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loves trees
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9 years ago 0 loves trees 356 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo
Hi Kendra,
 
I've been told by people to "grow up" or "stop whining" and also been told some of these same things your "friend" told you. I know how much it hurts when you tell someone something about yourself like that and they come back with such hurtful words. It sounds like you were expecting more understanding and I don't blame you one bit. Why not expect some understanding when sharing osmething like that? Why don't people treat it more like having a broken leg or something physical? that is what drives me nuts. if you broke your leg people wouldn't tell you to stop whining.
 
I have also heard every excuse under the sun if I ask someone why they've been hurtful. everything from "its our cultural way to "because of my age / gender / i had a bad day, etc.."
 
the fact is that they can always choose to apologize. maybe eventually she will apologize for that hurtful comment. you never know. maybe , maybe not. 
 
 sometimes i think of us people like chickens, pecking at each other the way chickens peck at each other when they are caged too much. we peck at parents a lot. parents get a lot of pecking. no matter what we do, w'ere screwing up our kid. why is there so many people so willing and able to criticise or make us feel bad? I don't know the whole answer. I know that anyone who is seeking solutions and support for the problems they face, like you are , is a good parent. I don't know you but you are learning about something you need help with. That takes courage. If we all did that, what a different world it would be. Some people don't want to find solutions. they want to peck others.
 
 
Maybe we should start a thread to discuss parenting while learning to manage anxiety. Being a parent definitely adds another dimension to it. We all worry about what we pass along to our babes eithe via genes or nurturing. Its natural to worry about it to some degree because it is part of wanting the best for your child.
 
There is absolutely no way for any one person to "know" why a child behaves a certain way and anyone who says "oh he's  like that because his grandma drinks" or "he's like that because he is an only child" or "his mom has issues" is just stating a theory. a hypothesis. they could be right, they could be wrong. its a bit of a game some people play, trying to label kids or find a reason for their behaviour. i am very lucky that my childs daycare actively resists labeling kids like that or saying "oh those kids of divorced parents' or "oh those kids of anxious parents' because that is just a bad attitude to have.
 
kids are amazingly resilient and yes, they pick up on our anxiety probably but they pick up on everything aroudn them, the good and the bad. 
 
i just felt for you when iread your original post.
 
Davit
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9 years ago 0 Davit 6252 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo
Sunny

This is interesting

I grew up in an alcohol world. Every one drank to excess on the week end. Every event was celebrated with alcohol. Beer and hard liquor. Being sober on a week end was not a thing to do.
My father was an alcoholic but a competent one. He never drank at work. But he never went to bed sober either. He would make his lunch for the next day. Have supper, clean up and open a bottle of vodka. He never missed a day of work, but he never missed a day of booze either. I make wine and hard cider and I drink some of it but very sporadic and never to excess. Maybe at Christmas and Easter I would have a second glass. I just do not have the potential to become an alcoholic or an addict and I have been on some heavy medication. My mother died too young for me to remember if she had anxiety, I doubt it. Nor my dad or brother.
My brother had one panic attack as a result of medication and it went with the medication when he quit the medication the next day. He is now an expert on anxiety. And a pain in the butt to. I would be careful with hereditary, It is too easy to use it as an excuse. Even if it is, the cure does not change. It is still the same process. I know people do this with arthritis, No one in my family but me had or has it. 
I would also like to know if there is a gene that leaves us predisposed to anxiety. I worked all day yesterday with Monica our Coroner pressing apples. She never has anxiety or panic and you would think it comes with the job. She has a very positive attitude towards every thing she does. I wish I could be that cool. And she is not cold or unfeeling, just very positive.

Curios
Davit
Ashley -> Health Educator
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Hi Kendra,
 
That was very insensitive of your friend.  You certainly are not acting like a child.  I think it took a lot of courage to come here to seek help and to talk to your friend.  Despite your anxiety you are still trying to address the issue and that in no way is childish.
 
There is no one cause for anxiety and in most cases it is due to a number of things; stress, past experiences, a genetic predisposition or lifestyle.  Anxiety is not hereditary but you can be predisposed to anxiety due to genetics or learned behaviours.  Additionally, anxiety related conditions are very common and highly treatable.
 
All that being said Kendra, what a great way to show your daughter how anxiety can be overcome. By working on the program not only are you going to feel better but you also may start modelling healthier behaviours!  Your daughter will learn pretty quickly how strong her mom is and also how strong she herself can be when overcoming any problem.  I think you should feel proud of yourself for working on this program trying to better yourself while at the same time trying to be a good role model for your daughter!  What a good mom! 
 
You can post in the relaxation and lifestyle section but in the support group we do try to keep all discussions related to anxiety in some way.
 
 

Ashley, Health Educator
sweatbee
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9 years ago 0 sweatbee 122 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo
 
 
 
 
Hi Kendra,
 
 
First let me tell you how sorry I am that your "Friend" made you
feel that way! You said that you have been their for her in the past
which is what friends do for each other, you might want to rethink your friendship
even if she doesn't understand what you are going through, you are
going to need people around you that are positive and supportive
as you do the program and  leave the panic and anxiety behind.
As to your daughter, as you go through the program and learn new
coping skills you can pass these skills on to your daughter.  I can tell
you from my own experience I have a 21 yr old daughter and she is out going
and confident, and I have had anxiety and panic since she was born
I made it a point when she was growing up that if I saw her struggling
with everyday childhood fears I would try and give her coping skills
and support to deal with the issue. Just because you have panic and anxiety
doesn't mean that she will. Do the program and lean on the people who have your
best interest at heart and let the others fall to the wayside.
All my best.
 
sweatbee
Sunflower Painter
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9 years ago 0 Sunflower Painter 250 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo
Thanks everyone!

I felt horrible last night but now I have calmed a bit and I realize that my "friend" doesn't have a clue. She was always blunt, she told me it was a cultural thing, she said Indians are blunt. I think it was just rude and cruel.

I think she reacted that was because she wasn't used to me being weak. I am the one who she would turn to for every trial in life. She used to email/text/call me all the time and I helped her. I reached out to her and she couldn't or wouldn't return the favour. This has happened to me before with so called friends.

I really am liking the program. I restarted it a few days back and I am on to the 10 questions part, which I love. It brought my level of worry down quite a bit. I plan on doing it throughout the day when panic strikes.

My husband is being very supportive so that is really good. I was afraid of today, since my daughter started Grade 4 today. I was worried she would be sad or anxious. She wasn't! At all! In fact she said "I can't wait for you to go to work so we can save for a trip and so I can be with my friend in the morning and Grandma after school."

So I think she is stronger than I thought! Which is amazing!!

It's funny, because I could say a lot of things about the way my friend parents, letting her son stay up all night, eat constantly bad food and she lets her son hit her! But I only vent that here :)

Anyways, I am thrilled with this group and I plan on staying! You are all such a great group of friends.

Also, is there a discussion of just daily stuff, what's new etc?

Take care everyone!!
Spartan117
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9 years ago 0 Spartan117 49 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo
Kendra - -
 
That's so horrible that someone would say something like that to you, did they not think that it would hurt? Has that person ever experienced the anxiety that you are feeling? Sounds like they do not understand what you are going through; it makes me so angry when people can say something like, "stop acting like a child" ESPECIALLY when they don't understand what a person suffering from anxiety and panic are going through. All I can say is don't listen to them, because that type of negative talk can really hurt. You are not stuck like this forever, and your daughter doesn't have to be "set on the same path", as you had said in your post. Try to replace the negative thoughts with positive thoughts, I know it can be hard I struggle with that idea too. Hang in there, we're here for you.
 
Spartan
sunny123
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9 years ago 0 sunny123 1665 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo
This is interesting.  I had heard that it can be inherited.  Not to say that the child will have it, but that the child may be predisposed to having it later on.  And of course, association growing up with it in a family member.  The same with alcoholism.  Research has shown a gene which can be inherited. 
 
Health Educators, can you answer this question?
Thanks.
 
 
Davit
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9 years ago 0 Davit 6252 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo
I did not mean this program we know it works, I meant that stupid expression "Get with the program". As if getting in line ever cured anything.

Davit.
Davit
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9 years ago 0 Davit 6252 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo
Kendra

In one word, "bull". People do not understand. And this makes me very mad. It may run in families because of association but it is not hereditary. It is a product of your upbringing. See negative core beliefs. Love your child and give her all the positive help you can and you can break the cycle. Do not believe this Garbage from people that only think  all you have to do is get with the program. They make me mad. They do not understand, but to think they have the answers to something they no not is cruel. We love you and you will be cured and your child will be fine. Stick with us and I can guaranty it.

Here for you, 
your friend 
Davit.
Sunflower Painter
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9 years ago 0 Sunflower Painter 250 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo
I am struggling with starting a new job and so I reached out to two people. My husband, who is incredibly support, who puts up with way more than he should. And my "friend" from college. Her and I hit it off during school and she has shared a lot with me so I finally shared with her.

I told her about my anxiety and how worried and panicky I was about starting work. She told me I was acting like a child. She also said, no wonder your daughter is a worry wart and has separation anxiety. She said my daughter who is 9 behaves that way because of me. Wow. I felt like I had been punched in the stomach. I know I am not a great role model but wow, truth does hurt.

It is like a cycle. My mother suffered from nervous breakdowns and anxiety and I am doing the same thing to my own daughter. 

I have never felt so horrible in all my life. All that which I hated about my own upbringing has become what I have done. I have set my daughter on the same path.

I feel hopeless and guilty.

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