9 1/2 Weeks on ~ I
have been doing my therapy religiously every day, sometimes I will come on the
site several times each day for guidance, support, education and sometimes just
for the company of others going through similar experiences to myself.I know it
is still early days in my therapy, I have had so much counseling in the past 20
years and realize that it didn't work because I didn't fully commit to it, in
fact apart from my marriage I don't think I have fully committed to anything in
my life. But then again Is that just MY thinking or is it the thinking of
everyone who knows me?.
I know now that when
I think negatively about things to stop for a moment think of the same thing as
someone else and find my opinion is different, therefore proving the fact that
it IS my way of thinking that has ruined so many relationships and situations
in my life and only I can change those thoughts.
Since my first blog,
I have, I feel I have made some progress, I am still not taking the Zoloft, but
instead of waiting for my medical practitioner to actually help me (I have
waited too many years to count) I have changed surgeries and now have a new Dr
reviewing my medication.
Luckily I have not
suffered many side effects from the withdrawal.
After I was arrested I self referred myself to
a National Health Service counseling course and have had my assessment, but I
also didn't sit and wait for people to do things for me, the OLD me would have
sat back and let everyone else do the running around. I rang my hospital and
arranged to get photocopies of all my mental health records which I knew would
help in my case, as I knew what happened that day was not actions I would have
done willingly and consciously.
I also
had a pre-sentencing report written, talking to the probation officer assigned
helped us both realize the actions of that day were SO out of character for me,
that I knew in the end everything would be fine. I took responsibility for my
actions even though the medication had been a huge factor in what occurred.
I attended court for my sentencing on Thursday
this week, I had been having daily panic
attacks since the
incident and my anorexia had returned with avengence, but I knew this had to be
done, I had to move on with this and begin to LIVE my life. I attended court alone, I sat in court for 9
hours waiting for my case to be called, The seats were those very cold metal
ones with holes in, it was snowing and dark outside, I was freezing, tired and
had a migraine, My spine ( which I broke in 94, was really hurting, also as my
anorexia had returned I had just bones poking into the metal chair, when I got
home I had a huge round bruise with holes imprinted into it, which made me
laugh) but I knew it was my own fault I was there so just told myself to stop
feeling sorry for myself and get on with it. I felt calm even though I was
alone I knew that the people that mattered most to me who couldn't be there
were there in spirit, my partner had to work but was messaging me all day.
Because of certain facts in my mental health records ( being raped twice) I was left until the last case of the day to
make me feel more comfortable which was very considerate of my barrister. When
I entered the dock I was asked to take a seat whilst the judge read through my
pre-sentencing report, this was when I began to feel those familiar feelings,
pounding heart, dizziness, nausea, tingling, I put my box breathing to use and
within 10 minutes was once again feeling calm.
When It was time for
sentencing I stood and I was dreading the result, (he had been rather harsh
with his sentencing that day with other people and listening to other cases I
realized that many of the people had similar problems to me, be it
alcoholism, victim of rape, assault
etc), and that was when I had my epiphany, I'm not mad I just need guidance and
support to help me be the good person I really am.
I was given a fine
and told to go home, continue with my therapy which was obviously helping (as I
had attended alone and had controlled my anxiety) and to enjoy living my life.
I had been to ashamed to share what had happened with anyone other than my partner,
but earlier in the week I had confided everything in my eldest twin daughter
who had been very supportive, and gave loving words of encouragement.
My partner who has a very stressful job and
suffers from depression himself had been a rock to me through this, even though
I had given him more to stress about, our relationship was put on pause the
moment of my arrest which did hurt me when he told me this, as I felt I needed
him so much more, but in hindsight and by this stage in my counseling I understood
where this reasoning came from.
Anyway this blog is
turning into a novel, sorry, I will end it on a huge positive, all the sessions
and forum support I have had, helped me get through this, my relationship with
my eldest daughter and my partner are stronger than ever, also the fractured
relationships I have with other members of my family are beginning to heal,
slowly buy surely.
I am beginning to
feel again, I have been numb for so long, I am noticing and enjoying the cold
crisp fresh air, the snow on the hills opposite (I can see it from my balcony
window as I write this from my partners home in Ireland), I am going to enjoy a
Christmas for the first time in decades, just enjoy my family, I will get to
see my new great niece for the first time, I have so many things to live for.
Thank you to
everyone who has posted on this site, I have learned so much from reading your
comments, thank you to the health educators, I am a different me, a more
improved version, someone I actually quite like for the first time in my life.
I know I still have a long road ahead of me and it may never end, but I am
going to enjoy traveling that road, with my loved ones and new found friends at
my side.
Happy holidays to
you all, may the New Year bring you joy & happiness, and remember you are
never truly alone, you have a stronger more positive you inside, and you have
all of your new "family" here.
•What am I thinking right now?
•What was I doing just before I got anxious?
