Pete, I admire your courageous honesty. If your situation is anything like mine once was, it's cold comfort for someone else to say, "I can relate," but I hope that it doesn't hurt if I say that I think I can. My depression became so excruciatingly painful that in early 2009, I attempted suicide.
With the benefit of hindsight, I know I'd have been better off if I'd radically changed my life without trying to end it, which only worsened my situation. I hated having my freedom deprived, even (and at that time especially) to save my life. But I needed far more expert, compassionate, understanding, and intensive treatment than I'd been getting up until then. Frankly, in my view, for people in financial hardship, the best mental health care, of the kind it sounds to me like you'd benefit from, is very difficult to get--but my experience proves it's not impossible.
Having read your blog and your posts over the months, I've been simultaneously moved by your eloquence and concerned by your hints at suicidal feelings. Pete, the world would be lesser without you. Few people suffering with depression can describe the experience as well as you can. It sounds like although your financial situation is better than mine, you might not have connected with medical care that you truly need. At the risk of sounding presumptuous, may I say I'm concerned? Could I ask whether you've reached out to universities, wherever you are, to see if they have a space for you in some of their research for severely depressed persons? That's how I finally found top-notch care in my part of the world, and it made my life much better.
Is there a close friend or family member who might help you find top-quality care that could alleviate your suffering? If your current situation resembles what mine was three years ago, the answer might be "No." If not, could you email me on this system? I'm not clear whether that's possible. I'd just like to try to help you find the help it sounds like you need. I emphasize, I'm not a mental health professional. I'm just someone who's been in a place that I think isn't so different from yours. For me, it was unbearable. I don't know if I can help, but if I could, it would bring fulfillment to my life.
Sincerely yours,
Purple Blues (Adam)
I could not have come this far without all the help I've found here on the Evolution Health sites! 
