Hi all, I've just discovered this site and forum, and have spent the last couple of days perusing some of the threads. I am relatively new to the whole panic/anxiety thing (I have not yet seen a dr. or been diagnosed), but I've only just realized that my feelings are not going to go away by themselves. I am sure this is going to get very long, but I would like to tell my story.
My first serious panic attack ever happened just over two months ago, and although I felt tinges of anxiety since then I'd only had one other serious one... until three nights ago. Like with the first one, I thought I was about to die, felt like I could imagine what the moment of death really felt like, nauseous and dizzy and feeling like my life was entirely illusion. My husband of over 8 years, who is no stranger to panic attacks (he has long since learned how to deal with them on his own, from adolescence, and can now cope brilliantly), was and is instrumental in making me feel sane and grounded. Since my big freakout a few nights ago, I have spent the last few days in a dissociated state. I have occasions here and there where I feel "clear" and normal for some minutes at a time, and last night I even felt ok for a couple of hours. But the blurry feeling is nearly constant and I feel nauseous and starving at the same time. I am unable to eat more than a couple of bites of anything (it took me three hours to finish a slice of toast yesterday morning), and I'm sure my lack of nutrition isn't helping any.
I do think I understand the source of my problem. The first attack a couple of months ago was preceded by a visit to my mother in the hospital. She was diagnosed with late-stage ovarian cancer about two and a half years ago, and all of a sudden the reality of death (not just hers, but my own) seemed to wash over me. I must make clear that I am not a religious or spiritual person, and I have a hard time coping with the thought that my consciousness, my being, will end. Although this strong panic reaction is relatively new to me, I remember as a child (age 5 or 6?) feeling worried about death and of course my parents helped to reassure me that death was a natural process that happened to everybody and that it was nothing to be afraid of and that I wouldn't feel anything. But then as I wondered at the concept of nothingness, my mother suggested that it was probably a lot like before I was born (i.e., I didn't feel anything then either, as I didn't exist yet). An interesting notion, as I reflect on it now, but it does not help control the fear.
So fear of death, my own mortality, is my biggest problem. I question whether my life is even real, and if it is I worry about our collective insignificance as life forms in this immense universe. I feel calm while writing this, but lately I find it difficult to read about or watch tv about anything relating to human evolution or the environmental fate of our planet or such things. For a little while I was able to watch only game shows, as they were trivial and didn't hint at any "grand" ideas, but then the triviality of it started to scare me. That is, how can somebody care so much about winning a vacation or picking the perfect outfit to wear on tv when it all really doesn't matter in the long run, and does anything really matter?
This weekend has gone all right with my husband home from work to help me take care of basic household stuff and look after our two sons (ages 4 and 2). But when I consider potentially driving my older son to preschool tomorrow (Monday) I have no confidence that I will be able to do it. We went out for dinner last night as I was unable to cook, and I had a couple of mild attacks in the car and at the restaurant. I have never been claustrophobic but that is what it felt like. I am terrified of both being alone and darkness right now. I have had to make my husband sleep out on the couch with me with the lights and tv on, although last night I was able to sleep in bed with a small night light. I don't know what I am going to do tomorrow when I will have the kids and the house to myself all day. I've considered something like Bach's Rescue Remedy or some similar herbal things just to take the edge off until I can learn some real coping techniques. Anyone had success with such things?
I have not yet started the 12-week program on this site, as I keep thinking that I should just go see a doctor, but as it is Sunday there is nothing I can do about that until tomorrow anyway. I absolutely do not want to go on drug therapy, although I am desperate for an immediate fix (as I'm sure everyone is). I've tried deep breathing, changing my visual focus, going outside for fresh air, and although these things can help me ride out a panic attack, they do not prevent one. Counting helped briefly, up to 100 and back down, until I started to contemplate numerical infinity, and then I started to panic again. Also, I cannot shake the dissociative state. I feel that if I could stop that feeling of distance from my own life, then the panic would not happen. I wake up in the mornings now and feel blurry/cloudy and wonder how can I feel that way already and my day hasn't even started yet? Has anyone else been able to break out of the dissociated state somehow and has it helped to avoid having a PA altogether? Last night cuddling in bed with my boys and doing storytime before their bedtime really helped me feel good; that's where I was feeling well for a couple of hours. But I need to be able to recreate that feeling on my own, anytime, while running errands or just being at home without another adult around.
Do you all feel that this program would be a good fit for me, or would you recommend some kind of medical intervention? I've been reading a lot about CBT, but wonder if I should also have a physical and get some blood tests or something done just to rule out any physiological reasons for this happening. I don't have a regular doctor aside from my ob/gyn, so I'm at a loss as to what kind of doctor I should even try looking for to begin with. I don't want someone telling me it's just stress over my mom's illness and that I'll get over it and send me on my way. I also don't want someone training to become desensitized to the feeling. I want the feeling to stop.
Ok I guess that's it for now, I'm sorry this was so long but you all seem like such kind people from what I've been reading here that I'm sure you'll understand.
Thanks,
Marisa
I would dearly like to believe in some greater power that is looking over my shoulder but I just can't. I have my reasons. I do know that many people derive great peace and self-confidence by having a spiritual life but I also believe that happiness is possible without it. Some view the idea of death as total liberation because if you do not exist you cannot suffer. While it may seem terrifying to relinquish your consciousness you will not be aware of it- which in itself is blissful. I myself do not feel very confident about death and I had a similar experience as you when my mother developed heart failure. After that I began to worry about my own cardiac health because I have had hypertension for many years. 
