Hi All,
Thank you for your responses and support. It helps.
I must admit that I read Gigi's post this AM before leaving for work and have thought about her post today. Please know that your comments were received well and I understand where you are coming from. My first marriage was emotionally and somewhat physically abusive. So I know what you are saying. My first marriage was so bad and I did live in denial for many years just to survive. I have considered what you wrote and I do understand that we tend toward the same things in life. There's a bit of control issue here as well. Not all control is bad, but lately I have felt a bit emotionally abused where I did not previously. Like I said - hurt people do hurt people. I have identified where I have or circumstances rather have hurt him. I can't totally blame him for his reactions. Inside I feel the same way about some things, but feel it will get us nowhere at this point to both have our raw feelings hanging out there.
I've been working hard on me, since I am the only factor in this thing that I can control. I have been working on my depression/anxiety issues. I've adopted a less stressful attitude about my daughters who are able to make their own decisions and do not live in my house anymore. I must accept that for better or worse, they must live with the consequences of their decisions. I cannot fall to pieces because I'm worried or afraid for them. It's making me crazy. I have decided that these things will need to stay in God's hands.
I have been reading up on marriage issues and have learned that I have not considered my husband as I should have. The stress with my daughters, work, other family matters have come between us. I have fault here. I understand that I do not own all the blame, but if I concentrate on his faults and not mine, I am way off base. Mine are the only ones I can do anything about. So I work on me and when I become tired and have my feelings hurt I vent here. This is quite often but it does give me an outlet that also has the potential for feedback that just may be the solution to an issue.
If the opportunity to go to counseling arises I will take it, but have held back myself from getting couseling. I simply do not find that I am comfortable with counseling and do not feel it has ever helped me in any great way. I don't know why but I simply can't feel comfortable discussing my issues with someone who has the "job" of listening to me. I've never felt like any of the advice has been helpful or anymore helpful than reading a book has been. If I found someone who I connected with it might be helpful, but that's like finding a needle in a haystack. I will continue to consider it however.
Again, thank you all for your replies and support. Doing what I wrote about is much harder than it sounds. My feelings are very hurt, and I want to give up every day. Writing here keeps me from doing so, thanks to you all.
