Hi Sly,
You raise a lot of interesting thoughts here. I'm trying to remember exactly what I was thinking when I first posted this, as my thought process has already changed again. If I recall correctly, it wasn't so much a crave or a desire to smoke. Instead, it was more my own ornery curiosity, which has gotten me into more escapades than I would probably even be allowed to describe here. Let's just say that, for many years, I didn't expect to live long enough for smoking to kill me.
I tend to engage in various behaviors--both positive and negative--in order to learn what they feel like. There is also an element of rebellion ("I can do this even though people say I'm not allowed") and adrenalin-seeking/ thrill seeking that motivates me. The honest, perverse truth is that, as I was becoming physically addicted all those years ago, I didn't care because I wanted to know what it felt like to be addicted to something. Unfortunately, my risk calculation on that one was pretty poor. I thought I would be able to quit in a year or so, as opposed to nearly a quarter century later.
Wow, writing that last part just gave me a strong reminder of why I don't want to play with even one puff. I don't want to do this for another 25 years. Not to mention the fact that the limitations that smoking creates will interfere with my own adventure seeking as I get older. I would rather be doing something outrageously stupid or fun than dealing with doctors, hospitals, pharmacies, or even just the interruption of having to smoke every hour or so.
I think that maybe what I needed from the relapse stories was the reminder that smoking another cigarette would not be thrilling or fun. Instead, it would be a very predictable path into a very repetitive and pointless behavior. What I needed most of all (and got) was a description from people of how surely and quickly relapse happens. I was beginning to doubt the author of Freedom from Nicotine, and needed to verify the law of addiction from real live ex-smokers. And I truly appreciate everyone who came on here to go through the difficult process of sharing those experiences. In short, I just needed a reality trip, and the people here gave me one.
...So, a couple of other related insights here:
1) I don't really crave cigarettes anymore. I do crave adventure, relief from boredom, relief from a full belly after dinner, excuses to leave difficult situations, etc. Those are real needs that can be met in a multitude of ways. Seeking to fulfill them with a smoke is actually a very non-adventuresome and non-creative way of doing that.
2) A while back, earlier in my quit, I was really struggling with the idea of someone relapsing and coming back to everyone with open arms to try it again. It just didn't seem fair somehow. ...As I was reading this and a few other posts yesterday, I realized that no longer bothers me. The person who keeps doing this again and again is only being unfair to him or her self. I should count myself lucky and proud to have gone a whole year and then some without one single puff. Unlike the person who has relapsed, I don't have to go through withdrawal again. Nor do I have to come crawling back here with my tail between my legs. ...And that last bit--not wanting to be humbled by failure or the need to ask for help again--is one of the things that keeps me going strong. After all, I am still a very rebellious person, just as I was when I first came here.
