Hi Teebs,

 

I am glad that you felt relief for a couple of days from having made your decision about work. It sounds like you have started taking the necessary steps with your exposure work and making progress. The thing with exposure work is that it can take time to see the progress. It is important for you to keep at your exposure work. Session 4 of the program is all about exposure work. Work through it, take your time and make sure everything sinks in. This will help you make an effective exposure plan and eventually see the progress. 

 

Members, what tips do you have for exposure work? How did the exposure session of the program help you? How did you approach it?

 

 

I felt the relief for a couple of days from having made a decision about work, but today was one of the few shifts I had to work. I went into it with a lot of positive thinking the night before and this morning, but as the start of my shift approached I started getting more and more anxious and felt myself "derailing" pretty quickly.

 

I haven't really said what I do, but I work on a tour boat - tough in two ways because I'm always in the public eye and because I feel trapped on the boat. I've been taking Xanax to get through my shifts, which I hate, because though I use it sparingly and under the guidance of my doctor and counselor, I just hate using drugs to deal with anxiety. At the last minute I had to have my "safe person" - my boyfriend - accompany me on the trip. Even though I started feeling better after I got into the shift it still felt like a failure to me because I had to use so many crutches.

 

Ugh, when will there be real progress??

I am so happy for you. I was pretty sure you would find the inner strength to make the right decision. Agoraphobia is about having an out, having control of the situation. Being comfortable in what you are doing so you don't have to run. We don't often get a say in our lives and this can build pressure. Finding ways to cope with the pressure is the key and you have found the key to this one. Good for you. I am happy you didn't have to quit but would have understood totally if you did. Don't give up on the photography, with your ability to find solutions you will make a good photographer. And it builds patience real well.

Here for you always.

Davit.

Thanks for the great advice Davit.

 

I thought I would post another update. I was *very* close to giving my two weeks notice but didn't feel quite right about it. Instead I had another very honest talk with my boss, who up to this point was not very understanding. I keep things together pretty well at work, even if I'm having a bad anxiety day I tend to hide it, so I don't think anyone really realized how tough of a situation I was in or what I was going through. I told him what it had been like at home before work over the last couple of weeks and I think he finally realized what I've been dealing with.

 

Instead of quitting I have been taken off the regular schedule at work except for one shift a week. If I feel up to working I can call in and one of the people picking up the extra shifts can get an extra half day off. This takes so much of the pressure off because I was in total survival mode, always worrying about how I was going to make it through the next shift. Now I can still tackle it, but on my own terms. This is a busy time of year for us, but after a year or more of frustration I'm impressed that suddenly they are being so accommodating. It's always hard to for me to talk about my anxiety, but in this case it has finally paid off.

 

 This job goes through October (it's seasonal) so I'm hoping I can take a few extra days off to regroup and then work at getting back in the swing of things. I want to feel like I end the season in a good place, and then I can decide whether or not to return next year (probably not - but at least I will be ending on my own terms).

 

I am young, and I do want to work through this so I don't lead the rest of my life as fearful as I have been lately! Working through feeling and expressing emotions I think will be a big part of my work. I know I'm still bottling up the frustration/sadness of having this set back and having to cut back from work. I haven't been able to let those feelings out yet - instead I just feel immense relief at having taken some of the immediate pressure off.

Photography. Now there is a good career. I love photography, I had a dark room in the old days before digital. The concentration and distraction would be very good for you. I'm going to stick my neck out here because I strongly believe people should do what makes them happy as long as it doesn't hurt anyone. I presume you are still young. So if you can afford to or if you have the support to then quit the job and pursue the photography and concentrate on this program. You will be able to make up the difference later if you can be panic free. A lot of us talk about what we could have been if not for a life of panic. I can feel the axe coming, CHOP. my head is on the floor. OK it is your decision.

I have recently been told that I am passive aggressive. I said bull, I just don't like to argue. My therapist explained by not arguing or at the least putting forward my point of view I was bottling things up till I either exploded out of control or had a major panic attack trying to deal with it. This is a case of two emotions happening at once, and if you add sad also it gets even worse. One emotion at a time. If you have something to be mad about then be mad and let it go. If you are sad be sad, figure out why and let it go. If some one is doing something to annoy you, tell them politely and let it go. Always revert back to the emotion HAPPY. You can not be happy and carry any other emotions, other than maybe sad. (weddings and such) But you can carry a lot of negative emotions at the same time. Sad, angry, worry, fear, the list goes on. All these emotions at the same time cause confusion and lead to panic or if not, at the least to depression. Deal with them one at a time and let them go. Always focusing on the emotion happy. Sad days are Ok, we all have them and they usually go either of two ways. They can turn into anger or happy. Being 100% positive will make you boring in a crowd, the trick is to be able to let go of the negative when it is no longer necessary. You want to be you, as much as possible without letting it turn into anxiety. Love yourself for you and be happy as much as possible. There are a lot of emotions, I have a chart from the internet and it surprised me how many there are. If you can find it it is worth looking into.  Basically this whole program is about turning negative into positive, or more appropriately burying the negative since once something is in your memory it can never be removed. But there are so many sub routes that I refer to this as the hardest simple thing you will do. But it can be done. I am living proof.

I hope this helped. If you don't understand any thing please ask. If I missed something,ask.

Here for you.

Davit.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts Davit. Filling the time has never been an issue for me - I really want to pursue my career as a photographer more but haven't had the time to put into it yet. I have a long list of things I would do if I left this job! I do get restless if I don't feel productive, but that just motivates me to action. I always push myself, at times too hard. Then I just get confused - should I push myself until I can handle this job without so much anxiety? Am I pushing myself too hard to be in a situation that's not working for me, and that's why I'm anxious?

 

It's interesting that you mention emotions and maybe carrying too many at once. I have reached this conclusion with the help of my counselor, that my anxiety tends to spill over when I'm not experiencing my emotions fully, instead bottling them up until they come out as a panic attack. I don't really know how to let out anger, for instance! When I try to feel my emotions more it is definitely overwhelming and sometimes I can tell I'm going back to old habits, trying to suppress things which just results in more problems later. Do you have any recommendations of particular articles?

Before you decide to give up your job, ask yourself what you will do with the time? Will your friends be working? It may be different than just a weekend. It may make you worse unless you have some creative way to fill the time. When I retired, I was lost. No more routine. My friends were working. Too much time on my hands. I missed work. I didn't like the job but it was an anchor to the world. Now I had to retire because of disability so I couldn't just find another job or volunteer. You could do either, but that alone will not deal with your anxiety. I do not blame you for fearing another panic attack. They are really terrible and I had some bad ones. I don't any more, I get close sometimes but never a full blown one. You see over time I have built so much positive attitude that when I start to think negative I just automatically think something positive. It took time and did sneak up on me. It started by once waking up in the night with a panic attack and saying just go away I'm tired of this. Avery positive thought. And it did go away. Now this didn't work every time but enough that the positive thoughts were starting to build. I had to force myself to find something good in every situation. This is really hard to do. We are hard wired to think negative for some reason. Some people deal with it by passing it on. EG. When you talk with your friends do you talk about tragedies or how nice the day is. Think about it. Do you leave happy and bubbly or sad and down. Obviously work makes you negative and it will be hard to find something positive about it, but you can. Think about what you will do with the money. You can find something good if you try hard enough. Look around on the way to work and find something pleasant to take with you. Over time it will become natural and Happy will move in without you noticing and the fear of fear will fade away. In fact you will probably not even know when it went, it will just be gone. This really does happen and it surprised the hell out of me when I noticed it. It is gone and life is good. Do I worry it will come back? Yes a bit but the thought just fades away. I get a bit anxious when I have to do something new but this is normal, I just don't build it into panic any more. I just accept it and ride it out.

Hang in there and think positive, it really does work. Look at core beliefs, you may have some strong beliefs built in that you have to change. Some you may not even realize are there. Your parent can help with this, They may know something that happened a long time ago that set you on this road.

Here for you.

Davit.

Ps Check articles on emotions. You may be trying to carry too many at the same time. This sort of confusion builds panic real fast.

Thanks for the responses Ashley and Davit.

 

I do understand anxiety and know that it won't hurt me, both from working through parts of the program here and from therapy and other ways of trying to deal with my anxiety over the years. As we all know, that doesn't necessarily make it any less pleasant to deal with! My anticipatory anxiety isn't about dying or having a heart attack or anything - just fear of fear, and not wanting to experience another panic attack.

 

I'm still not sure what to do about work. I've talked about leaving this job for the last two years due to other reasons and now that I'm struggling every single day with anxiety I'm so tempted to finally walk away, but haven't yet. I don't want to "give in" to my anxiety and reinforce the fear, but on the other hand I think I rushed into too much with the world load I've had this summer and it would feel like such a relief to just focus on getting better and not just surviving from shift to shift.

 

It's especially tough right now because my counselor is unavailable for a couple of weeks and my acupuncturist is on vacation - two people who I get a lot of support from. With little sympathy or understanding from my employers it's been very difficult because often during bad bouts of anxiety I feel totally abandoned and alone. Thankfully my parents and boyfriend have been very caring as they always are, but they don't have the expertise to help give me the direction I feel like I need right now!

 

Over the last two days I've had a stomach ache, and I don't know if it's a stomach bug or just another manifestation of my anxiety. I want to call in sick to work today, but I don't even want to let myself do that in case it's reinforcing the fear! This morning I went out early to meet some friends and had to come home before too long due to not feeling well, and I even get frustrated with myself for that.

 

 Thanks for letting me vent here....

 

I've been in this boat, and I have observed others in it to. The fact that you have not quit tells me that you don't like to give in. I think this is what your councillor means by being kinder to yourself. If you look around at the people that survive lousy jobs you will notice that they put themselves first. You may not like this type of person but they go home with no stress. Ignore your bosses pressure, and there misunderstanding. Treat this like exposure. Smile a lot and work at your pace not theirs, what can they do, fire you. I bet you have never been fired and are proud of it. (I am). So if the thought of quitting, (so you can say you have never been fired) has entered your mind then it shouldn't matter if you are fired or laid off. Be kind to yourself, don't let them push you into more than you are capable of or the job calls for. If you are as good as I think you probably are they will give you leeway, to keep you. Good workers are hard to come by. Look for something good in the job and concentrate on it and use the rest as exposure if you can't ignore it. Like I said, I have been there. I have been used to take up the slack, just because I could. It is unfair but you have to remember that the dollar is the bottom line with the bosses. Your bottom line is being happy and doing a job to the best of your ability for your peace of mind. Find some thing to distract you, smile a lot and remember they need you more than you need them. And be kind to yourself. After you they come first. I think you can do this, I did. It took me a while to learn but I did. I was so proud of the fact that I could outwork those younger than me, and what for, they just let me.

Teebs come here often and let it out. You are on the road to passive aggressive and you want to nip it in the bud. People like you and me let the pressure build (passive) till we can't stand it any more and finally we let go.(aggressive)

Usually the only one that gets hurt is our selves. Let the anger and annoyance out here. We are your friends and will listen with out being too critical. You are not alone in what you are going through. You don't have to do it alone even if you want to.

Ashley is right, try to work the program, Anxiety can be very hard to understand. You have to look the things that are causing anxiety in the face and deal with them because ignoring them gives them power, but you don't want to dwell on them so much that you give them power also. Hope that is not confusing. The program works. Relaxation and coping skills are very important to being able to do exposure.

By the way I also have the post nasal drip that causes a gagging choking feeling. It is very annoying and causes me loss of sleep, and I have no answer for it but I think it is a product of anxiety, not the other way round. 

Here for you.

Davit.

PS posting this before I lose it, ignore any mistakes.

Hi Teebs,

 

This is an important question and I can see how your choice may get confused due to the anxiety.  Ask yourself this, do you want to leave the job due to the anxiety or due to not liking it?  If it is due to the anxiety is this something that can be controlled?  Is the work load so demanding that the anxiety is being caused or is it something that you yourself can learn to manage? Although you need to decide what is best for yourself, avoiding things that cause anxiety may not be a good idea as this may reinforce the fear.  Working through the Panic Program will help you address your anxiety.  Even just a few sessions have been proven to help people. 

 

The first sessions you should look at is Session One and the Auxillary session on Worry.  Session one will give you a basic understanding of anxiety which is important for you to know.  The session on Worry will help you to relax on your off days. 

 

What do you think is the right thing to do and what makes you think this?