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The Pros/Cons of a Safe Person

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The Pros/Cons of a Safe Person

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1071

I think it depends a lot on the situation. I would need a safe person to fly long distance, but not to drive to the next State. I think it's up to each person to figure out what works best for them.

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 659

Having a safe person has helped me a lot. This is something I didn't always have and I am glad I have someone to lean on and talk to about things. I also feel that I am making some progress and getting better at doing things without my safe person.

I find it can be a challenge for a safe person to let go and also a challenge for me to leave the nest on your own.... I have been slowly moving in this direction.....and I am getting better at it slowly but surely....It is something I do think about...

Red

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 6252

Juanita

Good question. I would think that with Agoraphobia being a fear of not having control of the situation, then lack of confidence would be directly related. So how do you build confidence? I could quote attachment theory, but why? Simple, if you have a safe person use them. Do the exposure using your coping skills and work up to getting farther away slowly till you can do it on your own. Now some of us that did not have a safe person had to do it on our own or use medication. If you use medication, as I did you want to use less and less, which is the same as getting farther away from your safe person. A person with a really strong positive attitude could do it on there own, but few people are like that. I do know that we are stronger than we think, but negative thought weakens us. I see it here, people stronger than they thought. People with more confidence than they thought.

Teebs

I have a realistic fear of long trips because if my car breaks down out of cell phone distance I am in trouble, even a flat tire would be a major problem for some one who is not allowed to kneel.

This is different from a physically fit person who has taken all the normal precautions. Look at the situation and see if there is a reason for fear. Not all things are Agoraphobia. Some are reasonable fear.

I think you are doing great, I hope I am not confusing you.

Here for you

Davit.

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 653

Hi all,

As in much of life, the same answer may not be right for everyone. Some of you will want to take baby steps, (one day at a time), and therefore find a safe person an essential crutch to lean on for the short term. Once you build confidence in yourself, that safe person may not seem so neccessary and you will be able to wean yourself. Others will start this journey in a different mental space and have different fears. It's all so random! Such is the beauty of life!

Regardless, it sounds to me like all of you are doing really well with handing the barriers in front of you, even though they are unique to each of you. It's great that you are all willing to share your stories and unmask your fears! Thanks for that!

What challenge are you going to face (and overcome!!) tomorrow?

Tiana, Health Educator

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 538

It is all about confidence isn't it? ...and I think we get confident when we have trust in our own capabilities...when we really like ourselves.....this is my theme of the day!

So, does a lack of confidence in ones self bring on agoraphobia? Just wondering.

Teebs...you have the drive to succeed....you will! take it one step at a time..

Juanita

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 286

Tiana - Thanks for the encouragement.

Dizzy - I like the idea of listening to myself after exposure as a way of finding answers.

Juanita - It's a good warning, about not getting too dependent on someone else. I definitely have that drive - even if I enjoy something more by doing it with someone else, I want to know that I *could* do it on my own without panic if I had to. I hope that will keep me from becoming too complacent about dependence.

Davit - I do see that agoraphobia is the core problem. I guess partially I'm wondering if doing exposure with or without a safe person is more valuable to recovering from this. I feel like it is good to go out and do things with safe people to see that they're not so scary after all, but I know it's also important to feel the fear and realize nothing bad will happen. I am able to go into stores, restaurants, etc. by myself. The main issue I'm having is either with traveling greater distances from home, or having to be away from home for longer periods of time (like an 8 hour work day).

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 6252

I spent a lot of time travelling across BC from job to job. These jobs entailed spacing out trees so they grow better. There were probably a half dozen people on each job but we did not work together or travel together. We seldom saw each other because the days were usually ten hours long and seven days a week. Some times I would be fifty miles from town. One day a week would be laundry and groceries and fuel. But usually only long enough to do that and back to work. After a couple of weeks it would be on to the next job. Seldom in the same area so it would be different towns and different stores. I would do this for six months at a time, travelling by myself. (cat doesn't count) I never even camped with others. We parked our trailers on the strip we were doing. We were paid piece work so it was work and move on.

What is the point to this? I never had a safe person. Some times I would not see anyone for days travelling. Some times at night in unfamiliar territory. I never ever had panic. What I did have was confidence.

I think it boils down to agoraphobia. I did not have it then. With a safe person you might not have control of the situation but you do have control of yourself.

You might have to think on that to see it but it is there. If you can cure your agoraphobia you can cure your need of a safe person.

Having some one to do things with is a lovely thing, but you should be able to do them on your own. Maybe not travel all over the country by yourself but you should be able to enter stores by yourself.

Here for you

Davit

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 538

My safe person is my hubby...he's been through it all with me for 23 years now. He is my rock, and I can't imagine my life without him.

But, yes, there's a but..ha...when I really analyse my life, and my anxiety issues, I see that I have become too dependant on him, in some ways I have made him the more important person in our relationship...because almost everything I do, or thought revolved around him. So instead of making my own decisions, and mistakes, I clung onto him...its was easier at times. There must be some pyschological reason..I needed to be taken care of, he needs someone to take care of...etc., what I'm trying to say is ....be alert to that fact that we can get too dependant on our safe person...thereby living our lives through them, not with them.

I am becoming so much stronger, so much more independant, my hubby is loving it, Thankfully...I imagine some would have a harder time with it....We still need eachother... but its becoming more balanced. He's not a pushy person, and at times I know I need that "push"...so by him having to be gone away alot, its actually good for me, ok, maybe not the six month thing! ha..thats a long time! ...but I will be fine, and probably stronger for it.

Just my thoughts/experiences

Juanita

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 118

Hi Teebs

A couple of thoughts about a safe person, if your most fearful situation is being far away from home then this to me is a common feeling. If you think back to session four, it said that 2000 years ago when man was on the earth pretty much as we are now, that being far away from home was a danger (a biological danger). The reason is you do not know where you are and if there are predatory animals around. Therefore, the thing to do was to travel in groups or (safety person) so that there are strengths in numbers. However, know we still have the same biological make up but we are not in the danger that a person was 2000 years ago. In session, four states that we have a false alarm panic attack when we are alone and there is no good reason for it. To look at his another way say you were afraid of dogs and a big one was coming at you and you start to get anxiety. Then when the dog reaches you, he starts licking you are your hand and wagging his tale. Then instantly you are not anxious because you know what triggered your anxiety is a false alarm I.E. the dog was no danger. In this case, you have something to immediately identify as the alarm and then indentify it as a false alarm. However, what is it that being far away from home that gives you the false alarm reaction. One thing I know is that the false alarm cannot be reduce to a verifiable event such as in the dog situation where you are able to instantly get rid of your anxiety. Perhaps having the safety person there when you are in a stressful situation is your way of identifying that the dog is safe because he did not attack you. Therefore, as you said your safety person gives you the ability, to not feel alone that if something happens to you will be taken care of. These two statements are possibly, where your false alarms come from.

* I don't feel alone

* I feel like if something bad happens they will help me take care of it

* I don't have to hide my anxiety from them

In me, I always listen to myself after being exposed to a situation to see what I say about it. This is where I find the answers to the question of where do my false alarms come? In me, it was avoidance of any sensation of fear and now I am practicing mindfulness to expose myself rather than avoid the sensation. I think the third thought of yours is a healthy thought if you were like me and taught never to show fear and that showing it is a weakness. However, you also have to watch what you say to the other person as there may lay more clues to your false alarm. For example, I could say that I am experiencing dizziness right now and it is because I am thinking “whatever”, this is an objective observation. If you say to the person that I feel dizzy right now and I think I am going to faint (false thought) I have never felt this bad before (likely a false thought) then you see the emotion subjective way you are communicating you emotions. Please do not infer from this that subjective communication is bad because I have used it and after subjectively complaining, I realized the emotion word (false thoughts) that I was having. Also once in a while you just want someone to hear how much your suffering a cathartic outburst just get it off your chest so that you can reframe your mind to be aware of the false alarm. Remember that that person is unlikely to understand how much your suffering or even why as I have the same affliction but can never truly know your pain.

Dizzy

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 653

Great insight, Teebs! I think you are on the right track and sharing your awareness might be helpful to others.

Other members share this feeling, or have other ideas about 'safe people'?

Tiana, Health Educator

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The Pros/Cons of a Safe Person