Ashley,
Thanks for your patient answer.
I shall try to take your advice and not look at the totality of the program, but just the bit in front of me. I'll see if that works at all. I have tried starting the program a couple of times before but have foundered. No harm to try again, and the unhappiness I feel isn't just going to evaporate of its own accord.
I said that my addictive behaviour would destroy my family life, which sounds like an exaggeration and an over-dramatic statement, but I think it's true. I don't want to go into details, but it involves other women apart from my partner. I have always had an obsessive side to my nature, but never before has an obsession of mine involved something so potentially dangerous and destructive. She would not be able to forgive me, I am sure of that. I know I should care about the consequences, should feel guilt or remorse, but I just can't feel that. Along with everything else at the moment, my emotions are flat and inaccessible. All I seem to be concerned about is the expense and inconvenience should I be discovered and have to leave our home.
As for what I would wish to have learnt in five years' time .... that's a hard one, Ashley, for sure. I really do not know. I do hope that in five years I feel happier than I do now, more connected to life, more at home in myself, whether I be on my own or still with my partner.But it is difficult to visualise that, when life is so ... well, as I described it below.
furgittit,
Nice of you to post, thank you. It's good to feel that somebody has read my thoughts and understands. And you tickled my wannabe-writer's ego too :) God only knows, my ego needs some tickling right now, so I thank you. Sounds like you are feeling much the same as me, so I truly appreciate the effort you made to post.
