I posted yesterday but it got lost I guess, maybe that is for the better it was kind of a depressing post, I sounded very bad.
I just got off the phone with my therapist, it helped a little, this is only the second time I phoned him in 10 months so I guess it was alright, I told him I feel like I am "going down" again and I am worried, these feelings are coming back and I am scared.
Yesterday I started to cry and I could not stop for hours!? I do not know what happened? I think I finally realized how much time I lost with this disorder and how I fear the future, depression is almost as bad as panic, but I know they go together most of the time, I cannot take antidepressants so I am fighting the sadness on my own, at least I have the Klonopin for anxiety.
There is a banquet Saturday night for my husband and son, they, and others, are being honored and given awards, and I am so proud, but I am very sad I cannot go, I know I will not be able to make it and my husband does too, even my therapist said to skip it if I am scared and not ready. The two reasons I am not going are I am scared I will have to bolt out of the room and that would humilate and horrify my son and husband, never would I intentionally humilate them, secondly I look very bad, I even did my hair and put make-up on and I look so bad still, old, haggard, and depressed, almost garish, for the first time in my life I look WORSE with make-up, this disorder has robbed me of so much, what looks I had are gone, along with my physical and emotional health, its best to stay home than to go and have people talk about how bad I look and "what happened to Debby?" Its so obvious I am not well, people I have not seen in awhile comment on it, and it hurts me bad.
I was so happy the panic's decreased but the darned agorophobia, depression and health anxiety will NOT leave, I still fear cancer, heart attacks and strokes, I feel like they are "coming at me" and I so want those terrible morbid thoughts out of my head, I do not want to cry, I use to cry because of the panic's, why am I crying now? I can let go of the past, its the future that scares me and I know I cannot control it, everyone else is out and about enjoying life and I hide in my home like a hundred year old woman, thats not right, but I am scared to be around a lot of people far from home. It worries me.
I so do NOT want to go into 2012 like this, its unbearable to even think about, this disorder has taken almost one year of my life and so much more, the thought of living another year like this, if I make it, is very scary and depressing. I pray not.
I take my medicine, see a therapist, see a nurse-practioner, doing the CBT, reading self-help and praying! What more can I do? I so want to get well and feel and look good again, today I am very anxious and weepy, not a good way too feel, my therapist wants me to get out more but if you are terrified and look horrible isn't is best to stay home? I do not want people talking about me or my family, and people can be cruel and clueless about emotional and mental illness and its a shame.
I am sorry for venting, what am I doing wrong? why am I not recovering like other members? They say CBT works, but I cannot rid my brain of all these thoughts, I have worked so hard and do not want to go down again. Is this just a setback? I hope its temporary, and not a fallback, can you have a breakdown when you have not recovered from the first one! I even am "gasping" out of nowhere, I notice several times a day I kind of like "gasp" like a sharp intake of breath for no reason, I believe its anxiety and I ate some whole-grain pasta last night and became ill, can whole-grain pasta give you a stomach upset, I thought it was healthy. I guess I am rambling, I am sorry, I so need help and encouragement, I want to survive this!
