Hi - I'm new to the group, but not new to depression.

Suzy - Had a marvellous lunch with my wife yesterday ( we've been ironing out lts of issues over the last week - always in the same restaurant and it's been great) and we, again, love each other to death. I just wanted to ask you a sort-of-non-sequitur about Lithium; what did you think of Richard Gere's "Mr Jones" (1993)? Did you think that was an adequate portrayal of a MDI or II?? I know it scared the bejeez out of me - I get the heebie-jeebies every time I watch it. I've never had a frenzied elation like that but I have experienced a very weird pressure to speak quickly and at length - at the time I think I'm being 'brilliant' ad 'entertaining' but then I lie flat and mumbling inarticulate the next day; and this I'm talking about happens when I've been completely sober. That friend I was talking about who succumbed to the manic elation break years ago kept it up for a week or so before he was hospitalised - he imagined that he was a reincarnation of the Irish patriot Parnell and, apparently, spouted all the man's public speeches correctly, down to the last syllable. For a moment in his life he WAS a surrogate of his hero - what a joy that must have been before the crash came...? I think I understand you about the necessity or the 'will' to keep having the highs of the BiPolar experience to deal with the stunned inertia of the lows. All the more do I admire you for being able to go to work and function at your job... Who wouldn't give an arm and a leg for the clarity and vivacity of the protracted high when one seems so (paradoxically) "in control"!!?? Patrick

Hello Everyone...Very New to This

Brian, Glad you joined the site. Let me ask you something out of the blue: could you not work part-time and maintain your income level? I know that once we hit a certain salary we tend to live right up to it and leave no room. Or that you work flexi hours where you'd have, say, two hours in the morning to be at home with your wife and your daughter to relax and have a family fun/peace and quiet-time while your energy is up and then go to work and come home when the baby has gone to bed and there's just you and your wife and you can sit on the couch and watch the box and hold hands. I'm sorry if this sounds trite and I've no idea what circumstances you live in and whether or not you could even experiment with such arrangements but I'd rather blurt it out in the hope that it'd be helpful anyway. Did you consider that your wife might like to go back to work and be the major earner in the family for a year or two and you, if it's possible, do some computer work at home for a few hours while the baby is napping during the morning and afternoon; you could work on your cooking skills and amaze your wife. I did that for a year after my son was born; it's okay if you can deal with the 'alone' time which is what women have to deal with anyway when they are 'looking after baby' and not working. This type of arrangement might give you the chance to see a psych on a regular basis and time to work on yourself while the house is quiet and there's no pressure to 'perform' either for the Boss or for the family when you come home crushed at night trying to deal with clinical depression. Either way I hope you're trying to find calm and clear ways to explain all this to your wife and get her support and advice. You didn't say whether or not you are sharing your difficulties coping with your illness with your wife? I really understand the being stunned after working all day. I suffer from giving everything I have when I work and leaving nothing for myself or my family in the evenings. I had to learn the hard lessons of "myself time"; I exercised for a half hour when I got home and then flaked out on the bed and slept for exactly an hour every night before showering and studying or reading or just watching the box or going out on a date. Yes, I know that that might sound crazy to your wife and the baby if you said that's what you had to do but, remember, it's more nuts to 'kill' yourself living the way you're living now than being 'selfish' and taking some time for yourself and your sanity now. Make your wife understand. The early years of marriage and having a baby are very difficult and especially so for a depressive. Tell your wife that you want to try it for a week to see if you feel better and can let her rest after you have napped and that you'll put the baby to bed while she does whatever she needs to do to R&R after her long day with the baby. This whole "male/female role in the family" deal has to be breached sometime. Don't tell me that your wife didn't see that you had a crap time during the Mexico vacation? What did she say about that? More importantly, what did you say back to her about being flat during the trip?? Patrick

Aprehensively...

CraZ - you're not crazy at all. And your husband married you because he loves you deeply. Your children love-need-you-ARE-you in essence. How could they be better off without you? When you are frank with your kids and your husband about your illness they will work better with you to ease the pain. One doesn't get bred and irritated and angry with a loved one who is suffering from an illness. Yes, there are moments of grouchiness and fatigue in them with you but that doesn't alter the fact that they need you to get well. You say 'professionally' so I'm assuming that you hold down a job as well as a family? That is both brave and strong; you're not a weakling but you do need support. You have to rely on your family to understand the repetitiveness of MDD and that you'll be saying the same things about how you feel over and over again. The repetition does not lessen the reality of the state, does it? Sorry for the blithering here but I want you to know that, in my opinion, love is as much responsibility as it is romance and constant giving. So what if you need more given to you than you are capable of giving right now?? As depressives we try to live by the same behaviour rules as non-depressives and we educate ourselves about our mindsets in the expectation that we can improve our skills at 'fitting in' - what's wrong with educating our loved ones in the realities of the difficulties of that task. We can't live without their understanding and patience.

introducing myself

Just a word about a success.... I've spent the last week talking out the marriage and personal issues with my wife and we've opened up clear avenues for hope and trust in each other again. Practically, we've decided to move back to Canada from South Africa and this solves a lot of $ issues and 'danger' issues and issues about futures for our two boys. I feel much better after these deep discussions - I feel less alone and embattled; I've found my love for my wife again and it feels good.

I always feel as though telling about anything good will jinx it, but...

Hello everybody, I want to say that I've been moaning about my family on previous postings last week and NOW I want to say that I'v had several talking sessions with my wife away from the house and that we've reconnected deeply. I got to say what was on my mind and get over the 'shame' and despair of my depressive mindset of the last month or so. All this was mystifying my wife and she couldn't understand why I 'looked' normal but was so cold and withdrawn all that time. Why does depression remove us from the very help that we need? Anyway, rhetorical question there. I'm just glad for my wife's understanding and my ability to transcend my own black abyss-staring long enough for us both to reaffirm our love for each other. Patrick

I'm tinking about going into inpatient treatment

Laura, My last bout of deep depression, Laura, was about 12 years ago and I complicated it by abusing the medication I was having prescribed for me to control chronic pain (arthritis.) I was lucky enough to turn myself in to a very fine programme in Canada for drug rehabilitation (CBT on a grand scale). I was an inpatient for 60 days (the programme has since been reduced to 30 days because of Government cutbacks in the Health Sector) and it was the greatest gift I've ever had. It saved my life. I wrestled with the toxic effects of the morphine I was using and, at the same time, I was getting brief but concentrated counselling sessions everyday for the 60 days to deal with my MDD. I followed the programme rigourously because I wanted to live and alter the way I dealt with the world (friends and loved ones and strangers). So, yes, I can say that being an inpatient was the best thing for ME at that time in my life. Maybe it's not the best thing for you and Danielle is right to caution you to let your doctor give you the best advice. All I wanted to say to you here is that I was so relieved to get away from all the business of living which I had been failing at so grossly and find myself in the hands of caring counsellors and psychologists who, literally, let me erase all my history-book of bad experiences and who gave me a clean book (a journal) to begin a new chapter in my life without drugs, dealing with my physical pain, and learning how to communicate in a better way by being aware of the triggers which prompted me to act like a fool before all this - and that meant going back to being at the emotional age of 'teenager' and learning how to be a real adult as best as I could. I'm still working on it and I'm still using the skills I learned in the rehab center (and later on in a Pain programme)almost every day to try to mitigate my once raucous responses to the world. If it's the stigma thing that's bothering you all I can say to that is you have only one life and you have to take care of it yourself - who cares what your Aunt Alice thinks about her niece going into a psychiatric hospital?? She can't live your live anyway, can she? Nobody taught me how to live when I was a teenager, I didn't get a manual on how to beware of the pitfalls of life, my parents were too busy being depressed themselves to be good teachers. I needed to go to remedial school (The University of CBT) at age 55 to learn the things I should have learnt when I was 18... Hang in and do what you think is best for you - nomatter what you decide keep logging in here and listening and talking to people like yourself who are dealing with all the crap you are dealing with. Patrick

Hi - I'm new to the group, but not new to depression.

Suzy, Sorry that this last week has been a bummer for you. Please don't think that what you write here is 'whining' - I find all that you say useful and true. This is how depression works, eh? We always feel that we have to apologise for saying how we feel because we've said it before time and time again and we've seen how the world reacts to that. I remember the first time I was hurt and insulted about my depression. I don't think I was aware that I was MDD at the time - I was in my twenties - I was talking to a 'best friend' and relating a series of missteps, misnomers, misunderstandings and lost love and the whole damn thing and I went on at great length as I thought was okay to do with a 'best friend'. Well, after a long while as I was trying to verbally unscramble my messed up mindset the friend finally throws his arms up and tells me that "I've no right to "dump" my garbage on him like that!" The message was clear. My problems were just 'garbage' to him - I was supposed to keep all that 'crap' to myself and not air it like I was doing. It took me years to pick the right venues to speak about my anxieties and fears. It took me years to sort out what kind of people could listen to a friend's woes without becoming irritated and bored and impatient. This website is for depressives and there are no holds barred in what I can say and you have my guarantee that I don't read what you write (or the other members) with even an iota of jaundice. It's great to read your responses to the members here. Patrick

Aprehensively...

craZ, Listen, I'm going to do something that I have been avoiding doing for months. I KNOW that I should be in aquafitness classes for my arthritis but I haven't done it because I'm dependent on my wife to drive me around. So, I don't go anywhere except shopping with her on saturdays or out for a meal with her. But, now, having read your lastest posting I am determined to ask her the dreaded question: will she drive me once or twice a week to the aquafitness classes and wait for me or come back to pick me up in an hour? I have hated to do that because it will be in the evening after she's put in a hard day's work and is tired. But I have to survive and I NEED to exercise, right? So, thanks for reminding me that I too should practice what I preach. I will ask for the support I need. Patrick

me...

Mona, I just wanted to thank you again for greeting me when I first came on to the website. It is only today that I thought that I haven't seen any of your postings but that you must be around because you were there for me on the day after I joined. I just now read your opening note about yourself. I really want to ask you if you went ahead and registered as a student already and to congratulate you on that decision. And with a young child! That takes determination and moxie and I admire you for that. regards Patrick

new, with no clue

Twister, Thanks again for welcoming me when I first joined up here. Did this doctor prescribe medications for you? SSRI's? Are they not helping? I know from long experience how difficult it is to find a good talk-therapist and how necessary it is to depend on self-help CBT books and meds. Anyway, you're not alone on your journey. There are scads of people with depression right here and they want to talk and listen to you. Talk more or tell me where you've been talking on this site so i can join your discussions. I'd like to. Patrick