Hi guys, been gone for a while. Tried to catch up some. Sorry I only read and answered some. Just so much since I last came on here, I just can<t possibly catch it all up! I did do my best and I figure you will all forgive me :P
At this point I am exhausted and tired and seeing blurry even though hubby fixed my screen issues, so I will try to resume things.
Ok so how are things with me:
I am exhausted and sad and crabby, easily irritated, just plain tired feel like hiding, dropping off the face of the world exhausted! In short I am depressed. I am on medical leave from school... depressed. Bleh! I have more anxiety but I blame it all on the depression lol
I am proud of myself as I find I am dealing really well with the increades anxiety! So points for me there!
That depression has lead me to isolate myself. I kinda stopped posting, talking to people... I am so tired I do not want to have to keep appearances up... I am changing this as you can see. I am working on reconnecting. I spoke to my therapist, am trying to reconnect with friends yet again and I spoke to my mom.
I had to stop school am too exhausted. I sat in clas like a lump tired and sad. I felt dizzy and like crying. Most horribly I felt incredibly dumb as the fatigue made it hard to focus.I had to get a doctors note and have it put off till next year. I feel sad, a bit anxious and ashamed but mostly releived. I need time to put some things in order. This one is hard for me though as my success in school is a big part of my self esteeem. so right now I am feeling pretty lame and scared I will only get lamer...
Also, I am going to have to work though. I need money, lots of money. I am so broke. I have a job and I should be starting next week. So I will be finishing up one contract by the end of October and starting a new one next week. Both are part-time. But I do worry the work will just keep me tired...I sometimes with I could skip the work and rest but at this juncture it is not possible financially. Plus, who says falling off the face of the world would help me anyway right? I was off work without school before and it was, well, depressing lol. So, come to think of it, work is a positive! And hey, I will have NO homeowrk! Woohoo! I do feel like I am not where I want to be at this moment though so this freaks me out. But with no homework I can work on some crucial things and if I do well applications and networking this year I might even be able to skip straight into the doctorate's program next year! I would love that! So I know I can use the work as structure and the extra time off to get myself where I want to be. I just hope I will have enough support to keep me on track. I am dangerously close to falling off the face of the world. Have done it before, it is no good for me.
My hubby and me is still really rocky. Weird thing with us is that when it is good it is SO goood! When we are doing well we are so happy! But when it is bad it is horrible. It takes very little for the s**t to hit the fan with us and when it does, what a mess! We are negotiating a difficult turn in our relationship and a partial seperation may be eminent which scares me sooo much. I am afraid he will live without me and realize he does not want to come back! Well, that is if the seperation thing happens. It wouldn't be a full seperation though. We would see each other and remain faithful to each other. It would be a way for us to have space to deal with our issues. I am not sure if it is a good or bad idea... I am so tired and out of solutions! I just know that neither of us can take this much longer before the D word is brought into it. I love him and he loves me but we need space, is that wrong? does that mean we are over? Anyway, all this to say the marriage front is stil up and down and dizzying!
Oddly enough I feel optimistic. I realize I am in a bad phase atm but I also know that it will pass. That I will get stronger and be happy! I am strong and a survivor. I am the knight in shining armor of my own fairy tale!
I am tired at the moment and having trouble feeling positive cause of hunger and tiredness issues. But I do mean it. I am scred and tired but I do beleive I can do this! One day at a time! This too shall pass!
I will go make supper now! Later!
