I have been on medication for over a year, but it's helped a lot. Also, I do go through therapy, but it's really hard for me to be watched and explain how hard anxiety attacks are. I have before, and it just seems like I down play it a lot.
I tend to feel guilty a lot, and mostly like a burden. I never considered myself as someone with no self esteem.
She is upset with me, and I don't blame her. But, I sent her to take some time. I need her to stop being upset with me, and thinking that I am abandoning her. But, at the same time...It hurts me to know, how much I can hurt her. Her mental health is at stake as well as mine. I have put her through hell. Especially, with the seasonal depression arriving.
Last night, we talked about it. After I have spent two days in and out of panic attacks, and the worry about her, also guilt. She really is hitting a hard spot. But, I can see how much I hurt her, and it worries me even more that she tries to make excuses for me, or down play how much hurt I have caused her. She has always been there for me, even through my panic attacks even though she doesn't understand it, or understand why they happen. She has cancelled plans that we had made, because of my anxiety attacks.
Yes, it does seem like, I don't like going out, and hanging out with other people. I fear that I'm establishing the fear of leaving home, without her. She brought me to a Ranch and cleaning stalls, and helping with him is helping a lot. That's where I like to spend the time, when I'm not at home. It means a lot to her that I come.
Sometimes, when I get too excited about something and work myself up, I wont go. I have tried breathing exercises, that work once in a while. But, it seems that when I feel the sensation of a panic attack, I try to tell myself that it's really not a panic attack, but somewhere in my mind...I believe that it is, and it's too late to try to calm me down. The rage that comes from me is scary. I try to calm myself down by writing or drawing, but I just get too nervous and break the pencil or whatever it is that I am drawing in the first place. I know our room mates, or even her friends don't understand, and are starting to get worried about her. I just want to say 'i'm not a bad person'.
Which, I don't think I am. I'm very giving, and have an altruistic personality to begin with. But, sometimes I just feel selfish.
Just before meeting her, I got out of a year and half long relationship, with someone that was manipulative and overly domineering. I never realized the kind of damage that she caused, until it was all on the table in front of me. She physically pushed me around, screamed in my face, manipulated me, intentionally tried to trap me, with emotional ties. That worked. But, right after I met someone so good for me. Now, every time I feel a similar feeling, it makes me panic.
She messed with my mental health a lot. She was unfaithful, and I knew that. One time, I asked her about it. She screamed at me,grabbed my arm, and pushed me. She screamed in my face 'you are just like every other person, always accusing me, because I have a guy that's a friend'. I was confused, and scared. I never have felt that sense of fear in myself, before. I think that was the starting point. Then, a month later she told me, in a very casual way. Her response "I thought you knew". Then she cried and was kicking around on the bed, saying she felt like a bad person. She also told me in the same breath that she was going to start starring in pornography. When I pleaded with her, she yelled that she didn't have money, and it would be different if I had some kind of education and could get a decent job to help her. That's when the guilt started that I wasn't better.
When ever my current girlfriend talks about no money, I panic. Then I feel worthless, and guilty that I can't help her. Even though, I am really trying. She knows that, and she doesn't even get upset with me. But, I just think that maybe somewhere deep down, she wishes I wasn't a 'loser'.
Even during sex, I panic. A truly beautiful moment, ruined. Not only for me, but her as well. She has to beat herself up, and wonder if she hurt me in some way.
I know that I have to work through this issues, and I plan to do just that. I just need some more help, other than what my doctor and therapist are offering. The therapist that gave me a mental health assessment, is less than competent. Even after hearing my symptoms, he didn't screen for bi-polar disorder, and even when I mentioned it, he told me that I don't have it. But, I feel like how he answered the question, immediately shut me off...
Questions like:
You haven't ever been up for 3 days, and felt energetic still, have you?
Of course, I said no.
Not only, because I didn't really want to look at the facts of that question, but I would have felt stupid saying yes, and judged.
I have also, had insomnia since I was 15, and been prescribed pills, to take as needed. I just take a pill if I can't sleep for more than two nights, but yes I still feel rested after it happens. It's a really long story, and I thank you all for your comments of support, and even just telling people, that understand is helping me a lot, and I feel so hopeful that I can achieve results.
