It is raining and I am trapped in the house today. I have been going out and walking and taking pictures for the last two days at the zoo and at the lake, really any where that gives me the feeling of being in nature. I am finding that I am much more comfortable and relaxed when out of the house now. I thought I was agoraphobic all this time but now I am starting to think that being in the house and living in a big city is the real problem for me. I have thought about moving out of the city a lot for the last few years. I have traveled into California, Arkansas, New Mexico, Arizona, Oklahoma, and into Texas looking for the perfect place to be. I have yet to find that perfect place and home that I can afford to move to. Anyway I am beginning to think that living in a crowed and congested city is my major trigger. Of course selling a house and moving has its stresses and would cause me a lot of anxiety and panic. I don't know but I wish it would quit raining so that I could get outdoors for a while. I guess I am just rambling on today and should be thankful what I have.
I want to go back and change my previous statement and take out the but which is a negative statement. I have re thought it and yes I have been productive this week. I got my yard all mowed and trimmed, my roses all pruned and fertilized. I challenged my negative and anxious thoughts as they came up. I let myself relax. So all in all I have had a productive week so far. I am feeling better about myself. I am learning to accept my self the way I am and trying not to beat myself up for not getting more done. Their is a exercise we did on the depression center where we made a list of our pleasant and accomplishment activities for the day. I found it very helpful. It enabled me to see that I was being productive and that some activities are both pleasant and give you a sense of accomplishment. I just thought I would pass this idea on. This exercise has helped me a lot. I am going to start doing this exercise again starting now. Maybe Ashley can post it here also.
I am going to hold you to it. I see so many people who can't stop volunteering because as you said, "the same people get asked" and they feel bad if they don't. Remember you come first and even much as I want you here for support I would have to say "drop us if it is affecting your health". I too like busy days for myself.
Ahhh, elusive sleep! yes, have had bad nights lately. feel tired, but have slept fairly well since. Probably not as well as I should. Busy time for me coming up and my mind is whirling with stuff to remember and/or do. Writing myself lists which helps and taking "me" time. I do know not to let myself get overwhelmed. One thing at a time, one day at a time. Breathe! I like busy days for myself, doing my own things, it's the other stuff that can get overwhelming. It seems volunteering for one thing leads to another and the same people are always asked, etc. I've been good at saying no to some and mean it, and not feel badly about it; so happy about that.
Oh! I just saw a pattern here....'mmmm, am I getting tired of volunteer work? I did drop two activities last year and another one will be over end of June and have decided not to continue in September.
For you people in the East I'm pushing it a bit. Here it is still morning and will be for a bit. I was awake at 3:00 this morning and still am. You may have noticed me saying a few times to just do the program and worry about triggers later that they will become obvious on their own when you become more comfortable. Well, they do, do that I guess because I have been looking for a trigger for a while now and it has been elusive till now. Last time I saw my therapist we tried to find it and couldn't. There were a lot of little triggers but none of them explained the way I feel. Well, it showed up last night. ( there is a comment in my blog about the negative words well and but) So if I take all the little triggers and look at what they have in common I come up with the big one. Unfortunately I don't think there is any thing I can do about it except to learn to live with it. But knowing what it is and that I have to live with it may be enough. Time will tell.
In the mean time I am in rather a good mood considering the lack of sleep. I even sat on the porch. Considering there is still snow on the ground and ice on the pond it wasn't ideal.
I have to tell you that by challenging my anxious and negative thoughts my mood is much better. I am not in a constant state of anxiety. I have be able to let myself relax and enjoy my life more. I have not been more productive but I am feeling much better. I think that right now my body and mind are healing and recovering and the rest of it will come later.
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