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New year same thing

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 6252

Sunflower

Work is a horrible monster if you have to do it rather than want to. Fortunately I never had to. A combination of never wanting more than I could afford and doing what I liked to do. Sometimes this meant finding the good in a job. I'll admit I have had a lot of different jobs and everyone was out of the field I was trained for. Electronics wasn't a mistake, having to deal with arrogant people richer (and dumber) than me was. I'm not cut out to suck up. So I did something else.

For five summers in a row I drove a fork lift unloading barges even though it gave me motion sickness sometimes. I loved the challenge and I loved being by the water. I lived in a cabin in the next bay and went to work by boat. I was also the only other crane operator. I didn't understand stress then. I thought it was normal to be tense and shake inside while slinging boats in and out of the water with people riding on them. Or swinging expensive stuff across the water to the dock. At the end of the day (sometimes twelve to sixteen hours) I'd get in my boat and go home or if I felt like it go fishing instead.

So is this a failure. My brother was making more money driving a truck and working shorter hours. I doubt it. Happy can never be a failure. All my life I've listened to people tell me I could be making more money while they *****ed about their job in the same breath.

Happy is a state of mind you can't borrow it or buy it. It is in you to find. If bringing in money makes you happy it can be the ticket to doing something that is not ideal. This seems to be the way most people get by with something that is not ideal. And it doesn't have to be permanent.

Davit.

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1071

Wow! I am so impressed with you Sunflower. Keep up this thinking every day! I can't really add anything to what you wrote, because you said it all and I'm really proud of you. I think your username should be Gutsy :) :) :) You can do it! We've all got our pom poms out and we're ready to be your cheerleaders for this new and exciting adventure of yours. Well done!

Shari P.S. Maybe the guys can cheer with applause :) ...And, anyone who can do a cartwheel, feel free to do one :)

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 250

Thanks for helping me out so much. Sometimes it is just so nice to post issues here and get help. I love the fact that people put in their opinions. My family/husband etc refuse to offer their opinions because they don't want me to just go with what they say I guess.

I would love to just be at home all the time but we just can't afford it. I need to be pulling in at least a part time income. I grew up in a household where my mom was at home but worked part time. She cleaned and I used to go with her.

Like everyone else, I would love to win a lottery. I would just be at home and bake lol. In our province we need trade certifications in order to be a baker. There is apprenticeships involved and schooling. You need a diploma and certifications for almost everything here.

I think for the longest time I was just taking everything too seriously. I work with kids, doesn't sound so serious when I type it. I did get a job by the way. I start tomorrow. I am nervous but it is a good place working as back up to teachers and assisting a boy with special needs. I like the idea of not being the one in charge. There will be training too so it will be nice. 9-5 shift, easy busing to get there and back.

It is full time but I get spring break and summers off. The job may only last until the end of June.

I asked my daughter if she was ok with me working and she is. I was afraid that she would not cope but she is 11 going on 25 lol. She is fine with going to her grandma in the mornings and afterschool. Luckily we live in a duplex so the in-laws are only upstairs.

I hope I will be able to cope. No, I will cope!

I am going to try to relax today, watch some Murder She Wrote etc. I think it will be nice to have some more money coming in. There has been lot less stress for my husband who has been struggling to pay for everything on his wage which is fairly low. Here in our province the wages are fairly low compared to other provinces and the US.

As for my confidence issues I will just have to ignore them. I often have a negative voice in my head but now is the time to ignore it. Just because it says something doesn't mean it is true. It is time to challenge the negativity. I am going to look at tomorrow as an experiment. One day at a time and try not to obsess and replay everything. I will also ask for help if I need it and if it doesn't work out it isn't the end of the world. I grew up in a household where it was do or die. My Dad hated his job and had to take stress leave a lot of the time. He would sometimes get so upset. I felt so bad. I suppose I always looked at work as being this horrible monster. But maybe it isn't all that bad. It is just work. My 19 and 20 year old nieces work, so if they can do it, so can I.

Well, wish me luck! And thanks for listening :) I will let everyone know what happens. I just have to be positive. I can do this!

Sunflower

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1071

One last idea...As Dr. Phil says, "What is the payoff you are getting?" We do things, because we are getting something out of it. If we weren't, we wouldn't do them. Like with anxiety, before CBT, we would get in a fearful situation and when we avoided it, we got a pay off of instant anxiety relief. However, as we've learned, it isn't the correct response; it just keeps us in the cycle of fear. We learn coping skills, and then we learn the proper way to handle fearful situations in order to reduce anxiety and panic for the next time. And, over time, it either goes away or we are able to manage it successfully. I used to have family members that were addicted to drama and I was shocked that I was doing it too. I couldn't see it, but others could. So, once I realized that my life was boring, and drama made it seem more interesting and exciting (the pay off), I stopped doing it, because I realized what the pay off was. I know some of my relatives pay off's were getting sympathy and attention and they did it in a negative way instead of finding a positive solution. Now, I choose peace and embrace it, although it felt odd at the time. I also am actually going out and trying new things, so that's a healthier positive way to make life less boring and more exciting. I hope that helps with some ideas and possibilities to explore :) Also, I told my husband, before we got married that I was an old fashioned housewife, not a career woman, so if he was looking for a woman to pull in a second income, do not marry me, marry a career woman. However, I still allowed him to make me feel guilty about it, but then I kept reminding him that I told him that I was a housewife not a career woman, before we got married. And, when I accepted that and tried not to fit into his mold of career woman, he then accepted it too and the subject was dropped. I just want to state that getting a negative payoff for something, does not make you a bad person. I think we have misguided coping skills that just fall into place as a survival mechanism. We just have to find out what the payoff is and if we discover it is negative, we can turn it around into a positive like turning avoidance into positive coping skills for anxiety. That's everything I can think of :)

Shari

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1071

Hi Sunflower,

Maybe you are afraid of success? If you like to bake, in the U.S. anyway, all of the grocery stores hire bakers and you don't need a degree, just on the job training. I know you say that you have to work, but you seem to be okay not working. I'm wondering why you pressure yourself so much into thinking you have to do it. If you are peaceful at home, why do you "have" to do it. If you still feel you have to, can you finish this program first and build up your confidence, and then try again? I'm not trying to discourage you or encourage avoidance. When you said you have self esteem issues (as do I and I'm working on them), I think you believe your negative core belief, and you keep doing the same thing over with the same results, because you are subconsciously trying to prove that your negative core belief is right. It's a self fulfilling prophecy. It's just something to think about. I'm on your side. I just hate to see you beat yourself up over it. You are a good person, a worthy person and a wonderful person. If you could be kind to yourself, like you are to others, that would be good. I've read some books on self compassion and self esteem. Maybe they would give you ideas on building up confidence by taking baby steps, so you can go on further to taking bigger steps. I care about you and just want you to be happy and less stressed. We're here for you. P.S. Trying to find the root cause is really key, because you can't fix it, if you don't know what it is. It may be disguised as other things, but unless it is the root cause that is dealt with, things will keep cycling. Not trying to be discouraging, just trying to help you to find the root of it.

Love, Shari

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 356

Hi Sunflower Painter,

I started learning about and practicing some CBT in 2010. It took a while to chip away at my core beliefs. I wish I could tell you a trick to get at them more quickly but in my experience it took time. It was worth sticking with the soul searching that comes with looking for and at your core beliefs.

It is a process. Keep at it. The people on this site can help a lot. They helped me a lot.

I hear you about wanting friends. I found it impossible to make new good friends while I was struggling with negative core beliefs. I was gravitating towards people with negative core beliefs without knowing that is what I was doing. I believe that if you work on creating positive core beliefs, it will be easier to find friends and have friendships that are supportive. I have positive core beliefs now and I think that the way I talk to people and interact has changed dramatically compared to 2 years ago. It can be done - definitely.

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 6252

Sunflower Painter

Core belief is the name for a belief (true or not) that is the root of other beliefs. Because they spin off other beliefs that reinforce it, it becomes even stronger over time. To make things worse, if you tend to look to others because you don't trust your own judgement (low self esteem) you will give them even more power. Especially if they were initiated by others teasing you about your capability. Hurtful things get lodged in memory like a cockle burr in a dogs coat. There to stay for ever if you let them.

I like the bit about Catholic guilt. Now there is a core belief :-) LOL

The sunflower is the most amazing plant, it follows the sun across the sky taking in the sun and shining in all its glory.

It does it's best and doesn't care what the other plants care yet it was used to support melons and keep them off the ground. It was grown with corn because corn by itself is incomplete.

Work on the core beliefs, be the sunflower.

Davit.

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 11215

Hi Sunflower Painter,

Core beliefs are formed at a young age. You can learn more about them while doing the program. I urge you to get working on it. The program will help you get a handle on these beliefs and even help you to replace them with new positive core beliefs.

You do deserve happiness. How can you push yourself to fight for it?

Ashley, Health Educator

Here to help :)

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 250

The last line of your reply got me thinking. My core belief. I have no self-esteem. I have no confidence. I assume the worst and usually assume it will happen to me because I don't deserve happiness. I punish myself a lot. I have no idea why. Left over catholic guilt? lol

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 6252

The supermarkets here require only a food safe certificate. The baker only puts it in pans. It is packaged or frozen ahead of time. Now that is a do it and go home job.

You have a pretty bad core belief, are you working on it?

Davit.

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