I don't have any children, (not my choice). But I do have a disability that has disrupted my life. It is similar to empty nest. For years I got up every day and took care of my animals on my hobby farm, but it got too hard. I had to let them go. I miss them something fierce but I shifted to some thing else. Part computer part hobbies that were easier (never mind the garden) just to take up the empty space.
So I guess the question still is how do other people deal with the empty space?
I have two friends that are estranged from there children, some days I just want to hug them and tell them it is OK, it happens. I imagine it can be very painful and I thank God I did not go through that.
I am kind of at the same spot as you, I have 2 sons...21 and 18. The youngest is still at home, but even though he's still here I no longer have to parent him. My oldest has been gone for the better part of 2 years now, and he hasn't made the best choices, so I worry about him, but my mothering job is no longer welcome (if that makes sense).
My main purpose for 20 years was raising them, so I know how difficult it is to change focus.... I'm slowly developing new things...this group for example, learning golf, taking care of myself more....I'm finding my life a little less stressful every day ..hubby and I are doing things together, and without kids, so we talk more about us, that's all positive. I love Sunny's suggestions...I may try some of them! Give yourself time, you sound like youre on the right track!
What I learned about role transitions that really helped is that there are both positive and negative aspects of my old role (Mom of a child) and new role (Mom of an adult). My old role wasn't all good and my new role isn't all bad. It's more balanced than I thought. So, I don't have that "all or none thinking" (it's all good or all bad). I am applying it to my life by looking for the good in my new role, positive self talk, and reviewing the facts of the pro's and con's list of former and present roles for reinforcement. Change is positive; it's room for growth. I am posing a new question. What positive aspects did you find in being an empty nester?
Thank you both for your excellent information; it is really very helpful. I am going to work on Session 15 next, because I feel it will prepare me with the tools I will need when my daughter comes back for a short week before heading off to college again. I will then begin Session 2 and go in order from there. Sunny123, you have given me a lot of ideas to think about and I am very grateful. Thank you for posing those questions. I feel like I have gone from 0 ideas, to having many, many options. Thanks for giving me a place to begin. I truly appreciate you both for taking the time to respond and also for caring. Thanks for your support!
When my children left the nest, like you I was actually pretty happy that they could go out and take care of themselves, and was proud that they all went to university/college. As soon as the last one left, I fixed her room up as the computer room - repainted and set up some bookshelves. We all laughed about it, she didn't mind at all. However, I did get a part-time job for 2-3 days a wk. and maybe that helped. I didn't get paid much but it was pocket money for fun things, hobbies, etc. I also did more volunteer work and that kept me busy. There are many places where they need volunteers. I wanted to give back to my community and it feels good to be able to do something. May seem like a drop in the bucket, but those drops add up to a full bucket. There are senior places who need people, blood donor clinics, food banks, schools, girl scouts, church groups. The list for help is long. Look around your community, is there a talent you could share? What are your interests? Where do you think you might fit in? Or you could study something new, join a club, or the gym. Hope I've given you some ideas, good luck. You may not feel like doing any of the above, but once you get going and meet new people, etc. it may motiviate or inspire you for something else. Keep up the contacts.
First of all thank you for sharing this with us, it sounds like you are struggling with making a role transition, is that right? Working through the program is a great way to find out more about the underlying causes of panic and anxiety.
Further along in the program, session 15 is all about role transitions. This session discusses the relationship between major changes in your life and anxiety. It will also help you find techniques to help you define and understand your new roles. I think this session will really help you to figure out what your new role is and what you can focus on for the future. Jump ahead and work through this session if you feel like it would be helpful to do this session sooner. Let us know what you found helpful about this session and how you will apply what you learned to your life.
As always, feel free to ask us any questions you have along the way. We are here for you Shari!
I used to have random panic attacks, throughout my life, when going through a difficult or stressful time. When my daughter went away to college, the anxiety and panic attacks happened often enough for me to fear panic attacks and have it become a disorder. Being a Mom was my purpose in life and when she left, my focus shifted off of her and onto myself. It's been two years and I still haven't adjusted. I used to be passionate about things like showing dogs, or rescuing animals, but I can't come up with anything I can get excited about. I feel lost and isolated. I don't live close to friends or family and my husband is a good person, but is the silent type, so there is a void when my daughter left. She's very independent and work oriented which are good qualities, but I rarely hear from her or see her due to internships between college semesters. I've been on this program for 6 days now which has been my focus and all of the resources and people are a huge help. I just wonder what other people did when their kids left the nest and how did they find their purpose or a new role in life. Note: I am not worried about her, she is doing well on her own. I am worried about what am I going to do with the rest of my life. It's a new stage in life and I'm not sure what to do. Any ideas?
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