For those that don't know me I've been a member here since September 2013. I can't believe it'll be a year very soon. I find myself coming back on here again and again because it's been the safest place for me to express what's going on in my mind. I am proud to say I have not faced long periods of Depressive symptoms since I last posted on here. While there is no guarantee my Depression has completely gone away, I've been able to manage my mental health much better than before.
Back in March I posted about having anxiety in my life, something that doesn't usually occur with me but it's been 5 months and it still hasn't gone away. I thought ending school & graduation were the main causes because I didn't want my time in college to end. I was so terrified of being done school that I had many breakdowns during March, April & June. I remember spending all of April to mid June applying for work on a daily basis to occupy my mind and to get away from my mom. (I have 2 jobs now, one ending at the end of August) I remember breaking down crying on my graduation day in June because of everything I went through in the last 6 years of my life. My counsellor has helped me get through a lot in my life and losing her after I finished school has been difficult. Seeing her at my graduation started my crying as I got my Social Service Worker diploma. I've been too afraid to seek out someone to speak to in my own community. Unless it's free, I also won't be able to afford $50-$100+ sessions per hour.
This anxiety I've been having has made it hard for me to show confidence. I used to be an incredible public speaker, presenter, loved making plans and going out. But now...I find it very hard to do so without getting nervous or shaky and I'm not able to be as loud and confident as I used to be. I also find myself making plans or saying I'll come to an event/social gathering and then cancelling because I start getting really nervous, feel that others will become very judgmental and I start to cry and worry about the plans/events nonstop. I know this isn't depression because I'm not thinking about whether or not I deserve to go but more about fear, nervousness and panic when I think about going. I find that I'm able to stay comfortable if I'm doing something with my family and/or partner but with friends is when I especially feel anxious. I facilitated a few workshops at a youth centre I've been working at this summer and thankfully, as long as I went at a pace I was comfortable with, I was able to get through it without any panic even though I was very nervous and shaky for an entire week and right before starting it. I'm also going to university this fall after much consideration. I'll be doing some general courses to get into the Bachelors of Social Work program part-time next year. I'm very nervous about it but also know that taking school part-time will not be as stressful as the 2 years of college I just did full-time.
Well this was the update for those interested. I want to be able to see a counsellor once more to talk to someone about what's going on and want to find out if I have an anxiety disorder. Can anyone offer me any advice? Would love to hear from you.
- See more at: http://www.depressioncenter.net/Program/Blog.aspx#sthash.greMBwtE.dpuf
