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Getting by.

9 years ago 0 +0 / -0 2508

Hi Hugs, You do what's best for You like your doing. These other people have not walked in your shoes so they could not possibly know what you need or what's best for you right now. Follow your instincts and do what ever you think you need to do to get the rest and peace you that you need right now. It's time to take care of you now. There's plenty of time to go back to work for you choose to do so later on. Remember you are in the driver seat now and don't be afraid to set boundaries with others if you need to either..I am just learning how to do this more now and yes it is ok to state how you feel...Take Care....Red:)

9 years ago 0 +0 / -0 6252

Well here I am carrying the bucket again. This post isn't just me babbling. It is me showing you how my life has become after years and years of debilitating panic attacks. It is me showing that this really does work. Am I wasting my time. Would you rather hear how they were so you have something to compare too. well why not, It will be good exposure.

It is two o'clock in the morning and I pop awake thinking I'm inside the fire box of a steam engine, I don't know what I'm doing in there, besides they are cleaned from the outside. I've been watching steam engine videos. I like steam engines. I can feel the firebrick and taste the ashes. My heart is pounding and I need to go sit on the toilet. I'm freezing so grab a blanket off the bed and sit on the toilet. Nothings happening except I'm shivering. Can't stop panicking, Can't sit still. I get dressed and put the kettle on. Still shaking bad and I'm terrified. Now I'm too hot. Leave the kettle and go outside. Look at the clock on the way out. Now I'm pacing up and down the driveway and it is winter. All I can see is my foot prints. I try to go back in the house and make tea. Can't sit still, back outside. back pacing. Hours later by the clock it subsides. My tea has gone cold so I heat it. and I'm left rung out and wondering why this happened. I'm so tired because some form of this happens every night like clock work. I have time loss. It feels like three hours is compressed into fifteen minutes. I'm in knots. Back to sleep although I might as well stay up even though I will sleep now.

That my friends was five years ago. I can't describe the terror, but if you have felt it you would know. I still get tangled in the blankets and panic but I don't have attacks. As for anxiety and worry, they are almost non existent. I had to work hard to get this out of memory and it is only a fact now not a trigger. I know there were other sensations and symptoms but they are lost to me now. For which I am very happy.

Davit

Ps, it gets better and better. At one time I could have an attack just thinking about them. They are gone, really gone.

9 years ago 0 +0 / -0 6252

Hugs

I'm good at telling people to screw off and leave me alone. I make noodles in a pasta machine now but the first time I did it I used a pizza cutter wheel to cut the noodles. Still do for ravioli. I like egg noodles in soup.

I'm retired because I can't work but people used to think I had lots of time to help them. Ignore them it is your life, live it your way. I like to try different things, mostly with food. Have you ever made bagels. They are different than store bought. Much better.

Davit.

9 years ago 0 +0 / -0 4027

Davit, It wasn't frozen, but fresh. After a couple of hours, it rose beautifully. I accidentally punctured it when stretching it, but it should be okay. I found a recipe online for making pasta dough from regular flour, and want to try it. I don't know what to do with myself, with mom being gone...I miss her so much. I wish family was more supportive, and I'm tired of hearing "get a job". I want to tell some of these people to get a soul or heart! I've been working since I was 15, and left a great paying job to care for mom, 5 years ago, and think I need some peace.

9 years ago 0 +0 / -0 6252

Hugs

Frozen bread dough has almost twice as much yeast so it should still rise. If I remember rightly it made pretty good bread. I haven't used it in close to 35 years.

Hey it is 5:00 and not dark, odd I never noticed the days are getting longer. Weather man keeps changing his mind, now he says it is going to snow. It is too warm. I don't care what it does.

Davit

9 years ago 0 +0 / -0 4027

Davit, I took some store-bought dough, and forgot to leave it at room temperature, before massaging it with olive oil. Oh well, I'll see if it rises anyway. I saw one guy just roll it out, but I imagine it was already at room temperature.

9 years ago 0 +0 / -0 6252

Hugs

The cats think nothing of bothering me when they want out and I want to sleep. It is too tempting to bother them when they are sleeping during the day. I left a bag of kitty treats on the bed and theodore found how to get in it. He would have ate the whole thing.

It is dark now so I can't tell if it is still raining. I don't care, I don't have to go anywhere for a week if I don't want to. I got ink for the printer today and food for me. All is good.

I made lasagna for supper. Time consuming but worth it. Comfort food for a wet miserable day.

Davit

9 years ago 0 +0 / -0 4027

Davit, Maybe it's the paranoia speaking, but if you harass the cats, they might conspire with the mice:) Luck to have a light winter so far, and my back is fine. I went to a film screening in a religious school, and it was great!

9 years ago 0 +0 / -0 6252

Cold wet miserable day. It is supposed to be winter not raining. Good excuse for comfort food today. I think lasagna will fit the bill. I need to go to town today so I will lose the afternoon. Highway should be better, big trucks have probably pounded the packed snow into slush. Well I want to do this and get it over with. I'm making it worse in my head than it is. I have a swollen ankle this morning to add to my list of complaints. I think I'll just have a grumpy day.

I think I'll harass my cats, they look too content.

Davit

9 years ago 0 +0 / -0 6252

I miss my four wheel drive. It was snowing so hard today I couldn't go to town. Wet heavy snow and the roads are horrible. I cleaned my driveway instead with the tractor and nearly froze my fingers. Now I have to bring in more firewood and think about what to make for supper. Getting by is about being happy and reducing stress. One of those ways for me is seeing to it that I never have to be anywhere. So I keep well stocked up and never let my medication run out. Of course if I wasn't retired I'd still be working and I'd have a four wheel drive but I'd be soaking wet and cold from a day cutting trees down in a snow storm. Hot tea and cookies on my way home with the heater turned all the way up. I actually enjoyed that. Didn't have panic attacks back then either. Some anxiety though, I've had that all my life. Sometimes it worked to my advantage. My anxiety and panic attacks have always been people related. I think I have fixed that.

Davit.

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