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12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 2508

Hello Debora,

I really have nothing to add to the great advice and caring support that everyone else has given you except to repeat what Samantha already said..Please get the assistance necessary to get through this time..

I wish you the best...

Red...

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 373

Hi Debora,

Just a note to let you know I am wishing you well. I looked up online and Florida has free resources available for people who are quitting smoking. Certainly increased anxiety is one of the side effects of nicotine withdrawal and that can't be helping. I was thinking that they might give you a free patch starter kit. There is a website (I don't think that we can post links here, though) and a 1-800 # you can call. If you type in "Tobacco Free Florida" in Google search, you should be able to find information that can help you.

I hope that you'll be back working toward your vision soon - of getting to enjoy your pool and getting a nice haircut and manicure and going out to dinner.

There are two quotes that are on my mind as I write this: One is a favorite of mine: "Every day is a gift" and the other one I just heard this week "the pain that we experience acts like an arrow being pulled back. When we let go, we are thrust closer to our destiny.".

I wish you peace tonight, Debora,

Carmie

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 542

Hi Sunny Hi Red,

I could not get back online last night too write you back Sunny it stormed and the power went out. I am fighting off a panic attack right now, its an hour till I can take my pill and I would rather get through it myself. I am pretty much over what the therapist said, like you said Sunny I never have to deal with him again and he never helped anyway so the fact its over is good, I just could not believe he would say those things, I thought his job was too try to ease my fears not give me more fears in me, and yes Red I want to help others one day right now I feel so scared and hopeless I cannot, you have helped Red with your words of course, you are going through health issues yourself I know, and I know Sunny you went through almost everything I am going through and came out, I just wish I would not wake every day with that sick butterfly fear in my tummy it ruins the whole day! Its like the minute I wake it starts before my eyes are open, and how I hate that morn feeling.

My husband got his implants in today and came home a few hours ago with a bloody mouth and in a lot of pain, that set me off too, to see him bleeding and in pain, he is pretty stoic so I know it must be bad, I am trying to remain strong because I know he is in a bad way right now and is probably a little scared too, he is trying too rest and I am trying too keep it quiet.

I still have that swollen gland in my neck which is scaring me and my toe is hurting from steppping on that little sliver of glass last week, I am trying to ignore it, my friend said I should go too urgent care but right now my husband cannot drive bleeding and on pain killers and the thought of going to another doctor overwhelms me, I am rinsing my mouth with peroxide and drinking lots of juice and water, its a little less swollen than yesterday, I do not think its due to my throat problem, I think its a tooth, I brushed my gums and it hurt so hopefully it will heal and ease and go away, I have been on two ten day courses of antibotics and cant take anymore, I am hoping the toe and gland go away, I have so much more too deal with right now.

I did two bad things today, and I am ashamed of them, first the ENT doctors office called and I did not answer, I am checking caller ID since the therpists call yesterday, I could not even pick up the phone and talk too them, I was already panicking and shaking from seeing my husband bloody and bad and I could not even hear the words, "surgery" and "pre-op" maybe tommorow, I know if I picked up that call that would of sent me into a tailspin, also I smoked a cigarette!! I am so mad at myself, I had a few hid away and I smoked one, just too stop the withdrawal and shaking, it helped temporary but then I felt horrible afterwards how bad it is for me, I may have too get the patch, going through this panic and depression, perimenopause, and impending surgery along with quitting smoking is brutal, I get so scared sometimes my body is just going to give out. the body symptoms are bad and I do not know whats emotional or physical and now my husband is down for the count, I cannot keep running to doctors, it does not help. I am praying things will look up, my brother told me "Deb there has GOT to be a light at the end of this tunnel" I pray his words go right to heaven and I can have my life and health back.

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 2508

Deb,

It sounds like you have been through a lot and have been able to handle some very tough situations and are getting stronger every day. I noticed while reading your thread that you mentioned wanting to be able to help others like they have helped you. They have a section on the site about helping others and about how doing this also helps you..I know that I find when I help others it helps me to get out of myself for while and makes me feel better..So maybe you are on to something here and helping others would help you too..Just a thought..something to think about...

Red...

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1665

Hi D: wow, I think it was totally unethical. So sorry you went through that, it sounds terribly upsetting and I feel for you. Sounds like you did well though, you let him know the relationship was over. If he ever calls again, I wouldn't explain anything, everything has been said, I would just end the call.

There's an old saying - when you hit bottom there's no place to go but up. Let's start with a positive thought. The therapist is gone! yippee, (only because he wasn't helping you as you had said many times). So let's celebrate this door closing and another one opening. :-) I would feel such relief to not have to see him ever again.

So you see, I don't think things are getting worse, I think they are getting better because you also now have a proper diagnosis for your throat pain and you have a plan on what you need to do to get better. These are positives. You struggled to get to your appts. but you did it! You can be strong when you have to.

cheering for you,

Sunny

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 542

Thank you Hugs for your words and prayers. I have called ID and I will use it, I just do not understand why this happened? I could not upset a sick person and live with myself. Thank you Hugs for thinking of me I so appreciate it and I hope you are well.

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 4027

Deb,

We're supporting you, even though you might not get responses immeditately. Also, you sound better physically, while your emotional roller coaster is going through a few bumps...Carmie or Sunny will be in touch...they always check back occasionally.

We'll pray for you

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 542

Oh Carmie or Sunny I hope you are online. An hour ago I was starting to calm down a bit, I had a panic attack but took a pill and felt a little better. My old therapist called me, you know the one I stopped seeing about a month ago. He sounded SO angry that I terminated therapy, he blamed my husband basically, he called him selfish and unloving and said his anger at my condition was stopping my recovery! He said my husband took vows "for better or for worse" and "in sickness and in health" and yes I know that, I even defended my husband even through he has not been very supportive, I told the therapist that he has his own medical problems and he works hard all day in the hot sun and has to come home too me most days in a bad state, that if the roles were reversed I myself might get a little frustrated, I could not believe a mental health therapist would call me and say these things too really scare me, he pretty much insinutated that my husband was going to leave me and I should talk to an attorney!? Why would he do this? I am in such a bad fragile state right now, is he trying to push me over the edge? I do not blame my husband for my problems, yes I wish he would be more supportive but its not his fault I fell apart and not getting better, I was going up a little around the holidays but then I got very very sick with the broncitil pnuemonia and laringitis and the clincher was being told I needed surgery, that is what made me worse and I know it.

My brother said he is just angry because now he will not get the money, but I paid him well for a whole year, my brother thinks its criminal to call an emotionally distraught women and say these things, now I am really scared, my fear is someday if I do not get well my husband and son leaving but putting it in my mind does not help. I am sorry he is upset about the loss of money, but I am upset about the loss of my mind, and if he could not help me for thirteen months I doubt another thirteen months would help. This was MY decision to terminate therapy and I told him that, through my husband agreed whole he was not helping me, even my Aunt said so, I know he is angry but to do that to someone in my condition is a very bad thing.

I dont think I will ever see another therapist after this disaster. I never heard of a therapist trying to scare a patient and put more fears on thier plate, I should of not answered the phone, I did not know who it was, I will be more careful from now on, I put my mental health, my mind, my faith and hope in this man for over a year, I feel so betrayed and now more scared.

I am sorry he is upset about the loss of money but he will go on I am sure to other people, he just could not help me and I accept that, its not my husbands fault I broke down, I got very sick he did not cause it. Why do things keep getting worse and worse? I just want too get well.

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 373

Hi Debora -

I think you are doing the right thing by giving yourself a couple of weeks to relax and to not worry about your throat. It might be really nice to spend a few minutes a day with your vision. Imagining going for a swim and on long walks and out to dinner. Maybe even spend some time thinking of a strategy of how you will be able to really accomplish some of those things. Like getting your hair done and makeup. You know that might cost a bit but I know it would be really therapeutic. Are there any hair salons open at night or that are nearby? Do you know a hairdresser who might come to your house.

You sound even better today than yesterday. Hang in there, Debora. I wish you very well!

Carmie

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 542

Hello, I just read everyone's posts, my husband and son were on the computer a lot so I did not get on. Your response on too "let go and let God" I am trying too do Sunny, I think you may be right I pray and pray and ask for help strength and healing but am I really "letting it go" if I were some of the fear and worry would not be so extreme, just too "give it all to God" maybe that is my problem, there are times when that works but the old fears come back raging, I am going to have too really give it to God and let it go....how nice that would be just to let it go and forget it. I know you went through what I went through Sunny especially with the white coat syndrome and doctors visits, just thinking about it is painful, somehow you got through it and I will try to follow your example. Carmie I understand your theory when you said to have a "vision" I try to visulize myself swimming in our above ground pool, going for long walks, going to the libaray, out too dinner, a carnival etc......and then to picture myself with my hair done and makeup and looking and feeling healthy, those are positive thoughts and good advice and I do try to do that, and I guess you noticed before bed I feel better, I think I know that I am going to take my pill and sleep and for awhile everything goes away, its dark late and cool, I wish I could feel like that during the day through when life is up and running, in the wee hours of the morning I should be sleeping, my days and nights are mixed up and I think I sleep so much because I know if I am sleeping I am not panicking, crying or craving a cigarette or worrying, but sleep should be used for restoration not for escape and its not healthy for circulation, I need to be up more and more active.

You had mentioned Samantha about getting the assistance I need through this bad bad time, I am so gun-shy about another therapist after the bad experience I had with the one I saw for a year and I dont even know if my husband would agree because of money issues, it seems like the ones I think will help are not on our plan and it can be between $150.00-$200.00 an hour which at once a week or even twice a week we could never do, I kind of lost faith in therapy because of the man who saw me for a year and did not help and my husband thinks made me worse, my husband thinks I have too do it on my own and not rely on anyone else and I know he has a point, I need to stand on my own two feet and try to be strong now.

I am going to put the surgery out of my head for a few weeks, I know this may not be the right thing too do, and its probably "denial" but ever since I found out it has taken all my work and put it down the drain not too mention my sanity, I have gotten much much worse since finding it out, I thought I would just "ignore" it for a few weeks and try to get stable again and get a second opinion, my voice is stronger and the vocal cord wheezing has gone down, maybe its getting better or going away? they say it can do that, its rare but it can happen, I just want to forget about it for awhile, and its hard because its all in my dreams and thoughts. I know ignoring something and denial is not good but just for a little while till I can gather some emotional and mental strength, I may have to go back and do certain parts of the program again, especially the worry section. Thank you so much for listening, my hope and prayer is one day I can get better and help others like you all are helping me.

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