I have in the back of my mind that I will not be able to conquer attacks until I have endured anxiety symptoms and proved to myself that I can withstand the symptoms.  I have decided that I will not be able to solve the attacks until I solve the problem of working with attack (anxiety) and confusion and being competent enough to keep my job without resorting to my old habit of tensing up to avoid confusion.

To be perfectly honest here tensing up did not work anyway it is more of a way of fighting the anxiety then an actual strategy that works. Feeling the way I do know and not having an attack today  but having anxiety  yesterday I do not feel any better for not having an attack. I said it before that not having an attack is not going to get rid of the confusion from working and the anxiety from writing or making a mistake that I developed as a child. Therefore,  I do not need an attack to have symptoms while working I have enough anxiety to create symptoms with just working alone.

Upon starting this whole expedition to having no panic attacks and anxiety, I thought that when I got to this level where I am now that it would struggle with dizziness the thing that started my attacks. Therefore, in the back of my mind I figured I would have to take the dizziness and accept it as my way out of it or prove that I can take it. This thought has not gone away it has just morphed into having to a fight with confusion. The fact that there is nothing I can do about it and I have to prove myself that I can handle the confusion and be able to work. This would be the first victory I would have in my mind with attacks and not acting in a maladaptive way towards them or AVOIDING situations.

How can I cognitively get myself out of a thought that I have to accept symptoms to prove to myself that there is nothing to be feared from attacks.  I think that I knew all along that even if I got rid of attacks that I was going to be a battle to just work with all the sensations I have from just simple things like a temperature change.

I have been reading a book on acceptance of symptoms  and it made it clear to me all the things I was avoiding, an outside life, work outside, friends, and family, social occasions. When I look through my life all I can see is more and more avoidance although not agoraphobia as it is defined.

I have CBT away my attacks from turning in bed, which was the old trigger. Then the attack reason became wanting to get out of bed without an attack to avoided confusion. Then I worked on that thought about trying to get rid of confusion to be able to go back to work. The book I am reading says that I put up this symptom as a way to avoided all the things in my life. To be quite honest it is always something. This I have learned through CBT that I always come up with an excuse “if I just could rid of “, I would be able to do everything I wanted. I know this is a false statement. I am battling not just panic attacks, but a lifetime of core beliefs that give me symptoms.

I am concluding that I may never get rid of all the symptoms or if I do, it will have to be done behaviorally. That is as Davit would say I have to face the dragons outside the house. Perhaps the one thing I can take from this site is not to jump in 100% to start gradually doing things that I have avoided. All the things I have avoided cause symptoms but I do not think they are attacks.

This does not mean I am giving up on CBT I just think I am in a circular loop that I have to get out of bed to have no confusion so I can go back to work. I cannot go back to work in a confused state. I really see no way out of this loop cognitively but I can see a way out behaviorally. The book I am reading talks about mindfulness and I see this as a way to still be in confusion state and to be able to work through it at the same time. Then confusion is no longer a danger.

Any thoughts if someone could cognitively get me out of my circular loop I would love to hear it.

Dizzy