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13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 616

Monica, your stats on closed adoption is so true. One thing I've withheld is that my husband is a recovered OxyContin addict and he is the child of a closed adoption. His adoptive parents are wonderful people with no addictive behavior whatsoever. He kept it from me for about 8 years, and when he finally told me the truth, I was ready to walk out on our marriage. I had no addiction to alcohol at that time and I was enraged when I found out. Its been about 5 years since he got treatment, but I always wonder if he could be under the influence. I commend him for being only the second person in our city to ever come off methadone treatment, and to have done it in less than 2 years. I think he's a very determined man, and his goal was to save his family. I saw addictive behaviors in him all the years we dated, but I chose to ignore them. Today I believe he's clean, but my level of trust is diminished.

Sometimes I want to blame him for my drinking problem, but it was at least two or three years after he got clean that my problem started. I need to accept that it's my own doing that has got me to this point. My addiction is my problem and I can't blame him for it. I just need to realize that it is what it is and deal with it.

So now you all know more about my life and all it's glory. Not so glorious is it? All in all my marriage is pretty good, he's a great guy who treats me like a queen. He was strong enough to kick a devastating addiction, I should be able to kick mine too.

Ok off to bed. Have a great night ladies and may we all have a great sleep.

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 36

Congratulations Ladies, another day! Turquoise, I relate to incorporating addictions in everything. I actually didn't start w/ alcohol but with drugs preserved as much more 'threatening'. I can't count the number of times I have agonized over why I was able to put down meth and cocaine-cold turkey without a second thought, but drinking has plagued me for years. I have always been very high functioning regardless of what I was ingesting. I was an IV drug user all through my early teens and college and no one was the wiser. Somehow drugs never wrecked my the way the booze does. I think that has been part of my problem, because I have always just gotten tired of any substance I have used in the past and quit, I have waited and waited for the same thing to happen with alcohol, and it simply isn't going to.

I think nature and nurture are at work in any addiction. I have read studies that show a predisposition to substance abuse and addiction even in cases of closed adoptions. I know, for me, part of it was growing up in the drinking environment. Watching the adult world thrive around it. I also think that even as adults, or young adults, our own social and professional circles play a role. I became enmeshed in creative fields very young and no one bats an eye at addiction in that circle, and to supplement my income I bartended for years-where of course you almost have to be a bit of a drunk; 'no one trusts a sober bartender'.

Hope, I think you make a great point about distrcting yourself. I can't count the number of times that I have used withdraw as an excuse to drink. There was a time when I would set an alarm to wake up every couple hours and have a drink because I was afraid of having another seizure. The irony is that at the same time I had several other things happening to my body caused by drinking that were much more serious. I am lucky that I have slowed my binging to a point that now I have only the hangover like side effects-you know general misery and the DT's etc. I no longer fear death by withdraw.

Camiol, the virgin drinks are a great idea. I think I may start that. Hope and Turquoise, you are both doing fantastic (Turquoise just think about waking up on the 5th of July and no being consumed by shame and regret. Maybe even being able to remember the whole party) BP-you are doing excellently with cutting back, it's a great place to build from. Thanks all of you for the support. This is really wonderful.

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 409

How many brain cells have I killed? I just noticed that I was saying "thirteen days sober" all day yesterday, when I actually hit my two-week mark on Sunday. Seems rather pathetic to make a big deal out of it, but it's a huge thing. I mean - the difference between thirteen and fifteen is two whole days without drinking. Right? 48 hours sober. Today is sweet sixteen days, and tomorrow is going to be a huge trial, because of that 4th of July pool party where everyone will be drinking. Right now I'm feeling strong and armed with my turquoise toenails and earrings, and my zero-calorie virgin margarita mixer chilling in the fridge...

Good luck at work today Camiol. I am having fewer wake-in-the-middle-of-the-night "am I hungover?" moments, but they have been a regular thing since I stopped. Perhaps last night was the first night I didn't do that... I know you can make it through today!

God, I am the addictive personality disorder poster child. I have an undergraduate minor in psychology, and my mom was a psychologist. I've always thought that those of us drawn to psychology are people with personal issues to figure out. (Not that I'm implying anything, Hope!

) Throughout my life I've had eating disorder issues and body image issues and smoking issues and drinking issues. And I am so darned good at incorporating them into a functional lifestyle that very few people know, and those who do know have no idea how deeply I really struggle with it all. As I approach my 50th birthday this autumn, I feel like I've finally - finally! - conquered most of my lifelong insecurities. I have consistently been at a weight that feels healthy for almost a year, and except for the liquid part, I have been modeling good nutrition for my kids. I quit smoking two years ago. I exercise regularly. I love my job and my marriage. And yet I am an alcoholic, and it has been the toughest and the most insidious vice to deal with. I just really love to drink. I mean, I love it! And it loves me for the first drink or two, and then it drags me under.

Kids are up, gotta go.

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 616

Good morning friends.....today is a new day and I hope to keep a positive attitude all day, and an alcohol free evening. I've proven to myself that I can make it through 6 days with no booze and I am going to challenge myself further this time and see if I can make it through the entire week and weekend with no alcohol. At the moment, I'm feeling positive and upbeat and I am confident that I can do this. This is the first time in quite a while that I felt this upbeat. I can't chalk it up to a good sleep, I woke up a couple times through the night to a nasty thunderstorm and when that happened, I was a bit confused about whether or not I was going to have a hangover in the morning. It's sad now that I realize that I am so used to waking up feeling like crap, that even when I don't drink, I am expecting a hang over when I wake in the morning. Do any of you wake with the same confusion in the middle of the night?

I'm trying to also change my eating habits in the morning. I usually dont eat until around 10:00 a.m, at work. Today I'm forcing myself to have a fruit smoothie before I head to the office, hopefully I'm kick starting the metabolism and this will increase my energy level.

Hope I congratulate you on another sober evening. How many nights have you not drank now? I hope to reach the milestones that you and Turquoise have reached. I'm in awe of both of you. I see the determination you ladies have, and it gives me all the more reason to be hopeful and successful in this journey.

Well I'm off to work. I wish all of you a great day!

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 51

Ladies,

I've spent a wonderful evening sober last night. Turquoise, I saw your post just before sleeping via telephone but couldnt reply. I went home alone yesterday but my daughter was having fun with neighbour's same age daughter. So i read newspapers, cooked, prepared the table for dinner to keep myself busy. I even didnot drink coke. When my hysband came, we had dinner, I read to my daughter and slept her. Spent some time with my dear social networks, including facebook and pinterest and we were both tired, decided to sleep at 22.00. I read like 1 hour and fell asleep at 23 I guess.

Last evening I discovered a perfect side effect of being sober: I'm not smoking!!! A package of 20 cigarettes took 3 days to finish, which is a miracle. I used to smoke 40 in one evening while drinking!!! It made me very happy to discover that. SO tell me positive side effects (bonuses) you discovered with you of not drinking... I'm sure you all have them..

Regarding the genetics versus learned behaviour argument, I beleive both. I hate to admit that but I studied psychology and have a MS degree on counselling (psychologist who couldnt help herself till she became a problem drinker, funny isnt it?) and both genes and the behaviours we learn while observing, while imitating, while trying make us what we became. My father was also a drinker, and he used to drink everynight 3 drinks while I was growing up. But not more, not less. I never saw him drunk whole my life. YES drinking was a usual thing for us while growing, but both me an my brother cant stop when we start drinking. I call it addictive personality disorder and I beleive something in genes create that. People like us are usually more prone to be either obese, or heavy smoker or problem drinker. But, it is smth that can be controlled with some effort after realizing it. REalizing is the keyword here. If you know that you have a tendency to that, you need to try harder to control yourself or you shuldnt cretae the environment that makes you uncontrolled from the beginning. Dont even think that I'm able to do it, while telling those. But for the first time in my life, I'm trying this hard WITH the SUPPORT I GOT from YOU.

I also would like to congratulate you BP for being strong (and controlled with your own words) with your goal. Withdrawal symptoms will just pass and it's very good to think they are the signs of your body getting rid of alcohol. Maybe you may try doing smth to keep yourself busy, rather them listening to your inner voice and attending to withdrawal symptoms. Distracting is smth works very well with me.

Ok, I have to start working now. will keep you posted later on..

PS: Do not worry, I'm not working as an health profesisonal, I'm working on HR :)

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 616

For me I believe genetics plays a big role in our inability to control drinking. Studies have proven that it is an inherited disease and I believe to some degree a learned behavior. I didn't choose to become a problem drinker, it just happened while I wasn't looking. Now I need to get a handle on it and hope to regain my former somewhat normal life.

I do feel good today, I kept busy all day, made a virgin mojito for dinner while my husband had a real one, and I did some yard work after dinner. That is my form of exercise. I love the physical work when I work in my gardens, and I find it to be soothing, as well as a great stress reliever.

BP I think you're really doing well by not drinking brandy for your third night. You must feel proud of yourself and you should be proud. I think you should reward yourself very soon. I don't like the stigma associated with the word alcoholic, but unfortunately this is what I am and I need to accept that. It's part of the healing process for me to be able to admit that I have a drinking problem.

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 409

Ahh - the nature/nurture question. Is it genetics or learned behavior? I do know that I already see some of my obsessive-compulsive behaviors in my gifted 8-year-old son. Red Flag!! My evil stepdad wasn't related to me, of course, but...drumroll please...my dad (a well-loved family physician who ran away from home when he was sixteen, then ditched my mom and me and my sisters when I was four) lived almost all of his mostly successful life addicted to prescription drugs, and HIS dad died as a total in-the-gutter drunk. My OCD has mostly served me well -- I'm driven and successful and high energy and all that jazz -- but obsessions are obsessions..... I know there are worse ones than alcohol, but it's all a matter of degree.

BP, I admire your determination to get through this on your own terms, and GOOD FOR YOU for going three nights without brandy. Control is a fabulous concept, but it often isn't a strong characteristic of 'heavy drinkers,' or we wouldn't have a problem in the first place. Don't forget that there is nothing wrong with finding help from doctors and/or medication, and sometimes it really does become necessary. I urge you to keep this in mind as you continue with your struggles. There are many winding pathways out of this abyss. Pure self-control is possibly the most difficult and unpredictable one.

Hang in there, Camiol. I'm with you on this, more than you know. You sound good today -- ready to start again from your new position of greater knowledge.

Sigh. I just finished cleaning the carport, and now I'm going to enjoy a peach-citrus Fresca, then I shall paint my daughter's toenails while my son indulges in his one-hour daily allowance of Wii. My daughter wants one toenail turquoise, one yellow, one blue, one red, one green.....

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 80

Hi Camiol and ladies,

Please do not put any stigma to ourselves. How about forget the word 'alcoholic', just say that we are a heavy drunkers without the control!!. :)

I don't believe that if a parents are an alcoholic, then their chid turn out to be the same. Everyone should has his/her own decision, and in your case, if you want to break the chain, you could. Don't think that your parents are alcoholic, then you are inherited the gene. No such story. So please do not worry about your kids. Try to deliever a good model to them--you are only a social drinker or you are not the drinker anymore. It is just your decision - your control. I keep on remembering myself the 'control' is very important. I know I cannot quit at once, like the bouncing ball, the harder you throw it to the wall, the greater its bound back. I am not going to push myself to quit overnight, because psychologically I am too concentrate whether I am going to drink or not drink, the urge is so obvious. So I try to use the strategy - to control first.

I think, to the heavy drinkers, the first step to quit, is to control first. once we could control ourselves to have less drinks and less drink, then finally we could quit.

Try to meditate. When I have the withdrawnal symptom - sweating, restless, I keep on telling myself, it is a process. It is a process to get rid of the alcoholic content in my body I have to go through it, then I try to sit and meditate for a while. Telling me myself, it is not the worse case, I am not being told that I have any terminal illness, I just try to quit drinking. What is the big deal!!

Tonight, it will be the 3rd night I quit from brandy.

Black Pearl.

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 616

Ladies I thank you for your words of encouragement, it truly means a lot and I find it very helpful. I hope that in some small way I have been able to help you through a rough spot. Because today is a lieu day for yesterday's holiday, I've kept busy with more painting and I took a little break to lay in the sun and just have some "me" time. I am of course thinking about having a drink, but I won't let that thought win me over. I will fix my virgin mojito if the urge gets really strong. For now the craving is just an annoyance. I hope you are all having a good day and will check in later.

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 616

Well isn't interesting how we all seem to have one alcoholic a$$ in our family, the person we vowed NOT to become. For me, it's my mom. She is an alcoholic...I actually never showed her the respect of calling her an alcoholic, I call her a drunk. She is mean and vicious when she drinks, and she has always been that way. Over the years I would always avoid her evening calls because I didnt want to speak to her while she was drunk. I would only speak to her in the mornings. Now I just don't speak to her at all. Anyway, I always swore I would not become my mother, and here I am a problem drinker like her. The difference is I'm a happy drunk who loves to have fun and laugh. She turns evil and hateful. I guess genetics plays a big role in how our bodies react to alcohol and determines whether we are simply a social drinker or an alcoholic. It angers me that I ended up with HER genes rather than my father's. What scares me most is I wonder if my daughter is at high risk to be an alcoholic too. That would devastate me if she had struggles with it when she gets older.

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