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No need to read, just doing some major venting...

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No need to read, just doing some major venting...

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 101

Diva-

I must say that I think I speak for all of us when I say it is your honesty that we all appreciate! I know for myself it was excruciating for me to come to this site after I've struggled with anxiety off and on for 15 years. I had to be honest with myself and really no one else cause no one else knew. I had been hiding it, running from it, denying it and avoiding it. Now here I am and trying to face it. I have to say I also cherish all of you here and what an encouragement you are to me. Your long posts really aren't a bother, they give me comfort that there are others who really understand!!!!

Birdie

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 2101

Hi birdie,

Thank you so much for the beautiful, poetic, positive reply. It means a lot to me. And you are right, I am very hard on myself. I keep telling others to be kind with themselves and then I turn around and beat myself over the head for what I consider a weakness.Not very nice of me. If I treated my firends like I treat myself I would be one friendless lady. So thanks for reminding me that I need kindness too.

As for the doctor, I have an appointment...It is in SEPTEMBER!!! There are major doctor shortages in the region as such doctors schedules are nuts. This is the first free appointment they had! So I am going to have to go see her at the emergency clinic! That means geting there at 7h30 am to make sure I have a spot when the clinic opens at 9h00 and then waiting pretty much all day in a crowded suffocating room until it is my turn. Note to self bring an Ipod and some good reading...Bleh...Anyway, it needs doing so I will...

Oh and what you said about the mountain, thank you for that. I tend to look up, see what is ahead and since I am so exhausted, I find it hugely depressin and discrouraging. Thank you for reminding me about just taking it one step at a time. I needed that.

Again, sincerely thank you.

Hello Breanne,

Thank you for your reply, i really appreciate it. Yea I am trying to take the right steps. It is difficult for me though because taking the right steps means admitting my biggest fear has come to pass. I find that terribly anxiety inducing. Miki spoke of the depression Center but I have yet to go look. As irrationnal as it is, just the idea of going on there sends me into major anxious states. It is hard for me to admit and accept what is happening. All that makes it hard for me to take care of myself. But I am slowly coming around toadmiting and accepting. Everybody's support has been so helpful for that.

Up tonow today I am slightly anxious, pretty moody and sad but better then yesterday, a bit less tired for now. Plus I started speaking to my mom and my hubby and letting them know what isup with me as best as I could admit to it. Somehow talking to them made me feel more anxious but I know it was a positive step and they were very understanding and encouraging.

Thank you again for your reply.

Hello Dazedmommy,

Thanks for yet another very supportive message. You are so kind to read all this rambling of mine since the start lol. Thank you for sharing with me and letting me know you undertand my fears. I must admit it makes me feel understood and a lot less silly for it. And yes, aren'T we all prone to wishful thinking?

I am finding it hard to accept what is going on and admit it and motivate myself to fix things. I must admit tho that all the posts and the support go a long way in helping me deal with this. They make me cry but in a good way. IT is good not to be alone.

Isn't it weird how easy it is to forget all our strengths and our tools when we are in a bad way? So thanks for reminding me and thanks for reminding me that life is full of cycles and we all get through them.

As for my posts I am glad they brought you reassurance like your are doing for me. And thanks for the ear, right back at you :)

-Diva

Hello Cornish-Dee,

Big hug to you too and thanks for thinking of me :) I find it incredibly touching to be getting so many great replies from all of you. And tha so many of you thought of me and are so kind and understanding to me. Thank you so much for your lovely and caring reply dee, it means a lot.

Yes, the chat with the hubby was a good start I beleive. And yes, marriage is hard. It is good to know I am not the only one who thinks it is hard work.

Thanks for letting me know about your struggles with depression. Having people to share things with who understand makes this much easier to deal with and accept. And I may not prefer depression to anxiety (I am terrified of any form of depression) but I get what you are saying. I have gotten over this before and I will again. Thank you for your kind, reassurance.

And yes, I did have an incredible year. And I have been daling with a lot. And hey I am still prod of my successes. I just wish I wasn'T so sad and tired now lol. But hey might as well accept what is and do the things that will help me get better right?

Thank you for the kind words and saying I am a mentor. I don't know how accurate that is but if I have helped others then that makes me incredibly proud and happy with myself.

Thank you for being so caring and for giving me the right to vent away. I always fel guilty writting long replies. And yet I am so good at it hahahahaha!

Thank you sincerely.

-Diva

Well ok here goes my daily venting. Sorry for all the long personnalized replies. Your posts were so wonderful and supportive I just couldn't get myself to answer them in one lump answer. And as you may all have noticed by now I am very verbal.

Today, I had to talk to my boss and let her know what was going on with me so I coud have a bit more wiggle room to rest and take care of myself. I just did talk to here and I am still shaking. Now that was hard. She is a great lady and researcher and I want to impress her since I want to build my carreer with her in her field. And here I am having to admit to her that I am definetely off my game and having to care for myself and work very little for a while. She was extremely nice about it.Said she knew me and that she knew I would bounce back and that she knows the quality of my work. And yes I am still shaking from it. I feel sad too. I feel like I am but a shadow of myself. And that scares the h*** out of me! On top of it I keep being afraid that people will judge me and find me wanting...

Anyway, feeling tired from all the typing lol! Will go reat and give you guys a chance to come up for air. If any of you managed to get through this post. Thanks for reading on I owe you BIG!!!!

Much gratitude to you all,

-Diva

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 778

Diva the biggest cyber hug ever goes to you !! I also have been thinking of you as i have missed your posts . I am pleased you have had a good chat with your hubby , that at least is a result . Like Dazed i have been married 19years and whoooo there haxs been some trying times . But since getting anxiety i have never been so close ! Aint perfect but will settle for it lol .

Depression sucks , have big bouts of it every so often have done since i was a teenager way before the axiety . Each time it comes i tell myself youv'e done it before woman now come on !!! ( well after i finally accept that its back ) . Its not easy at all but me personally prefer it to anxiety .

Youv'e had such an incredible year and one full of allsorts its such a shame you have to deal with this obstacle as well . You have been a great mentor and caring person here let us be your support please ! Just vent vent vent ok , better out than in . I did that for too many years , its not healthy .

Goodluck with your doctors appointment , am routing for you along with a fair few here no doubt .

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx DEE

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 313

Diva .. and Birdie..

Birdie.. you always say such "lovely" things that make me smile...and you always refer to nature which I love as I relate to that a lot. When I felt my worst the outdoors played a huge part in feeling better... The things in life that are pure and simple.

Diva...

I just wanted to say that the terror part I completely understand. That is what I felt when my OCD / Panic came back this year after being gone for so VERY long... and like you I was in denial.. I plugged along ignoring all my signs in hopes that it would just go away.. lol.... wishful thinking.

I had to dig deep this time to motivate myself to take charge.. bite the bullet.. up my medication.. etc. All the things I had promised myself I would do during my recovery process but found that when it happened again I almost "froze" in a way.. forgetting all that I had learned.. and only focusing on my fear of it all.... With a bit of digging and a whole lot of support found here by reading others stories and advice I found it to get the hell out of that cycle.. lol.. I'm much better now but learned that this is something that will flow and ebb like the tide... depending on my age.. hormones.. babies etc. and I need to be prepared.

You're posts were always positive..they still are even during your "ick" time... and they brought me a lot of reassurance and peace when I felt anything but....

Anytime you need an ear...

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1693

Diva,

It sounds like you are going through a lot right now. However, it also sounds like you are taking the necessary steps in order to get through this tough time. I think it is a good idea that you go see your family doctor. I also think that it is important for you, like you said, to be able to admit to yourself that there is something wrong, even if it may be depression, as recognizing that there is a problem is the first step to being able to solve that problem.

You have so much support and encouragement from all of us, so please keep us posted on how you are doing.

How has your day been so far today? How are you feeling?

Breanne, Bilingual Health Educator

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 101

Hi! Diva,

These responses are so kind!!! I'm sure you are reassured by these ladies! My thoughts to you is be kind to yourself! You are

always so kind and lovely here that you deserve that same kindness to yourself. I read once that we should treat ourselves as

we would a kitten. We would talk kindly and care for it tenderly and sometimes we forget that each of us should treat ourselves kindly. Your responses are so positive! I'm sure you do have it in you to face this. You are already moving in the

right direction by reaching out. You said you are gonna see your doctor which is another positive step. Take it one day at a time

if we look up at the mountain it may seem impossible to climb but if we just keep it simple and take one step at a time, soon

we'll be looking back and saying I made it! I hope you can find joy in today!

Sincerely,

Birdie

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 2101

Hello Dazedmommy,

Thank you for your kind reply. Thanks for the hugs :)

Yeah, I guess you are right and I know that this is a dpresion of some sort. I guess it just scares me so much I don'T want to admit it, not even to myself. Just thinking depression might be back sends me into a tailspin of anxiety. It feels like my worse fear has come to pass and I am terrified. I feel equipped to deal with my generalized anxiety and my panic and agoraphobia but when facing depression, burn-out, fatigue or whatever this is I feel really ill equipped...

But you are right (and thanks for reminding me of this): I am strong, smart and courageous. I have come out of this before and I will do it again. And you are right. I should and will mobilize as many of my outward ressources as I can. It really is the best plan. Thanks for giving me perspective and helping me realize that I can deal with this and this is aphase and that if I take care of this it will go away. I guess the problem with me not accepting what is going on with me prevents me from taking the necessary steps for dealing with it. This anxiety thing makes the depression thing more complicated and vice versa it seems lol.

Thank you also for reminding me that this is not my fault. That i did not bring this upon myself. I keep feeling guilty and lazy and lame. But that is not helping now is it. And thanks for sharing about your OCD and how in life there are phases that is too true, I just seem to forget it...

And yeah, what is oing on in mylife is exhausting. Anyway, all this rambling just to say I am touched by all the support and I appreciate the replies.

-Diva

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 313

Hi Diva

First off, big hugs to you... Sounds like it's not so great right now and that's ok. I believe you already know that you're battling depression ~ unfortunately it seems to ride in waves.. somtimes the periods in between are shorter ..sometimes longer. You have had an eventful year and sometimes our bodies just need to "shut down" for a bit.. telling us that it's too much. You had so many successes (school and accomplishing set goals) this year but you've also been dealing with some major issues at home. That takes it toll... it's emotional and exhausting. Marriages are work! lol.. I definately know this. Our marriage is amazing but we have definately had our times... We've been together 19 years and some of those years were quite difficult. We were fortunate to have made it through..

I personally don't battle the depression (thankfully) but my anxiety and OCD seem to ride the same "waves" and it's so frustrating to have a setback. And that is all this is Diva... You've been down this road before and you have the tools to get out.. You're STRONG, SMART, and COURAGEOUS!! You may have to reach outside of yourself though, depression is not often a battle that can be fought alone. Sometimes we need a little guidance .. and the earlier the better. Otherwise things can spiral faster than anticipated... I find that with my setbacks...

Please keep us updated and your days will be better Diva.. It may be a bit of a climb but nothing you haven't succeeded at before. Unfortunately for us women - our hormones dictate so much of these swings.. and it's nothing to do with you and anything you've done. It's just crazy mother nature doing it's thing. Be patient with yourself and kind in your thoughts..

Take care Diva

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 2101

Hello Miki!

Thank you so much for your swift reply! And thanks for sharing your experience with me. Some of the things you said reminded me so much of myself. Like when you spoke of it being against your inner rules or the fact you feel guilty. It was like eading my own thoughts. Thanks so much for sharing with me, it made me feel very much understood and less alone.

I am sorry to hear tho that you have been dealing with this also as I know by personnal experience that it is no fun. I guess we will just both have to hang in there till we feel better.

Thank you for reassuring me about days of ease being ahead, I have been so sad and tired it just feels like this will never end, Like I will be sad and exhausted forever.

You mentionned the depression center. How are the sessions? Do you recomend them?

Anyway, thank you so much for your reply. Depression being my greatest fear, this raises much anxiety for me but feeling understood, supported, like somebody out there gets it helps a lot. I am very grateful.

-Diva

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 477

Hi Diva! I was getting worried about you since you seemed to be not posting for awhile. I have been in that depression phase on and off recentlytoo. I know what I am thinking but often times it is difficult to let others know. My mom tells me not to worry and tells me to tell her my feelings but I feel so guilty and stupid for expressing my creator that I am not happy... in my 'rule' book.. that is just not acceptable. I've always lived my life doing the things I wanted to do because that would make me happy and that would make my parents happy. But now I am uncontrollably sad and the worse part is that I feel like my mom is the only person I can talk to about this.. and it gives me guilt. I do somewhat tell my husband but I feel bad because I don't want to bring him down because I am down too. Today is actually my better day, though. I had a rough weekend... blue, sad, and crying for everything. But suddenly, I feel high today. It is really confusing why it is unstable. I wish I can stay like this forever (I am still anxious, but it's better to be anxious than depressed.) So, what I can tell you is that suddenly there will be days of ease... and I have been helped by the other site's, depressioncenter.net, sessions. Just keep writing too and don't rush things... take your time.

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