Welcome to Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Day (CBT) on the forums!

This week we will be discussing communication skills…

Some individuals tend to have extreme communication styles (passive, aggressive, passive-aggressive) because they feel that their needs and expectations aren’t being met in important relationships.

When people don’t believe that their needs are being met they can either give up (passive) or try to get what they want in a different way (aggressive, passive-aggressive). As we’ve seen, these extreme styles tend to lead to relationship problems, such as:

•    Passive people make other people make all the decisions and keep others guessing about what they really want.
•    Aggressive people make other people angry because they feel like they’re being bullied.
•    Passive-aggressive people make others frustrated because they won’t come out and say what they want. Instead, they try to make other people do what they want by indirect means.

Extreme communication styles usually result in people communicating in a number of unhelpful ways.

Passive Communication Style

When people communicate in a passive way, they tend to communicate their belief that other peoples’ rights and needs are more important than their own. People who communicate in a passive way often let other people make all of the decisions and generally agree with those decisions in order to avoid conflict or rejection. In other words, people who communicate in a passive way may know what they need and want, but they’d rather avoid expressing their needs so they can avoid conflict or rejection.

People who have a very passive communication style can convince themselves that they’re nice and easy going, and make good friends and romantic partners. At first glance, such a person may sound like a good friend or romantic partner. However, people who are extremely passive are actually kind of difficult to get along with because they have a hard time telling you what they really want and they rarely make solid decisions. So, if you’re in a relationship with a person who has a very passive communication style you spend a lot of time trying to decide what to do and usually have to guess what the other person really wants. This can get really irritating. People want others to express what they really want, at least sometimes.

It’s also easy for passive communicators to get aggressive. This happens when people who usually communicate passively get tired of not expressing what they really need and want. Because they rarely articulate their needs, they almost never get what they want. As a result they can get frustrated and angry with other people for not knowing (guessing) what they need - and as a result of this they express their needs aggressively.

Aggressive Communication Style

When people communicate in an aggressive way they tend to communicate their belief that their rights and needs are more important than the rights and needs of others. People who communicate aggressively often bully people to make sure that they get what they want. Sometimes people who communicate in an aggressive way are just jerks. However, sometimes people communicate their needs aggressively because they fear that if they don’t force people to respond to their needs and wants, they won’t get anything in return.

Passive-Aggressive Communication Style

When people communicate in a passive-aggressive way, they say things and do things that give the appearance that they believe that other peoples’ needs are more important than their own. But this is deceptive because they are actually putting their own needs first. People who communicate in a passive-aggressive way try to get their needs met by preventing other people from getting their needs met. They act like they’re easy to get along with but they’re often communicating that they’re unhappy with how things are. They can do this by pouting, sulking and withdrawing. Sometimes they’ll express themselves by making a scene (slamming doors, throwing things, making faces, etc.). They often say things through their actions, but not through direct words.

The problem with passive-aggressive communication is that the people they communicate with only receive negative feedback about their needs and wants. Instead of directly expressing what they want, passive-aggressive people indirectly express what they don’t want. As a result, the other person in the relationship feels criticized, helpless and like they can’t do anything right. It is difficult to guess what somebody really needs and it is painful to only get negative feedback about what somebody doesn’t want.

How often do you communicate in this manner? Today we challenge you to keep count with a pen and paper. As you track, don’t forget to note the 5 W’s of your communication: Who was there? What happened? Where did it happen? And why did it happen?