Hi there,
I've always been a very outgoing and independent person. Its a quality about myself that I've always loved and loathed. I pride myself in being self reliant and being able to come up with solutions to problems on my own. But I've learned to be this way because I had learned early on that I cannot rely on anyone else to be there for me when I need help. I grew up in a very disconnected family, and it has only been in the last 3 or 4 years that I have realized just how damaging it has been to my ability to connect with others. I feel as though I don't know how to communicate my feelings. In text, or when I have the time to sit, think, and articulate my thoughts, I feel quite confident communicating myself. But verbally and in person, I either have an impenetrable wall up, or the flood gates are wide open and everything comes rushing out.
I care very quickly about others because I enjoy helping others feel better about themselves. I've always been the person thats there for you. Anytime. No matter what. Because I know first hand how much it sucks needing someone you thought you could trust and rely on, but they're nowhere to be found (or they were there, until they realized you were 'going through some ****' again and suddenly stopped answering you).
I'm overly cautious about trusting that other people truly care about me. I've learned to open up and connect a little closer with some friends, though even in these relationships I feel that I can be very testing at times. And so I never feel totally comfortable asking for help when I need it. I think the last time I had anything even remotely close to a best friend was in grade school.
I have difficulty realizing that I can have a disagreement with someone and that they may just need space before talking to me again. I panic and default to "I've ruined this, I've gone too far and now they never want to talk to me again" This has made dating particularly difficult. I just really, really want to be able to begin to open up to even try to trust someone without having my entire life shatter and fall apart at the first uncertainty. The first part of the readings in Section 1 really spoke to me...about the involuntary defence response (I think thats what its called). That at the first sign that I might be losing, everything spirals out of my logical control. I'm fully aware that I'm being illogical and I need to relax and let things pass. But that doesn't stop the spiral from happening...sometimes for days.
This is the biggest change I'm hoping to make progress towards in testing out this program. I'm tired of being and feeling completely alone.
