Disputes are often caused and maintained by problems with communication styles and communications skills.

Previously you learned about some of the most common types of communication stlye (passive, aggressive, passive-aggressive), problems with communication (anger, blaming, self-blame, denying your needs, yes-butting, timing, kitchen sinking, counterpunching, mind reading, digging-in) and some ways to improve your communication (experimenting with being assertive, perspective taking, taking a time-out, timing, asking questions, listening, starting to experiment in relationships in which you feel relatively safe).

Communication Analysis is a technique that helps you to take a close look at a specific situation, argument, or discussion and better understand how problems with communication style or communication skills may have gotten you into trouble. It allows you to take a careful look at exactly what was going on in a specific situation so you can figure out what went wrong and how you might try to do it a bit differently the next time.

One of the important reasons that Communication Analysis works is because when people are having problems in a relationship they tend to have the same argument over and over again. The content of the dispute like finances, parenting, intimacy, etc. may change but the pattern of the argument such as how people react to each other and how things go wrong when people disagree generally tends to stay the same. So, if you can figure out what the pattern of your arguments is you can then work on changing it. You may never have the exact same argument again, but you’ll likely have a very similar one. If you can figure out where things went wrong last time, you can try something different next time.

There are some similarities between doing Thought Records and doing a Communication Analysis. For both exercises you want to describe a very specific situation or slice of time.

In a Thought Record you write down exactly what the situation was and what you were thinking, feeling and doing. A Communication Analysis is a bit different. In a Communication Analysis you write a detailed description of what happened during a specific interaction with another person. You start describing the interaction from the beginning, and keep describing the interaction until it ended. You try to remember exactly what each person did and said, and exactly how you were feeling. You then take a look at the entire interaction to see how you could have improved, or changed, the outcome.

Start by identifying the other person and the dispute and then write a detailed description of the interaction including what each person said and did, and what you were thinking. If possible, try to understand what the other person could have been thinking at each step.

Using Communication Analysis is a powerful technique to help you understand and change the patterns in your disputes and arguments. Remember, no matter who you are or what you do for a living, everyone can improve their communication skills and the even the best communicators never stop working on them. Maybe that’s what makes them the best!

Stay tuned for Sunday when we will be exploring how to put your needs in perspective.