I'm sitting here with a feeling that I haven't had in a while. It was pretty common when I first quit smoking, though. It's kind of a sad, melancholy feeling with a sense of emptiness-just an empty hole--in my chest.
Today, the feeling came from seeing a friend I haven't seen in a while, and then watching him go, wishing that we could hang out and talk longer. Seeing him (and a few other people in my life) makes me feel lighthearted and happy like I'm a kid again. So when a person that I really enjoy goes away, it's like I'm left with this hole that wasn't there before. Like, if I hadn't have seen them, I never would have known what I was missing. But now I do.
And then there is the desire to fill that hole back up. It's kind of uncomfortable to feel so empty, lonely, sad. Sometimes, it causes me to review my life choices and wonder about all the shoulds:
Should I have settled down, gotten married, and had kids so I wouldn't ever be lonely? Should I do so now?
Should I have tried harder to get along with my family of origin, so I'd have more people to reach out to? Should I do so now?
Should I have made more and better friends? Should I do so now?
Should I eat/ drink/ smoke/ do something to make this feeling go away right now?
I also frequently had this feeling and the questions in the early stages of quitting. I guess that smoking 20 times a day for all those years was one of my ways of temporarily filling the hole, so that I wouldn't have to face it. I could rely on the rapid hit of nicotine to my brain to give me a "lift" when I started to feel down. And I could put my focus on the addictive behaviors and rituals instead of on the uncomfortable feelings that often triggered those behaviors and rituals.
When I quit, I had to start listening to my heart more, and addressing those questions in my head.
In asking all those should questions, I'd ultimately answer each of them with a "no." There are reasons for the choices I've made. And I have, especially in recent years, made a very deliberate effort to seek out and spend time with people that I truly enjoy, as opposed to letting chance or circumstance dictate my interactions. (I think those efforts are related to my decision to quit, as they are part of my overall decision to embrace life in ways I haven't before.) Even with loved ones, there really is no permanent cure or protection from sadness, loneliness, emptiness. I have experienced those same feelings when in a room full of people, and I felt anxious and crowded, to boot. I also experience it when it is time to say good-bye, and we all have to say good-bye at some point. Sometimes, I'm just going to have to experience the hole. It is a part of life. It is what it is.
So that is where I am this evening. Just feeling kind of sad and lonely, and reminding myself that it really is OK to just feel sad and lonely sometimes. I don't need to eat, drink, smoke, or do anything to make it go away. (And even if I did, the hole would still be there.) I can simply acknowledge it, feel it, and accept it while it is here.
How will my fellow addicts out there deal with their holes?
