Thank you Ashley.
Yes ,I had done a few meditations now and every time I just end up with tears rolling down my face. I don't try to stop them like in the past. I just go with it as I know it needs to be released. Aside from being on here I have opened up to 2 friends about what is going on. It was hard to let them in but I'm glad I did. I think the more people I talk to, the better I'll feel getting things off my chest. It will be baby steps since I am a private person with emotional walls built so high and thick it will take a while to break them down..but i'm up to working on it.
As I am trying to work through my issues I still have a person reaching out to me for support and I don't have it in me to tell them no. She is my cousin. Her mom was my aunt that passed away. I talked with her the other day and after we were done I had a panic attack. That's when I did a meditation and basically wept like a baby. This is going to be a long process for me I feel because I never had time to deal with one thing before the next hit and so on. The good thing is I am reading a book about grief and usually crying when I do, but my grief is directed in the right direction instead of all over the place like before. I literally went to the fridge to get an apple two weeks ago, didn't have any, and stood with the door open having a melt down. I don't feel I'm in that place anymore but I know I am far from being where my 'normal' is.
Aside from just grief I have also found out 'family secrets' that have been playing on my mind. My doctor is shocked with the amount of stuff I have told him about what has been going on. I seen him at the beginning of Feb and again 3 weeks later and he said he is impressed with the approach I am taking and acknowledging the need help. I told him about starting the CBT on here and he said it sounds like a great tool. He has also prescribed me medication to 'take the edge off'. I plan on working through and doing the homework, talking and reading as much as possible. I am still on the fence as to sitting down and talking face to face with someone. I want to try doing the above things first and if I find I get to a point where I don't feel a difference or I hit a stale point then I will absolutely consider it but just not yet.
I have found out that someone is going to join just so that they can read ( be nosy) others issues. I have chosen to no longer write on the message boards due to this. I know this person and have opened up about my situation, but I tell them what I want, when I want, and at my own pace. I feel like if I open up on here I am being ' spied' on in some way and I don't like that. I feel like this is taking away from chatting with others and not the point of this at all. I will continue to do the program as I am finding it helpful but will not participate in conversations. It's unreal to me that a person would disrupt someone's help for their own pleasure and nosiness.