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13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 375

xo Eyja. You have done so much for me just by writing.

Thank you too Vincenza.

You too Pen.

I'm not writing too much tonight because I'm tired. There were hundreds of people for Travis' funeral which I was glad for. It meant a lot to his mom. I don't see my son cry much, but he was weeping, and I was too. Later, the pastor asked that we let our kids know how much we love them. That is where things got really emotional. There were at least 100 kids, most I know. We as parents grabbed every single kid and told them that we loved them. All of them.

Then the kids went down to Carmel beach to hold their own celebration of Travis' life in their own way.

My mom is still in the hospital in pain. They told me that at the earliest, she may come home Monday, but they are also thinking of putting her in a rehabilitation hospital.

Back to not smoking. I'm not watching my days too closely anymore. But I did notice today that wherever I went, there was not a smoker in sight. I'm glad to be in the ranks. With all of the emotions, and really........ I can't emphasize enough the connections that happened....... Smoking always blocked me from feeling and being there. I was truly able to be there.

love you guys. Hug your kids and make sure they know you love them. Stopping smoking is a great way to let them know, but tell them too.

Deb

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 823

Hi Deb; So glad you're finding time to care for yourself too. It's so important when you're feeling bombarded from all sides! My heart goes out to you, your son, family and entire neighborhood in the face of this tragedy. I hope you can come together and draw on each other for support and understanding. Sometimes those hugs and quiet times together are all we survivors have to get us through!

I hope your mom's knee is on the mend so will include prayers for her speedy recovery too. And - oh ya - a hug for your dad too.

Isn't it incredible to realize that you have 77 days of NOPE under your belt already? That is a great achievement, and am so proud of you for maintaining your quit through all you've handled lately. You're really sticking to it this time! That's one blessing for today anyway! And ya know; I adore you too Deb, and am happy to share any ideas that may be helpful :) Eyja

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1853

Hi Deb,

You & your son are in my thoughts and prayers today!

Congratulations on your 76 days smoke-free, especially in the midst of such a tragic event.

Here for you,

Vincenza, Health Educator

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 2534

Well Done Deb,

Just keep waltzing along.

Penitent

Quit Meter

$59,048.00

Amount Saved
Quit Meter

Days: 1169 Hours: 11

Minutes: 40 Seconds: 57

Life Gained
Quit Meter

5368

Smoke Free Days
Quit Meter

118,096

Cigarettes Not Smoked

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 375

76 days :) Despite some really rough stuff, I am so much happier not smoking.

I'm sorry that I haven't checked in. So much is going on still.

But I do have to say that I've taken very good care of myself as a result of everyone's posts. I've taken time everyday-- usually it's short, but I'm doing it.

I took my mom in for surgery again today. She's not doing well. It was supposed to be outpatient, but she's in so much pain that they decided to keep her. I'm trying really hard not to think that the doc messed up..... but she was supposed to come home, and the pain is not abating.

I'm going to the memorial service for my son's friend tomorrow. I may have to leave to pick up my mom, but I'm going to honor this wonderful boy that I've loved and known his whole life. And hug his mom. We live in a teeny place, and it seems like our entire town is shutting down for this child. As it should.

I am so grateful for all of your responses. I can't respond individually, because I'm trying so hard to just hang in there. I have that good feeling again that I don't want to smoke. I've come too far. I promise to you all and myself that I will keep hanging in there.

Thanks for hanging in there with me. I need to get some rest because tomorrow is going to be tough.

xo.

Deb

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 792

Hi cvDeb, I know it has been a rough ride but........70 DAYS ! YAY for DEB !

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 823

You didn't smoke! Good for you : ) I agree wholeheartedly with Lainey that love goes a long, long way in healing. Hugs do help! And taking care of yourself is so important to keep a balanced perspective and you really deserve to allow yourself permission to do so. Like Ashley says, tears are ok too, if need be :(

It seems like a long time ago (now) that I showed up here late at night - meek, mild and in much emotional distress - on the verge of losing my Quit resolve and just needed one person's support. I was lucky, like you, that Pen happened to take time to extend an olive branch when I needed it most - I will be forever grateful to him for caring enough to reply to me and for introducing his Quit video to me, (that he's willing to share with you, and all who find their way to it). It features a band I'd never heard of before with a song that brought (and still brings) me hope. It's funny that I still cry when I listen to it, but for some reason that's just OK. I'm glad you plan to check it out - it may help to get you through those dark nights alone too! Bear hugs to you and your family <3 Hang in there. You're doing it!

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3875

I am so glad you didn't give in Deb. We all know that smoking isn't going to make any one of your issues any better. Pen is right, take care of YOU first, even if its only for a few minutes a day. You need to put yourself first because you aren't going to be of much help to anyone if your needs aren't met - that seems to be what life is trying to tell you right now isn't it? Pamper yourself, even if it's only for twenty minutes.

Hug your kids and tell them you really love them and that things will get better, and you know in your heart that they will. Ask them for help too, tell them you are struggling and they will understand. Sometimes they are just feeling neglected and not understanding the struggle you are going through. And sometimes all they need is a hug and a reminder that you love them. A little love goes a long way and what you give out, you get back. Tomorrow is always a better day, you know it will be better. (((((HUGS)))))

This too shall pass!

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 375

A new day. I didn't smoke.

Thank you Ashley. I know that hard things come, and that things will get better. It helped to be reminded of that. And Pen, thank you again for writing. I just needed to hear from one person, and you were that one person. I took your advice and grabbed a blanket. On the couch again, but at least I got some sleep.

Eyja, I adore you :) I still feel horrible, but you have such an amazing attitude. I'm grabbing a hold of it and borrowing it if you don't mind. I'm going to get through my day and take care of myself.

And I appreciate also you talking about what you and your hubby went through when you quit. I don't know why he's so angry all of the time, but it really could be about the changes I've made. All I know is that I really need to take care of myself. Emotionally detaching is a good idea. Getting upset isn't helping anything, and it's triggering me to crave smoking. Which I refuse to do. But it's there and I can feel it.

Have to get going to work. Thank you for writing everyone. This really is, like Eyja said, a sanctuary. Pen, I'll check out your video. I haven't seen it yet.

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 11226

Hi Deb,

So sorry to hear all that's going on for you. I can't think of the right word to articulate what I am hearing in what you write, all I keep thinking is hard. This is hard now but it will pass. Keep doing what your doing, cry, post, rest do what you need to just take it one day at a time. It will get easier; until then we are all here to listen.

Ashley, Health Educator

Here to help :)

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