Gabs, Have fun! Sounds like you've prepared well! A few e-mails or phone calls to your dad during your trip may help ease you both, but that for you to decide. Have you tried a relaxation technique for your attacks? Have you had a look at our sister site the Panic Center? We hope you have a great vacation! You deserve it! Danielle, Bilingual Health Educator

Hi gabs The holiday sounds great, and I'm sure that you'll have a lovely time once you get there. I'm not really good with in-between times, either. You're getting good support from people who know you better, but I wanted to say something about your worries about your father. My mother was the major caregiver for my father after his stroke. She had an opportunity to go to China for 3 weeks with my aunt and a group of their friends -- a fantastic opportunity and one that would never come again. Dad could get around on his own, but was becoming more disoriented and Mom was worried that she shouldn't go. My sister and I worked out a schedule so that one of us would always be with him and sent her off. Change of caregiver, perhaps, he did deteriorate somewhat the first day or so after she left, but otherwise that was it. She had an amazing time, and came home much refreshed. Good thing, because Dad was a lot of work! Your Dad is worried, but your going on holiday is not going to change his time. He may well, and hopefully will, live another 20 years -- you can't be expected to be available to him immediately everyday for the rest of his life. Even if he doesn't live another 20 years, you need to be able to move around of your own accord. Do whatever you need to do to dispel the anxiety, and enjoy yourself. Sounds like you really deserve it!

Hi Guys, Well today despite the onset of a cold, i am feeling a little better and the tears have stopped. Your posts have made me smile, for a couple of reasons, love the sound of a good looking young thing to do the massage, what fun! The other was from dumpling re holding the husbands hand. Havent done that for years, maybe i'l give it a try, though i dont know if i could handle the rejection, would probably still make me smile though, his loss right? I am also taking DLs advise and doing the things that I can do and not stressing about what I cant. No floor washing for me then! The Dr has given me a months supply of meds along with a covering letter for the customs. I have rejected most of my summer wardrobe as not a lot fits so very easy to pack as nothing to choose from! Also cant wear my high heels due to the back problems so looks like it will be a suitcase full of hand bags! Trying hard to keep the thoughts positive. We are off to Cape Town, one of my favorite citys although it is 6 years since my last visit. I am looking forward to eating fresh sea food and visiting the beautiful wine route where we plan to spend a couple of nights in a small hotel in a vineyard. My Chiropractor has also recommended someone in the Cape where he will e mail a report for me. So all good, so why the panic attacks still. I guess until I am on that plane I will just have to take deep breaths and deal with the damn things. My Father wanted to call an ambulance last night as he had chest pains. I am sure that he is having panick attacks about me being away. I know he will be cared for, so that will have to be his panic and i cant allow it to become mine. Hmm hope I can stick to that one. I have stuck post it notes all over the house for my daughter, like what goes with what in the washing machine etc. Also emergency numbers of plumbers, gas, etc etc. Only to make me feel better, she just thinks i'm nuts. I have tried to explain to her that there is no switch to flick when they get to 18 years to stop you being a mother. I have printed off all my session sheets to take away with me and hope that I will get past session 6. At least hopefully it will keep me on track. Only 1 week before I go so Here's hoping that I can keep those negative thoughts at bay. Will keep you posted. x

I suggest looking over the massage therapists at the vacation spot to get a muscles good looking young THING to rub out some of the tension.

Hi Guys Thank you so much for your support and encouraging words. I am off to see my Dr this morning. The other thing that has been worrying me is that she wanted to change my meds. After reading your posts, i realised I do have a say in this and I am going to ask her if we can leave well alone until after my holiday. I just couldnt face coming off these meds and trying new stuff while I am away. So thats one problem shelved. I have also been making a list of all the things that are worrying me along with, the whats the worst that can happen bit. Being away from my father, whilst worrying will do me good. He is already started to 'play up' as I am going away. I know he is fearful that he will have another heart attack and end up in hospital. I have assured him that i could be home in a day if needs be and that my daughter will be there for him. My biggest worry is of course how my back will hold up on the long flight. Not very well if last night was anything to go by. But whats the worst that can happen? well I get to walk around the plane, not sleep and be in pain. Much the same as if i were at home. I just didnt want to arrive having had no sleep and in pain but have to accept that thats now the reality and the 1st day will be spent with me in bed and hopefully a good back massage! Looking forward to getting some sun on my back. Just so much to organise like getting the Dr to give me a prescription for a months worth of meds! you know how they dont like to give us depressives too much in case we do something stupid! Thanks so much again. You guys have a way of calming me down and making me see the bigger picture. Will keep you posted. x

hi gabs, the physical has a direct impact on out mental. So if you are still living with pain you might be exhausting that energy. And if you recently put through major surgery you need to heal from those cuts and burns... THAT is a lot of physical healing of sensitive areas. Your back affets your whole mobility; where as a finger makes it hard to appreciate a good cup of tea ;p Stress is another factor. It does funny things to the immune system and slows healing. It upsets our balance and our sleep. So you have a very good reason to be tired!! and you have a good reason to get away and REST. a vacation might be a good idea. I say might ... because of myself. I have had panic attacts in the past. I suffer from a bit of agoraphibia. I hate to travel more than 2 hours away from my home. There have been years where I lied to my husband and told him I couldn't get the same vacations as him because he had some wonderful ideas of travelling far and wide! avoidance BIG TIME! but if you enjoyed travelling in the past, your current fears might be linked to your fragile state and your incomplete healing. Take a look at where you are going on the net. Big cities usually have sites that boast of their wonderful tourist traps. There are usually lists of hotels to look at the accomodations and announcements for local businesses - shops restaurants, museums, beaches... and let me know if anything is nice in the area of the world you're to visit.

Gabs, Don't be so hard on yourself. Physical pain will leave anyone frustrated and sad. Instead of focusing on what you can't do, what you don't feel. Start with the small things you can do, the moments of peace you have, no matter how brief. What interests you about your trip? Start trying to let go of those negative thoughts, holding onto them isn't working for you. Hang in there and feel better soon. Danielle, Bilingual Health Educator

Gabs, You're not the only one feeling like crap despite nice dinners and present giving and good connection with my son over the holidays. Partly I'm in the dumps because of this terrible chest infection (went to the hospital yesterday and had sinus and chest xrays and the whole shebang seems to be emanating from infected sinuses so I'm back on another set of anti-biotics) which has made me feel scared with the breathlessness and the weakness but mostly because I'm missing my wife now and have been since I left South Africa for Canada. It's very lonely without her and I'm afraid that I won't see her over here until the Summer or even later as it's been so slow to get all the documents prepared for the Government and so on... Of course you're disappointed about the back operation and the very unhelpful prognosis for the future you told us about earlier. So, you're going to have a very different holiday; you're going to take it hour by hour and you're going to relax into the pleasure of just letting the sun heal your spirit. Don't even think about having to please anybody else right now - just concentrate on being good to yourself. Dumpling has the right idea - just enjoy the immediacies of nature that surround you. Stay inside yourself so you can right the balance of your strong self....when you're ready you will know how to deal with your new physical condition and use your analgesics to accomodate what you CAN do and not some spurious set of "duties" that you think you SHOULD be doing. Get new, Gabs!! You're very strong and very caring and you have that essential sense of humour needed to cope with life now... rather let your husband care for you whether or not he understands what all the levels of your physical and psychic pain may mean.... be like the cliched willow tree and bend with the wind rather than the oak which struggles to stay stiff and upright but cracks in the storm.... Remember that we're all here and thinking about you ...

A holiday is extra stress. That's part of why you just want to go to bed. And I am sorry to hear that your back problems was not corrected by the surgery. But hiding in to bed is not good for you. I know how hard it is to drag myself out of bed and I am not in pain, so I understand the need to hide from the world. Your husband will never really understand your depression but he is trying to help with the trip, instead of just thinking about himself. So that is good. Decide to enjoy the trip. Lie in the sun and hold your husband's hand. Let the warmth soak up the pain. Right now the sun is shinning through my window, reflecting off pure white untrodden snow. There are tiny flakes, lazily floating down, glittering in the sunlight. There is a cardinal at our bird feeder, making a festive contrast to the snow. Observe the beauty and let it give you hope.

Hi Guys, Have been feeling too awful to post. I so wanted to start the new year with a positive mind and a feeling of welbeing. I am so dissapointed with myself. I HATE myself for allowing myself to crash again. I dont know whats done it. I really dont. I had an easy Christmas, lots of help around the house. I have done Nothing physical, I just think its the huge dissapointment of the back op not working. I am now trying to get my head around going on a long wanted holiday. Thats supposed to make me feel good and excited right? Well all i feel is panic. I have no strength, physically especially. My body is so weak as I have been lying around for so long. Mentally, i'm a mess. The tears have started agein and I just want my bed. I know thats no good for me and now impossible as I have to pack, which means getting the summer clothes from the loft and finding out what fits. A lot of weight has been added to my frame over the past year! To make me feel worse, guilty, my husband doesnt understand why i am this way when he has gone to the trouble of organising a very expensive holiday. I feel sorry for him, I really do. I am horrible. I dont want to feel this way. I thought I was doing so well but have gone back so far and dont know why. i am taking my meds as regular as clock work. I feel as if my body is shutting down on me and I just want to hide away from everything. I read Sandys post on thought of the day and it was so inspiring i just cried. I couldnt feel that way and I so want to. Have to go, the tears wont stop again!