I sometimes look out the window and see people fastening their belts, put their sunglasses on and stroll away, looking in control of taking care of themselves and feel envious.
But other times, I see my family come home from work exhausted telling me their stories about bad situations at work and how they just go straight to bed really miserable... makes me think, they may have somethings I don't but I may have somethings they don't and can appreciate the time that I have.
I used to have a hard time believing that I had a 'disorder'. I would remember how easy I would get things done in the past that I was doubting myself that I had a problem. So I'd pushed myself and I would feel sick and then I kept scolding myself "Why can't you do it?" And now I try to accept that I am different from my past and that is a given fact that I have to face because things change.
I don't have confidence in myself either. I think I was always a shy person ever since I was little but when I was 'normal' I knew well to cover that insecurity up. I feel like anxiety happened to me because I was lying to myself all this time that I knew what was 'right'. But now I don't know... and I don't know if I ever will, but I'm starting to realize that 100% confidence is not so great either... in the sense that we can be too confident to forget to leave some space for us to grow. But of course, everyday, I wish to get a little more of it so that I can do the things I'd like to do.
I was listening to Lauryn Hill's CD the other day and how she kept talking about reality and you just really showed me yours. I tend to confuse myself that people have it 'better' then me or that things should be 'prettier' and 'easier' but in reality it's not... and that does make it more beautiful in a sense when you can say that you were fine after all that. I guess, investment of hard work equals the accomplishment.. not abracadabra. Thanks for inspiring.
I'm not a great student here since I'm very much a procrastinator for the tools and info section of this program, but I am saved a lot by the many souls on this discussion site. Glad for you to join.
I haven't been in crowds for a long time... I've been avoiding them.
But from what I can remember, I guess, it's not so much of a problem for me as long as I'm not the focus of their attention. As long as I can blend in the crowd then, it usually didn't cause any anxiety for me but if I had an attack and then realised I was in a crowd, I found it overwhelming to escape.
I think the lack of routine in my life caused my anxiety too.
The routine I've started lately is yoga. I try to do this everyday. This is the only thing I expect out of myself(starting very small) for now. I have a planner and I write Y for yoga at the start of the week for everyday and every night, if I accomplished this, I get to cross out the Y. I've also added W for walking but I've been lagging for that. My cat wakes me up every morning to feed him, so he helps me keep my routine too. And I also have chores spread out during the week that I'd accomplish everyday (and I get to cross this out on my planner too) and I let myself get on the computer after I finish these. I used to be very addicted to the computre, but lately it gives me a headache and maybe my routine is helping me but I have days that I don't even go on. I also like to garden too, but I am very very afraid of bugs, especially spiders... that reminds me I better get at it! Spring is in the air (almost!).
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