Hi Ashley,
I think it is all about perception. And when I am stressed and low. I look at the world from the bottom of a pit with high dark sides. I feel alone. I feel isolated. When I think then I know I am not in these situations. I can talk to people. I can ask for help. I can have interactions and discussions.
Somehow, When I are fine I am not stuck in a pattern. Thoughts flow and everything is easy. I am not worried. I can do this and living is not a chore. I can focus. But when I am low. O bother. I know it is my illness that has but my cart of thoughts into a mud road. It is slow and stuck and dirty. I wish I had a hose!
Of course then there are the times when I am on a sheet of ice when the cart slides around and all I want to do is run. Run to the goal. Run to the mountain while pushing my cart and my husband's. Run faster. Run away.
So how do I find the water to wash it all away? How do I find the straight road again? How do I force these feeling back to the straight and narrow? Where is the reset?
I would love to learn more about what makes me tick. WHat makes so volitile and sensitive sometimes. If I could live with less feelings I would have a chance to get to know them better. Right now, I am overwhelmed by them so often and cannot make out what they are. (I never learned to feel as a kid so I have to so now as a 30-something...) But right now they are complex and muddled and often intense.
I have a great therapist and we are working on all this in my second language - French. What I need is to organise and look at what I am feeling - I guess. I am in this learning phase and have precious little vocabulary for the lump in my throat. It comes at all occations (good and bad) and I cry to release it. But that lump must have some other release ! I see others laugh and yell and giggle and and well there must be something more. I do not want to be stuck in the same patterns forever.
