking for help takes strength, be proud of that. It sounds like you could really let some of those thoughts out and talk about them. How would it feel if you were able to let them out? How do you think it would feel if you were able to walk in?

Ashley, Health Educator

Here to help :)

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 171

So I didn't go. I went and sat in the parking lot for 45 minutes trying to get the courage to walk through the door. I couldn't do it. I thought about stopping to buy a bottle of wine - but I didn't. I went home and my family was so happy to see me that it felt good to be there. I had two glasses of wine (that's what was in the fridge) and for some reason I felt calm. I had a very vivid dream where I did walk into the building and this gentle young man, took me by the hand and walked me upstairs to the group. There was no one there that I knew - which was good. I didn't feel any connection to anyone there either though.

I am very confused right now. I had an awful day yesterday where I couldn't get out of my head. Every interaction I had was filtered through these rambling thoughts - what if they knew?...maybe they do know... how can anyone be so confident and accomplished?...it's too late for me ...I will never be satisfied with who I am.

Yet somehow when I got home I felt calm. Or maybe I felt numb. I'm really not sure.

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 221

Athena,

Let us know how your meeting went. Be proud of yourself for taking this step!

Members, thanks for all you kind words and insight!

Helena, Health Educator

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 79

Athena, my heart goes out to you. Making that commitment is a very smart thing. It always seems so much easier to put off the problem til tomorrow or til the next meeting or til after the next holiday. Only problem with that logic is the problem just gets bigger and bigger, making it harder and harder. Getting started sooner gets ya feelin better sooner and then, instead of the problem growing, your confidence starts growing and your drive to continue feeling good and feeling better and happier everyday gets stronger and stronger. I'll be thinkin bout you this evening and hoping tomorrow finds you feeling better and stronger.

You're on the right track and you got plenty of us rootin for you here!

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 18

so proud of you athena, i will be thinking about you tonight, please let us know how it goes, seems to me yiou are making some pretty big steps in planning for tonight. you can do this

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