ruralradiance:
Well I say that you did the right thing, in the first instance. Instead of staying where you where, you walked away from the situation. That was good and you should be proud of that. I understand your sense of failure with regard to the second course of action. There is nothing worse than setting our mind on a goal and then having our progress blunted by an unfortunate situation. But fear not, you are not the first to take a step back into this addiction and I dare say you will not be the last. But instead of beating your self up over the incident, why not use it as a learning experience. If you do I promise you that your coping skills will be greatly enhanced. Never forget that cessation is a learning process and sometimes we have to get knocked down a bit just so we can learn to stand up again.
For years and years and years we have used cigarettes as an escape hatch. Those little round sticks have been a way of regaining ourselves when the world tells us we are nothing at all. We enjoy the ritual of handling the smokes, we relish the act of lighting one up and most of all we love the fact that the thin blue veil of smoke has the power to allow us a sense of safety when emotional chaos comes calling.
But think about this...We where not born doing this. Somewhere along the line, we taught ourselves to seek the protection of this addiction. We practiced our rituals until the rituals became ingrained behavior. And once that was done the substance itself insured that we would come back to it time and again by exploiting biological functions of our bodies. Take some time to study the physiology of this addiction. Understand that nicotine is able to mask itself as a very important neurotransmitter in the brain. And it is this process that allows nicotine, a substance foreign to the human body, to release "feel good" substances into our bodies. It is these substances that give you the sense of well being that you so dearly crave in times of crisis. Just as you did in this most situation. But I promise you that as you become more and more aware of why you smoke, you will find your key to cessation...In many ways we are both the jailer and the prisoner...We must seek the strength to demand the keys to our cell from ourselves...
This is a very difficult and complicated addiction. But it is not so convoluted that we can not find our way out of the forest. The first thing to realize is that just as we taught ourselves to smoke, we must teach ourselves how to end our relationship with the addiction. And this is the road upon you have wisely set your feet.
I do hope that you will come back and discuss your situation with the folks here. There are many compassionate souls on this site who struggle as you do. Find people here with whom you resonate. They are here and I know they are waiting to help you stand up again.
stay well
nonic