I must admit I am terrified about the future. I have always used alcohol as an identity trait for myself, and I know this is going to be a rough experience. For years I have drank in excess but never saw it as a problem. In the last year, however, I had started being prone to mood swings and did nothing to control my consumption (which makes them much worse.)
I have a very full plate with 2 jobs, 2 kids, amd a full school load. I began drinking more due to the stress, which made me start neglecting my work, which made more stress and depression. Just a never ending spiral.
My fiancee was patient with my problem for 2 years. However, my mood swings started to get much worse. I controlled myself with the kids, but sometimes would get uncontrollably angry after they went to bed.
I would say completely ridiculous and rude things to a wonderful woman. I even realized what I was doing but could not stop myself. Now, 2 months from the wedding and she left me. It has taken me losing everything to realize that I am NOT okay and HAVE to do something about my problem. My health had started to decline, my mind feels fried, and I hurt my only friend in the world by saying awful things.
I am hopeful that she comes back, but there is no way I can continue living life this way. Im worried that if we work things out, I will not change though.
Ive watch almost everyone in my family unsuccessfully deal with addiction. So, I am scared. I never wanted to be this person and all I want to do is tell the people I love that I am sorry.
I apologize for the long windedness. My mind is everywhere right now.
