hello all,
I have been trying to collect my thoughts on this one for at least a week now.
I still live with a roommate who smokes and has no apparent desire to quit. I am OK with this. Aside from thinking he's a bit stinky when he comes back into the house, I am detached from his nicotine situation. That is for him to work out for himself... or not. Either way, it's got nothing to do with my quit.
For some reason, the relapse issue is harder for me to come to terms with. Just like my overall quit, this one is about me and no one else. Yet, for some reason, it's hitting me differently. So I've been asking myself why it bugs me so much when another person relapses. What does that have to do with me? I think it ultimately has to do with my own fears about my quit. So, utilizing one of the worry exercises I've read here, I'll go through the mental story I'm telling myself:
"If I show compassion for a fellow quitter who has slipped up, this will lead me to be more compassionate with the side of me that would like to have one more puff. If I give that part of me any slack, then I will be puffing one more and then another and then another. I need to maintain a zero tolerance mindset in order to stay on my path. On the other hand, as a decent human being who has experienced multiple attempts at some other goals, I can empathize with and hope for people who are ready to take another run at this goal. In fact, I should respect their courage in getting themselves back up, dusting off the ashes, and trying again. And I know that each successive attempt is more likely to be the final one. I know that those who have relapsed and come back are ultimately working towards successful outcomes. But then, it doesn't seem fair that they get to go back for a few more puffs and still get support. Why can't I go back for a few more puffs? And I know that the answer is that I can't handle a few more puffs. None of us can. That's why we are here on this board. We're the last of the incorrigibles, since other folks have managed to quit once and for all without all the drama. And the behaviorist in me wants to turn my back on the person who has relapsed, since it seems too reinforcing to welcome them back, and I want the threat of not being welcomed back if I relapse. But on the other hand, I would hope that some kind soul would acknowledge, encourage, and respect me and my struggle if I were to come back. But I don't want to relapse in the first place. ...And those who have are embodiments of my own fear. And I don't know quite how to resolve it within myself."
By the way, I suspect that brent the mad Englishman will read this at some point. I do want to say thank you, brent for coming back and articulating so clearly how much of a struggle this has been for you. I can tell from your writing that you most likely have denied yourself pleasure and even punished yourself over relapsing. And from the outside, I can see how it's not necessary for me or anyone else to ignore, punish, lecture, etc. In fact, the most productive thing would be to hope for and support you just like any other quitter here. And that doesn't mean that I need to relapse. Your descriptions help me to realize how crappy I would feel if I did...and how much support I would need if that happened. It would probably be a whole bunch more than the first time around. ...So, hat's off to you and anyone else who is strong enough to come back and do this thing more than once for it to "take".
There may be more rumination on this issue later. In the meantime, if anyone has any words of wisdom on how to detach from another's struggle while also remaining supportive, feel free to tell your tales. (And yes, y'all, I already know that I have some codependent tendencies. I'm trying to work some of that out here.)
) 
. dori , I've been addicted to every addiction known to man ( and some they haven't thought of yet ) and can say with a certainty that all addiction is intertwined , woven from the same fabric of self- gratification. By giving away what we have we get to keep what we have. Looks to me like you're all doing great. Excellent for you. breather. That's breather with a small b because the Addict is bigger than I am.
