hi all,
i have not been here in a while. i started the program in august and enjoyed a very good september. i reconnected to my strength. i believed positive things about myself. i felt like a good person for real. but october has been pretty miserable though. i was hit with an emotional tidal wave that started around thanksgiving and hasn't subsided yet. i cannot locate the strength and connection to my inner peace that i had in september and that i know is there (somewhere) because i've had it before throughotu my life at times when i've fought my anxiety.
my anxiety has been much better managed thanks to this program. however, there were things hiding beneath the anxiety that i did not 'see' until recently. namely, lonelyness and sadness. i've been sad and grieving losses of relationships i ended because they were dysfunctional beyond repair. its good for me that i ended them, but still grieving the loss. i'm not depressed, i know the difference from experience and reading about depression. i am sad, and also angry. i'm angry about being left alone at such a young age to fend for myself. i'm angry about the conditions under which i developed anxiety because now that my anxiety around day to day stuff is subsided, i'm able to see it as a condition i've had for most of my life.
does anyone have advice about what sort of counseling to seek out or what a good next step might be for me? i've been told i suffer from emotional intolerance meaning i struggle to feel ok with holding difficult emotions (sadness, anger). i would agree with that assessment. For years, my cycle would be : something would happen, i'd feel bad about it, feeling bad would make me feeling anxious and then i'd focus on the anxiety until it was relieved. once my anxiety was relieved, i didn't want to 'go back in' to explore the original issue - why would i? my anxiety would flare up again as a result. i've been waiting to find someone to go inside with me but i realize now that i can't keep waiting for that from a friend or relative. i have to find counseling help for that. what sort would I ask for? what stage am I at in this process? any thoughts? my core belief is that i cannot do this work alone. and from the last 3 weeks, i can tell you, doing it all alone at home alone has left me miserable. i think i need support so i stop trying to address my anger and wounds all alone.
