Thanks for your support everyone.  When I said "fake" panic, what I meant was... the panic that I felt when I thought my son and I were in imminent danger of being shot was REAL.  As in, the bear is really chasing me through the forest, so my fight-or-flight response is valid and doing what it's supposed to.  The panic that I get from letting negative thoughts take over is "fake" because it's not in reference to any real danger.  It's me, running around my panic feedback loop.  I know that I have spent much longer well than sick, and I know that anxiety and PTSD is normal after an event like this.  It's just been SO LONG since I've had to deal with this that I'm rusty at it.  I forgot how HARD it is to change the way you think - to actually CHANGE YOUR BRAIN.  I know I can do it.  Most of the work is done already.  I just have to remember...

 

Davit, I'm sorry to hear about your Ativan experience.  Truthfully, I really hardly ever use it.  I've taken it twice in the last 3 years, and both times were this week when I had panic attacks.  I just carry the bottle around in case I need it.

 

Today's news is: I took my son back to the mall.  I wanted to make sure that we were both able to "get back on the horse".  I had been trying to take him for a few days now, but he would always cry and tell me it was not safe.  So today, I just didn't tell him where we were going.  We sat in that very food court and got pizza at the very restaurant.  I looked into the stores that had slammed their security gates down.  We walked around.  He played in the play area.  We stayed for HOURS.  I was really happy.  Both of us were fine.  I'm a firm believer in not letting my world get smaller due to my anxiety. 

 

Thanks again all.  I'll continue to keep you updated.  

 

Laura

Knowing the source, talking about the incident with other ppl who experienced it, seeing a counselor for a bit.... all are ways to let this experience flow on through and allow you to eventually get back on track.... get the panic under control... and get on with your very busy life.  You have so much going on.... please, give yourself a break....  take care of you and be gentle about your come back.  It is possible and you have come to a good place to fine tune your already strong CBT skills and get some much needed support. 

Welcome to the site. Why do you consider it a fake attack. Obviously it is still bothering you or it wouldn't be happening. You have done CBT so you know how panic attacks work. The rest of the people that went through that experience don't. Except for a small percentage that might have the same panic disorder, depending on how many people were there. What they get is a night mare or two and drop it and write it off to experience, probably bringing it up once in a while for the storey. You on the other hand know what panic attacks are and how to make them. Yes, make them. By "what iffing" and dwelling on it. So how are you going to let it go?And why aren't they having these attacks? Negative verses positive. You are looking at the negative aspect of it. What if it happens again. What could have happened. How will this effect my future, my child's? They are thinking well that was an experience and instead of going back to it (sub conscious or otherwise) they are thinking on things they consider more important and these more important thoughts are burying the negative thought. This is why if they tell the storey a week later it will be different likely. You on the other hand know how to keep the panic alive by not burying it with other thoughts. You are probably very capable of doing this Subconsciously, even in your sleep. You are also probably keeping it alive by worrying about its effects on you and your child. The child doesn't know what anxiety is past the actual moment so it is probably gone and unless it happened over and over would not become a core belief. There is so much new in a child's life even something this dramatic will get replaced with something more exciting. (pizza). So that leaves you. How are you going to turn this experience into some thing positive so it doesn't continue to cause panic?

By telling yourself it is only panic because you know it is panic, it could be something else if you want it to be. It is over it is in the past, it is not important. By concentrating on keeping you and your child happy and building happy positive thoughts to cover up every negative one that comes along.

By the way Ativan will interfere with this and do you more harm in the long run. It actually only misplaces the negative thought for a while allowing it to reappear later. If you can hold off the ativan by relaxation exercises, distractions or other coping skills you will be better for it.

(this is personal experience from me, an Ativan addict)

Here for you,

Davit.

Hello Laura,

 

Welcome to our online support community thank you for sharing your story with us. It sounds like you had a really frightening experience.

 

There are many people within this support group that share the same questions and concerns as you.  We are all a group of individuals who support each other.  

Hello Laura:  Wow!  No wonder you had panic.  It shows you have a healthy system - this was a fight or flight incident for sure.  I think your little one will be o.k.  I think too, that it's probably normal to feel some "after shock" after this.  It's good you are talking about it and not holding it in.  Go ahead and cry and get it all out.  You may not go all the way back to square 1.  It sounds like you are knowledgeable of CBT and can use it for this happening and all will settle down again.  Thank goodness no one was hurt and this person can get help.  Keep the faith.

 

Sunny

Hi Laura,

 

oh my god, what a terrible frightening experiance this must have been, i think even if people did not have panic disorder it could definately start after something like this, you are very brave and very strong (even though you might think that you are not) its good your son is so little he will probably forget this experiance and wont be to damaged by it, i hope it does not set you back to much but i think what you are going through is perfectly normal given the couple of weeks you have had, sorry for the loss of your dog, i just lost my beautiful mini poodle Molly after 15 years and it devastated me.

 

Your friend Debi

It's the weirdest thing!!  

 

First of all, I'm Laura, and I have had panic disorder since 1996.  Hard to believe that's 15 years.  I could write a novel about my life with panic disorder, but the short version is that I have been mostly well for 8 or 9 years.  I did CBT and it really helped a lot.  I still take meds -200mg zoloft daily (high, I know), .5mg klonopin when anxiety ramps up, and 1mg ativan when panic is imminent.

 

So the truth is, I've had a lot of change lately.  I finished school, got a job that required us to move out of state.  I'm a first-year special ed teacher, so it's been a wild, frantic ride trying to keep up.  My son just started daycare in August at the age of 2.  He's now 2 1/2 and is definitely a Terrible Two.

 

 My setback began two weeks ago.  I decided to take my son to the local mall.  They have a play area there, and it's free indoor entertainment for my son in this rainy climate.  We were at the food court ordering pizza, his favorite food, when I suddenly heard the scraping of a hundred chairs at once.  I turned around (things went into slow motion at this point), and saw a ton of people stampeding my way or hitting the floor like a bank robbery.  I must have gone blank for a second, but in that second I thought of the shootings in Arizona, all the school shootings, mall shootings, church shootings... and then I heard someone yelling GUN, GUN, HE HAS A GUN, and someone was screaming SHOTS FIRED into a cell phone.  I looked down at my 2 year old.  Then I threw him down on the floor and lay on top of him.  There was a lot of noise.  I looked up and saw stores slamming down their metal grates and herding customers into the back of their stores.  The food court cleared in about 30 seconds.  I stood and joined a stampede of people running out of there, I didn't know where, my son clutched like a football in my arms.  He was really upset, kicking and screaming NO MAMA!  NO MAMA! and I realized I was screaming too, NO NO NO NO... I tried to calm down and tell him it's going to be OK, we just have to leave.  I left everything - my credit card, the stroller, everything - and followed the stampede into an employee area.  We pushed through tunnels and wound up running out onto a loading dock.  I stood behind some dumpsters with an elderly couple, and we watched people streaming out of the mall, a woman was standing in the middle of the street screaming on her phone in Spanish WHERE ARE YOU!!!  It was total chaos, and we didn't know where the gunman was.  The old lady asked me if I thought it was safer to stay behind the dumpster or to keep running away.  I didn't know!  My son was hitting my face, he was so upset.  So I clutched him to me and ran out into the street and hid behind an SUV in the parking lot.  So many people were calling 911 that I couldn't call for help.  I stood there squeezing my baby and started to cry.  Other people seemed to be calming down, but I couldn't calm down.  I was shaking and hyperventilating and I thought vaguely that since my fight-or-flight system malfunctions, this would be my first opportunity to see how it works when it's supposed to.  And it was not calming back down.  My stuff was in the mall, I didn't know where my car was, I was alone with my small toddler who didn't understand what was going on, I was getting over the flu, and I couldn't call ANYONE because my phone wouldn't work.  I was so upset that all I wanted was to sit on the curb and cry but I was afraid if I sat down, that would be when the gunman came out firing.  Cop cars screamed up and cops went pouring into the mall.

 

 After awhile, I realized people were trickling back into the mall.  I wandered over that way and asked what was going on.  Someone told me that no shots were fired, and the guy had been arrested.  So I walked back into the mall, retrieved my credit card and the stroller, and sat in the empty food court in shock.  I let my son eat his pizza.  I tried to do something useful, so I picked up deserted cell phones and purses and tried to find their owners.  Then someone made a noise, everyone looked up at once, and I FLIPPED OUT.  They were just listening to an announcement, but I thought the gunman was back.  At that point my phone started working again.  I called my husband and he said COME HOME.  I was afraid to drive, but I made it home.  We took my son to the park instead, to take our minds off.

 

 I had my first panic attack in years the next morning.  I've had them on and off ever since.  They seem to get better if I throw up, but I keep thinking how bad this is.  I'm in a new job.  I'm the sole breadwinner.  I have a toddler who learns by observing EVERYTHING I DO, and I am TERRIFIED that his genes coupled with my mental illness is going to screw him up.  This is the first time he's ever seen me like this.

 

The icing on the cake is that our dog died a week later.  Try explaining that to a 30-month-old.

 

About the mall incident - it turns out that it was just some guy having his first psychotic break.  He didn't even HAVE a gun.  But mass hysteria had taken over by the time it reached us in the food court.  And there had been a fatal shooting at this mall, in that food court, 4 years before.  So I assume people were expecting the worst.

 

 Does anyone have experience with "fake" panic coming on the heels of a "real" panic experience?  What do I do?

 

Thanks all,

Laura

 

PS - Holy bananas!  Sorry this was so long!