What great, insightful comments. I'm glad the topic of moderation has come up in this context because it's something I'm been giving a lot of thought to myself. I've been AF for over a year and I can tell you I feel very relaxed in saying the AV isn't driving my decisioning or trying to lead me down a path to drink anymore. When I consider drinking it's me considering it, not a subversive alter ego trying to rear it's ugly head. Just for the record, there are a few on here who feel to that to even consider thinking about this is completely insane and merits throwing ourselves on our knees and pray to whatever higher power they perceive to rid them of this thinking. And if that is what floats their boat then all the power to them. That being said, let's be realistic and honest because time has a way of dulling our memories so we suppress the bad stuff and remember the good stuff. As we have all seen and experienced, recovering from an alcohol abuse problem is very difficult. We began using alcohol in a very naive and innocent way and, unbeknownst to us, we unconsciously made the connection that we can find relief from these underlying problems by drinking.Unconsciously is the key word here because, once practiced enough these coping strategies became habits and the unconscious is the realm of where habits exist. The history of our drinking is like watching a car from very high above, speeding along as it heads toward a cliff. The driver is unaware of the consequences that lay ahead and doesn't come know his fate until they have already driven off the cliff. In that sense the habits are now in place, we're living the consequences, and we've given birth to that annoying voice. Changing and re-developing these habits takes huge effort and can be quite scary because we've come to rely on this "friend". So let's fast forward a year to when we have been alcohol free and we're confident in our control and consider the idea of having a glass of wine. For myself, I know I am quite happy and relaxed in my ability to make choices not to drink. It simply doesn't bother me anymore but that took a huge, constant effort to get here and a lot of self-exploration to address the real problems that drove the drinking and I still don't have resolution all of them. But here's the catch about drinking again with the history I personally have had. I developed drinking habits based on problems (fear, anxiety, etc). Those habits exist on a level that are activated by alcohol, which high jacks parts of the brain with all sorts of biochemical responses. So if I were to drink again I see myself having to go through a second round of huge effort, very likely requiring more energy and planning than quitting. I would need to develop new habits where I only have one glass of wine etc and that may very well work. I know people who have moved to moderation after severe drinking problems and I know others where, as soon as these habits are activated by these biochemical reactions in the brain, all bets are off and they flip the switch. These are also the people that never took the time and made the effort to deal with and resolve the original slew of problems that were the engine the drove the drinking. If the original catalysts are not dealt with and resolved history shows us drinking again  drinking will lead to the same painful outcome, except the misery is magnified and the problem in exponentially worse than before. If your drinking was driven by a problem such as depression where you care coping with low serotonin levels, for example, then how do we cope with those habits activated by alcohol? Consuming alcohol simply may not be an option for some and for others, may require massive efforts to re-introduce into their lives. Only we can decide for ourselves. 

All the best

Dave

Hi Barb and TS...We recently i did have a few drinks at a party as I wrote about (did it this past Saturday). 

SO---I've been thinking alot about public event drinking vs closet drinking and where that line starts or that habit kicks back in.   For one thing--this past 2 days I was on vacation with my extended family and they were drinking at dinner and my husband and I didn't because our kids were with us and because I'm trying to cut alcohol out of my life.  However---it's hard. 

 

So, on the drive home i pondered the exact question....what is once in a while? When is it ok to have a drink at this point in my life?  Dinner out with just my husband? I think no.  At a wedding or party with lot's of people and very public setting? Maybe one or two? When my kids are with me? Nope not gonna make them worry.

I think for me moderation sailed a long time ago---and at the party over the weekend that I was talking about, i had to watch myself constantly and that does distract from the event. So, then you have to say..."is it worth it?" Again...probably not.  But sometimes we do have to try and see....Or try to be as we once were before alcohol started driving the bus.

 

Wine is my downfall. It kicks my butt if I give it the opportunity.  Red is a violent hangover in the making if you ask me.  The hard stuff in mixed drinks, in a public setting, i can stop....at home i will drink the entire bottle of any of it and look for more.  So for me---drinking at home is a strong never can do it again. We don't keep it at home and i don't walk by it at the store for now. When we used to go out and then came home...I was never done until i passed out.   So, again home for me has to be an alcohol free zone. 

 

But, Barb....I think you know yourself and your limitations. Maybe you can practice moderation? I think sometimes it's a willpower thing to a certain point----then it's not because the little tiny AV starts running the show. When that guy takes over it's over.  TS is right....the sun still rises the next day. I was so so so worried what would happen that I just about worried myself into sitting in my room all night. But, I handled it and the sun came up and i didn't have a hangover! (yay!)

 

I will say that i am so thankful for this site it has allowed to do what I haven't been able to do for years. Process my problem, be AF and talk to others like me (because i thought i was alone in my "unique" problem). Thanks to you all for being a great voice to my crazy ears. :-)

I too would love to hear other opinions - I do feel positive but also have to not beat myself up- drinking at a party does not work, red wine in a social setting is definitely a no.. But above all I feel best when I abstain

B

Good for you Barb, I'm so glad that you're feeling so positive. Lots of people drink once in awhile and the sun still rises the next day. The important thing is that it remain "once in awhile" if that's the way you want it to be. That in itself is success. You're not drinking alone or nightly, your relationship with your husband has improved and you feel good. You also learned that one alcoholic beverage won't cut it for you.

 

Tricky, that is the conundrum so many of us face. Can I have a drink night once in awhile? And, how do you define "once in awhile?" It would be interesting in hearing from those who are moderating if they utilize such a measure for their moderating endeavors.

 

Anyone??

 

TS

Excellent Barb! Sounds like you have a good momentum going...very positive. Please share what you have discovered works best for you on your journey.

 

Continued Success!

TS

Fantastic!

All the best,

Dave