I really heard your strength in what you wrote Shari.
I really like how you said, "we spend a lot of time worrying about what other people think of us, and they are usually thinking about themselves". That's so true and I never thought of it that way
P.S. Another way I honor myself, is the ability to say, "No", to things I don't want to do. I used to be a people pleaser. I would be angry at them for asking me to do something I didn't want to do, but in reality, I was angry at myself for saying, "Yes". It caused a lot of anxiety and upset. If I get caught off guard with an invitation to something I'm not sure about, I just tell them, "I'll have to check my calendar", or that, "I'm sorry, but I have a busy week or an appointment and I'm not able to go, but I appreciate the offer". This gets me off the hook and I have peace, because I've honored myself. I've found that their response is always favorable, they don't mind, and we can do something else another time.
I think what change it brought about is standing up for myself. I believe I'm equal to other people and have a right to be here on the planet, just like everyone else. I don't think I'm better than anyone, I just won't let people walk all over me, or allow people to control me, take advantage of my kindness, or be rude or abusive, and I'm not a door mat anymore. It helps me, because when I stand up for myself, I feel good. I feel like I'm a friend to myself and it nurtures my self esteem when I don't allow people to treat me poorly. When I respect myself, others respect me. You teach people how to treat you. If you're always accepting blame or apologizing, even when it's not your fault, then others will use you as a scapegoat, because you've accepted that position and others will gladly accept it too. I accept myself for who I am and love myself for who I am and then others do too. It's good to rest in yourself and be comfortable with yourself. I read that the person you spend the most time with, is you, so it benefits us if we like our own company :) I think the older you get, the more comfortable you are with yourself and the less you care about what others think about you. The funny thing is, we spend a lot of time worrying about what other people think of us, and they are usually thinking about themselves, not you or anyone else.
Excellent thread. I hate saying anything negative about my parents, because they have changed for the better over the years. Ironically, I think my parents were both supportive and negative forces in my life. My Mom had low self esteem and was self critical and I learned that behavior. My parents were supportive, but were also over protective, so most of my ideas got shot down, because, "That job is too dangerous, too fill in the blank..." In my early years the teachers were also negative, one said I was stupid in math and I would never learn it. I was picked on, mercilessly, in school by the other kids. What turned it around for me was going to a youth fellowship at church. It was a safe environment. I blossomed from a shy, fearful person into a social butterfly. I was given the opportunity to be the Head of the Art Committee for the youth fellowship. I remember telling the Youth Pastor I was not qualified and he begged to differ, so that encouragement did wonders for me. Also, my college experience was really positive. My best friend and I were popular (like the big men on campus phrase). I almost quit college, but my Dad gave me advice in a humorous way and I stayed with it and was actually on the Dean's List that semester. I grew up with a lot of negative core beliefs about myself and this program has helped me overcome a lot. I've also learned life coping skills here that my parents didn't have and that I've never learned from anyone else. I would say I've had low self esteem most of my life. I'm overcoming it. I think I chose spouses through a low self esteem filter - they reinforced my negative core beliefs. But, the good and positive news is that my quality of life and self esteem is much better and has improved from this site and all of the skills I've learned here.
as an illness, addiction or other left your self-esteem in the gutter? In the weeks to come, we will be exploring various strategies to help rebuild your self-esteem:
What is self-esteem?
The level of self-esteem you have is gained via reactions important people have had to you throughout your life. Starting off with your parents, it is further shaped by your siblings, superiors, friends and significant others. One primary factor in the development of self-esteem involved the positive or negative reinforcement or messages you receive from these people.
Before we can begin rebuilding, we encourage you to take make a list of the people in your life who have played an important role in your life. Were they supportive or negative forces in your life? What did they do for your self-esteem?
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