Yesterday was my big 5 hour drive by myself that I had been worrying about for weeks. It's a drive I have done many times in the past to visit family, but I hadn't done it by myself in a while, and not since my bad anxiety flare ups in the last year.
I had practiced a lot of positive self-talk in the week working up to the drive, telling myself I could do it and that even if I panicked I could just pull over and get through it and it would be okay. Well, as the moment drew closer, I started really doubting myself!
Since I live on an island the drive started with a ferry ride, and let me tell you, I seriously considered not getting on that ferry. Even after I got on the ferry I thought of as many possible escape routes as I could: maybe I could just get on the next ferry and go back home, maybe I could beg my boyfriend to come over and do the drive with me, etc.
During the hour ferry ride is when I was the most worked up. I did take a Xanax at that point, because otherwise I think I may have gone right back home! I really don't like taking drugs but I will do it if the anxiety gets bad enough or if there's some situation I really need to get through. One thing that was interesting for me was that I was crying during almost the entire ferry ride. I'm not often very emotional - part of my problem is I bottle up my emotions and then when they boil over they come out as panic attacks. So though I felt anxious it wasn't one of the worse panic attacks I've had....instead there were a lot of tears, which I think was a good thing, because it was letting out how frustrated and tired I was of feeling that way and dealing with all this.
Cleo, I have to say I kept the image in my head of you at the end of that pier as part of my inspiration!
Once the ferry ride was over I had calmed down quite a bit. I was able to do the drive without another panic attack, though occasionally I felt some more "waves" of anxiety.
The other tough thing was today I had a wedding to go to (part of the reason for my visit, to go to my friend's wedding), and then an evening social situation with old friends. I really wanted to do both these things but they were still challenges, and especially doing them right after a hard day yesterday. I took another Xanax because I really wanted to enjoy the wedding, but got through the evening social event without one.
It's still really easy for me not to celebrate these victories, because these are things I used to do no problem and I feel like I "should" be able to do them now. But, I'm working on being prouder of myself and kinder to myself, because this was a really big step for me at this point, and I did it!!
:D Hooray for Teebs - that's a cheer for you!
