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Deciding when moderation doesn?t work.

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 55

Continued... I will not drink but at this moment I want to so bad I could cry. My mind is saying go ahead it'll relax you but that is life. It is only a craving. My daughter is sitting beside me but can't see what I am doing and she will keep me going for tonight. LisaDawn

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 55

Hi there: Day 4.dear day 4. I am not going to drink but the voice inside of my head actually said go ahead. You do not have a problem if you went this long but I wouldn't need that voice if I didn't have the problem to begin with. I told my husband that I was taking a break for as long as I thought was necessary and he felt bad because he had brought to my attention that I drank too much at times. What I know is that he does not know how much I think about drinking all the time. I wanted to drink all the time but held back some days but he doesn't know that. I remember reading the book "drunk mom" and wondering how the husband could not realize the wife's full problem because she was a raging alcoholic. Now I get it to some degree because he could not read her mind to see all she thought about was drinking as I have for a number of years. It was drinking and the spaces in between of thinking about drinking so now I sort of get it. I didn't realize how much so until now when I am facing up to my triggers and I realize there is not a thing that isn't a trigger but that is how I feel today

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1009

Hi LisaDawn,

I think I'm a positive person.......much more so when I'm not drinking though. When I was drinking my mood got progressively more gloomy, argumentative, and I could talk myself into feeling bad about myself with all sorts of fictitious crap. I found my drinking to be a progressive escalation. I would set a target of sobriety about once a year, usually based on a workout program and I would stop drinking for a few weeks or months (sometimes not) but I would always hit the re-start button. I could manage the drinking at first through moderation but after 4-6 weeks it would escalate and I would shift into full-party mode, which often entailed a party of 1. It didn't take long before I was stressed out with anxiety, getting short with people, becoming argumentative, and feeling depressed. Then the escalation hits the wall (binge) and I'm saying "I can't take this anymore. I have to quit". So that's what I did in July this year, I quit. But this time I've made quitting my focus rather than having quitting be a by-product of an exercise program. The workouts are starting back up again but they aren't an excuse to take a brake from drinking. LisaDawn, I hear myself when I read your posts and those of everyone else on this site. It's like we've all lived each others lives. Alcohol abuse is a global household, not a room isolated to just you or I, even though it truly feels like we're locked in a prison (more like an insane asylum) completely alone, where we're also the judge, jury, and executioner. I am positive though......that I acted like a total a$$ when I was drinking.

But now it's week 9 for me and I'm very positive in my outlook. I find the stresses are manageable in a productive way and very often I say to myself "I'm so happy right now....". I laugh a lot more (at myself in particular) and find the humor in life in general. Life is just so much better when I don't drink. We really have a lot to be thankful for, starting with the fact we've been given this great opportunity to eliminate a bad habit causing us a lot of grief with the support of all of the great people of this site and our friends and family. And for that I AM positively grateful. So if I haven't said it before let me say a huge "Thank you!" from me to all of you because you have made all the difference. Any success I have is your success too.

Best regards and keep fighting the good fight!

Dave

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 118

LisaDawn, thanks for your posts. You can do it. I like what Dave wrote too. John

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 55

Continued... Don't know how to keep in same paragraph. I was saying were you always such a positive person. I generally am so I want to be as positive about this as I can be and not doom and gloom about it. I need to maintain the same attitude you have. Thank you for the great advice. LisaDawn

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 55

Thanks Dave: again a couple tears as I read and I am not a depressed sort of person. I have been emotional today where my third day would normally not be but I would always know I would have drinks in the next night or two for sure. I don't plan on drinking and I will read that resource you gave me. I never thought about massage but I think I will try that. I know it will all take time. My husband was away but now he is back and will be home soon and will ask me to have a beer or wine with him and I will say no. I am going to wait until the right time to tell him that I want to stay away from it for good. He may have a hard time with that even though he worries about me drinking too much. He cannot have it all ways. Life doesn't work out that perfectly. He therefore can be one of my triggers so I will have to watch that. I know I can do this. You sound like such a positive person. Were you a

Ways

Ike

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1009

Hi LisaDawn,

My sleep was pretty bad when I stopped but is getting a lot better. I would literally wake up at 2 or 3am and be drenched in sweat. All of that is gone and I had actually forgotten about it. It takes time and perseverance so stick with it. We've conditioned our bodies to live a certain way and to use alcohol as a coping mechanism so it's no wonder we are preoccupied with it's absence because, after days without drinking, that addictive voice inside your head starts yelling...."Get me a damn drink already..!" If you didn't come across it in another post have a read through this perspective on the addictive voice:

https://rational.org/index.php?id=35

I found to to be very helpful in recognizing the triggers and the dialogue that goes along with them. That obsessive dialogue is enough to drive you nuts and it's a primary reason we go back to drinking. Separating yourself from it gives you the edge over it because, ultimately this addiction is at YOUR mercy and not the other way around. It can't pick up a drink without you doing it for it. Without you that addictive voice is completely useless. I've gotten to the point where I shake my head at myself for using my body at what amounts to an experiment in addictive behavior. I did this to myself and I created this inner voice that wants to drink. When I start feeling the strains of triggers I find myself saying "Well this isn't very comfortable! But there's nothing you can do about it so enjoy the ride because I'm not going to drink and it will pass". That's just me.....I figure I may as well ride out the experiment and laugh at myself for getting into this mess in the first place. I honestly consider myself fortunate that this is as bad as it gets, having some cravings, because it could be a lot worse. And what's wrong with a few cravings anyway? Every chance I get to not give in and stand my ground makes me stronger so I say "Bring 'em on!" Eventually I'm going to crush every one of them into the ground so the sooner the better. Life is fun so fight the good fight!

And the tension.....I found I had a lot of muscle tension and it was starting to impact my health so I found a really good masseuse. After an hour long session I feel like a bag of jelly. I was fortunate because he's also studying Chinese medicine and acupuncture. I mentioned I quit drinking and he recommended acupuncture to help with it so I'll let you know how it goes.

Stay strong LisaDawn! You are the one in control so give yourself time to ease into it. If you had just started a workout program and were lifting weights it's always painful the first week or 2 but you get stronger and you feel empowered by the change. This is no different. The tough part is always getting started but well worth the effort so stick with it!

Great job! Keep going and don't give up!

Best regards,

Dave

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 55

Hi Turquoise. I too suffer from insomnia. A few hours sleep last night as well. Doesn't help the perspective. I am feeling good today. Tomorrow will be my I feel so good I think I will have a few drinks day. I will not but the next day I will begin hurting and think my body is really tight so I would normally have a few drinks that day. Funny isn't it that I am always hurting by day 5 and never recognized it as tenseness and anxiety from not having a drink for 5 days. So I will continue to push through. These are not mild cravings that I get but very strong ones so I know I at the least have a very strong psychological addiction. I am so sick of the exact same cycle and I want to change it and as Dave said not waste anymore time getting wasted. I may not drink everyday but I spend all of my time worrying about the last time I drank and then when I will drink again. It is no way to live. I understand all that you mention being a mother. Been in those shoes. Thanks. LisaDawn

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 409

Ugh -- family got a stomach bug yesterday, and the kids stayed home sick all day. I'm up now at 2 in the morning, because my whole body hurts. Why is it that even like this, I feel like a glass of wine would help my tummy feel better? It's like when I used to smoke years ago. I would smoke my way through hacking coughs, because I was convinced it helped my lungs feel better. It's crazy, isn't it?

I have a quote for everyone here, from C.S.Lewis: "Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: What! You too? I thought I was the only one." I think that's why this forum works so well. We don't all have to really know each other to know that we can be friends. We all have this terrible problem that feels so lonely and personal and frightening, and then we come here and find out, What! You too?

I've been dealing with insomnia lately anyway, and the sleep deprivation always gets me slightly depressed. My H's birthday was this past weekend, and I was so busy with kid stuff (soccer tournament, swimming lessons, Girl Scouts) that we barely celebrated. My own birthday is coming up in a few weeks, and daily I tell myself that it would be so nice to celebrate with a glass of wine. I would only have one!! Or maybe two!! Or - what the hell, I could have a whole bottle, but it would be the only time I would drink for the entire year!! Right....

I will be going to a party a couple of days before my birthday at a friend's house. This friend is very wealthy, with a fabulous house and pool, and the last time I went to a party there (several years ago), I drank way too much. My kids were much smaller then, and they kept getting into stuff they shouldn't, because I wasn't keeping a very good eye on them. I finally overheard one person say in strong disapproval, "where is their mother right now?" It was slightly embarrassing at the time, and hugely embarrassing by the time I was completely sober the next day. I know the alcohol will be flowing freely at this upcoming party, and my kids will be with a babysitter this time. And even with that painful memory, the little voice in my head keeps saying "what a perfect opportunity to drink..."

And yet, because of the AHC website and this forum, I am now two months sober. I'm pretty sure I can get through all of these upcoming events, and not only stay sober, but have a good time as well. The constant support and lack of judgment on this site is so nice. Thanks, friends.

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1009

Absolutely great work Turquoise! Your persistence and drive is keep all of us inspired. And I have no doubt perhaps your husbands first thought was "Duck!" when he saw the look in your eye's when you tasted that soda.... ;)

Best regards,

Dave

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