It's More than Okay to be Selfish

Hi Poster-ladies, What's the issue here? Is it not being able to face the possibility of Big Row with the spouse when we ask to do something without him/her? Is it that fear of his/her fear that stops us from being 'free'? What was it that Khalil Gibran said? " Spouses are like roots of two trees entwined together, but who rise up in their marriage and stand alone, strong and independent into the sky..." or something like that. As spouses we are supposed to help each other grow as human beings, help us mature, to learn from our mistakes, to, in effect, set us free. If you truly want to know if someone loves you then, like a captured bird in your hands, you must set her/him free. If it loves you it'll come back, if not then you weren't meant to be a true companion to that bird. To tame a wild kitchen hawk you have to stay awake all day and all night sitting near the bird who is tethered to a stand. When the bird trusts you not to kill it, it will allow itself to fall asleep with you sitting there. It has learned trust. I remember once (before I was diagnosed with MDD)I was falling in love with a woman who had serious issues ( bad father, political persecution, witness to mass murder in North Africa and more) and after we'd been together for a couple of months and we were getting ver serious about each other I knew that I couldn't handle all the internal problems she was suffering so I said " I want you and I to go to a counsellor so we can talk about our issues with a professional and so get matters clear for ourselves so we can journey -on into a deeper relationship?" She laughed and ridiculed such a notion. Looking back on it now I can laugh and see how extraordinary such a suggestion was. She must have thought I was nuts - asking a lover, not a spouse, to go into therapy when we'd hardly said "I love you" to each other. What I'm saying here is that I could see that we wouldn't grow together without a 'referee' to sort out and indicate all the negative feelings and thinking between us. Whereas she was quite 'happy' to gather lovers around her and stay hidden in her mind. She was too scared to face her tortured mind and I understand that well. Of course I heard years later that she did go to a talk therapist and started work on herself.

It's More than Okay to be Selfish

(Continued) When you put it up on a sheet of paper in writing, "My husband won't let me have a night out with the girls", it looks shocking, doesn't it? It's almost like a scene from a made-for-tv-movie. In effect we are left to deal with childish emotions from our spouses - jealousy, dependency, controlling, petty anger, mean-spiritedness, even threats of abandonment and all the rest. Like a mid-teen screaming for more attention right when the house is burning down. It's unbelievable except that we've seen it happen over and over and we let it slide for the sake of "peace" in the house. Let the kiddy-spouse have what s/he wants just so I can get some sleep! And we roll off into pained aloneness, 'despairing' of an adult relationship with our spouses. How many marriages are about a wife/husband looking after two or three kids and then discovering that there's a big cranky adolescent right there in the marital bed with us? What's that all about? How did we get there? Did we miss something during the courtship? Or were we compromising, compromising, compromising - getting that Rolls Royce and nevermind that it is painted in Day-Glo rainbow colours? "How did I know that s/he was passive-aggressive and controlling when I was in love before we married? I only saw the fun-loving, easy-going lover. I assumed it was going to great when we got married!" So, we get depressed. We are changing. We have to work very hard to change ourselves. It's a struggle and it is frightening all day and worse at night. But we are learning. We are 'breaking' the shell in which we were cocooned and learning to live another, more engaging life. No, I know that nobody is perfect and that we'll never meet Mr or Mrs Perfect - but we'll be stronger when we do meet an educated, emotionally mature partner and we'll know at exactly which point in a relationship it is time to put down the foot and say "Okay, I cannot and will not buy what you're trying to lay down here, Omi Spouse!!" Again, I say listen to your trusted friends and family and, if you have one, a trusted psych. Get tough and selfish about your life. You've only got the one. Don't waste any more of it than you have to... oxo

whats the point

Gabs, I see that you're offline in the IM thing and I sent you a little message. Can you even read the message? I hope you get it sorted out soon...

Go ahead and say something

Itsjustme, I'd say that it's more than 'good' to go out to the weddings and the showers and all the rest even when you feel like death warmed over. You don't have to smile all the time either. Keep a neutral face. The more sensitive of your friends will see that you're in need of help and, who knows, the stronger among them will want to know if they can help you in some way. But if you really do NOT want to go to a function, then don't. Do what is best for you. Call and say you are having a 'headache' (white lie is okay,no?) and then lie on the couch with a good book or watch the telly. What I'm saying is be good to yourself during the hard times. Be 'selfish' and stay home or spend the $30 on an hour at the local Spa and get a massage. Or save the $30 and get a bubble bath liquid that you like and steep your bones in the tub for an hour. When I was a denizen of the corporate world I used to rise from my desk promptly at 12:30 pm, lunch time, and walk into the boardroom, right to the back and lie down on the plush carpet with a few files under my head and sleep for exactly an hour,. Then I'd return to my desk after the refreshing nap and calmly eat the sandwich filled with my favourite stuff and continue working. Yes, I had people tell me I was an "old fart" (at 35yrs old) because I slept during the lunch hour while they had 'fun' at a liquid lunch, but they didn't have to live in my skull, did they? Yes, I'd smile and say "Yup!". Big drinking, depressive nit that I was at the time I still knew what my mind needed. What I didn't understand until 10 years on was that nightly boozing was doing the most damage to what was already a depressed mental system.

Big mistake

Gabs! What did I miss? I've no idea what is going on in this particular discussion. If Gabs can't get on IM then maybe Dumpling will chat with me and fill me in?? Glad to hear that you back on the meds, Gabs, and are you taking care of the spinal pain also?? oxo

Go ahead and say something

Hi, I'm getting really depressed because I'm connecting to the internet by wireless and it keeps crapping out on me - especially when I'm trying to stay online in the DC IM!!

some times it is hard

Wildcat, Thanks for the succinct breakdown of the dopamine factor and exercise. You've made it much clearer in my mind now.

fear

Rosie, I can only reiterate what Wildcat is telling you. Do lots of slow,deep breathing exercises. Go and sleep with your baby girl or bring her into your bed to sleep with you. Could you try to talk to her about baby-stuff?? Tell her a story. I used to tell my son a kind of rock&roll version of Hansel and Gretel which broke him up (the laughing sent him to sleep exhausted.) Remember that we're here for you. We know what you're going through because we've been there and will most likely be there again some time in the future. I just feel lucky that the 40 mg of Prozac I take at night lasts me well throughout the next 24 hours. There are still triggers that make me miserable but I have learned to shut them down with the help of the learned CBT actions and the help of the edge-cutting SSRI. Keep talking if you can. Talk some more to us

New Members! Sign in to IM

Hello Tipper, I see you are a new member and I would like to welcome you and others who have joined us on this site. Please will you sign into to the IM as it's a great way for us all to get over the heebie-jeebies by just having a chat with another somebody who understands the pain we can go through. Thanks --- Click on LAUNCH on the Home page and add names of Buddies you've been reading in the Discussions.

Epival

Hi Alikat, I looked up Epival on the internet and it is an anti-convulsant sometimes prescribed to rapid-cycle depressives like ourselves; it seems to have anti-manic properties. I was prescribed Tegretol which is similar(?) long ago for a combination complaint about chronic pain and depression. It served me well for about a year when I was working gung-ho at a sales job... should be good for the manic highs in BPII Good luck with it. And best of luck with the programme at the local mental health clinic. We'd love to hear how you progress with the group therapy and the meds. Later