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A really bad day.....

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A really bad day.....

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1153

Goofy,
I really like your post. It's so very true that we can't change other people but only ourselves. Hopefully through changing ourselves, we encourage or inspire those around us to change.
Sheba,
You do have a lot on your plate and it's hard when you are dealing with your family as their relationship is so important to you. Have your parents met your boyfriend? Do they know what a wonderful person he is and how happy he makes you? Remember that as parents, they only want the best for you and they are looking out for your safety and well-being. That being said, it doesn't always mean that what they want for you is best for you. It's up to you to communicate this to them and to help them understand what you would like for yourself. Hopefully they will learn to accept your goals and ambitions.

Brenna, Bilingual Health Educator

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 185

My parents lived in rome for many years so they know the city very well. And is less chaotic than Bucharest...

The main problem is my boyfriend especially because him is not a graduate, even if is a splendid person. But for them is not enough. They want for me a men with a great social position etc. Like I was their show dog and need a pedegree companion....

As for innocent ... I started working since 21 with them along with university. and I had a lot of responsabilities. for two years I organized informatics training with doctors. Practically I have to organize events and support the teaching staff all over Romania. So they at least should know that I can manage strange situations and that I'm independent.

But as soon as I was out for nearly 2 years to work on my thesis my mother just gone out. I needed to fight for almost 2 years to go to live in my own home. It is my grandmother apartment.

And every day seems to go even worse. I cannot understand.

When I was in high schiool they didn't care where I spent all day now they pretend to know everything. So... huh?!?!

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3043

Just a thought - I had a very rocky relationship with my dad as a youngster. When I was about 22 I was reading a magazine. It said, "have you ever looked in a mirror and seen your mother?". It was an advertisement for some beauty cream. I thought to myself - no, but I have seen my dad. The reason we don't get along is because we are so much alike and it's his fault (faulty thinking, but it worked). So I changed my behavior. When dad would try to engage me in an argument or he would make me made, I communicated differently. As a result, he didn't have a choice but to change his responses to me. Eventually (it took a while) we no longer had that issue in our relationship and continue to communicate 24 years later more effectively (not perfectly). My dad is still an alcoholic today, but we can communicate and I set my boundaries. The hardest part was accepting him for who he is and realizing I can only change me - not him. But as a result of changing my thought (faulty or not), I changed my behavior which inevitably changed his (communication).

Am I making any sense?

Goofy

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3043

Hi Sheba,

Wildcat really makes a good point in her post. Any thoughts about this? It seems to explain alot of the unwillingness to hear you. What do you think?

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 538

Hello Sheba,

I just read this thread. I was wondering how you were today. I see you got tons of wonderful advice from the people on this forum. I wish I had more to add but I must admit I am at a loss here. I have a wonderful relationship with my mom. My dad and me used to fight a lot and I had cut him out of my life at one point. HE made efforts and now we have a very good relationship. My step-dad and me get along as long as we are not living together lol. As for my step-mom I had cut her out of my life but she is making efforts so I let her in again. So as you can see, I am not necesserily a good source of insight on parents. I mean I cut out some people out of my life and that was my way of dealing. In my case it had good results but it could have been a really bad and sad ending....I do want to say that you are in my thoughts. I do hope things resolve themselves for you really well and really soon. Please keep us posted. Sorry I could not be any help.

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1693

Sheba,

I replied to another one of your threads regarding your parents. What do you think?

Also, wildcat just brought up a good point. Have you sat down with your parents and discussed your independence and maybe even your boyfriend, so that they feel more comfortable with your situation?

Breanne, Bilingual Health Educator

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3043

Sheba,

I think a light just went off for me. I misunderstood something somewhere and thought your family was in Italy and you were in another part of Italy. But if you are in Italy, the center of arts and culture and learning, and your parents are in Rumaina ... There ia a big fear of losing you. That I just came to understand. And an Italian Boyfriend, not the boy-next-door. No wonder they are ready to pull all the heart-strings to bring you home.

Your parents probably have the visions of all parents of the nasty Big-City-Lights that will Steal our sweat INNOCENT child from us. Is it that they do not your environment? Far away? All kinds of stories? even those somewhat Racist steriotypical jargons ? All italian men are ... ? The Sicillians are...?

At 2am parents are not rational they are emotional and these haunt their nigtmares. Only reassurances that there is no place like home can calm the hysterical parent....

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 185

So i've been away from them for the last year and a half. And no help every time when I came back is worse. I'm doing my PhD in Italy and they are in bucharest. Every time I came bak simply seems that they are out of control.... When they are only accusing me is hard to just talk. It is impossible and I donn't know what to do. When I came back even if I have my own home my mother tries to me me stay with them.... I don't know if I will ever get better with them.

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3043

Hi Sheba,

I understand how you feel, but cutting ties with your family is probably not going to make your situation with them better. When I said break, I meant being able to take time away from them to collect your thoughts. You and your parents should be thankful your boyfriend calmed you down!

I hear you when you say you've been trying Goofy's suggestions for communication and have not been successful. You know your parents best - why would they not hear you? Are they extremely stubborn/set in their ways that they can't/won't hear you? Can you identify the dynamic that keeps you from being able to be heard?

When you talk to your parents, do you start the conversation or do they start it? Do all your talks begin confrontational? Is there ever a time when you pull them aside and set the tone of the conversation first before it is confrontational? Perhaps it's the tone of the converstion and not the words. It's harder to listen when your blood pressure is up and your ears only hear your heart beating.

I don't know if this is helpful to you or not, as I said, these situations are hard. However, it is important that you keep trying. For your sake as well as theirs. Keep us posted Sheba, my thoughts and prayers are with you.

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 185

I'm trying to do this for the last 4 or 5 years... so ios a little difficult if not impossible.

Two years ago I was thinking just to go away and end all communication with them. But my boyfriend managed to calm me down. So I really don't know...

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A really bad day.....