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Emotions and Feelings

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 984

I find it is so hard dealing with people and relationships without the nicotine to numb all the feelings so you don't have to feel all the emotions..... My partner really doesn't like it when I get angry and express the way I feel.

My word, we must be twins. You've found the key to succeeding in your quit, and at only 35 days! That's so huge, I can't find the words to tell you how glad I am. Now, the monster you'll find under the bed is how to deal with it. Unfortunately, there aren't enough night lights in the world and you must learn to sleep in the dark.

Now you know your two choices. One is easy and one is blisteringly hard. It would actually be so much simpler if you were just dealing with your own feelings, and other people outside your closest comfort zone. But enter the partner and whoa nellie, here's where the fairground ride starts spinning.

You found your partner when you were smoking. Your behaviour was entirely shaped by smoking. Your reaction to stressors, anger, fear, joy, all involved smoking. Count the time you've been together. Months? Years? Decades? The longer it was, the more that behaviour became the norm. And the norm is now 37 days gone. And you are changing yourself. You are finding your voice, you are desperately searching for the right words to get out what you want to say without shaking the tree. To be perfectly blunt, this new behaviour, this new voice, these new words scare the crap out of your partner. Why? Because most people just don't like change - especially when it's not under their control.

Rose - you must shake that tree, because from it you'll find the sweetest of fruit.

I think in the past 3-1/2 years I've contemplated divorce at least a dozen times. The shock and change of my new voice has been somewhat traumatic on occasion. I would never have dreamed of divorce when I was smoking. I don't like change much either. But I'm not divorced. Things are sometimes very very shaky and I hate the thought of speaking my mind as much now as I used to. But my husband has realised this is the new reality, this is the changed life that we both are now living and if we are going to continue to be together he's got to deal with it. And bless him, he is dealing with it. And god help me, I am finding strength from a place where there previously wasn't a shred of it.

There is a certain issue of low self esteem to most smokers I've ever known. My self esteem was absolute rock bottom forever before I quit smoking. That manifests itself in passive / aggressive behaviour for many people and me very much included. As a smoker, I was either in total avoidance of confrontation or shouting my head off in anger. Being assertive is so foreign that most of us ex smokers don't know where to start. There are so many of us here on the SSC either in that place now or coming out on the other side. If nothing else, this is the place you can always come when the words don't find their way to your throat, when you've tried to get across your feelings and they come out like you're speaking hieroglyphics. Take stock of it all, offload it all here, and I guarantee you'll find an understanding shoulder to lean on.

I can't promise your relationship will change quickly or change at all, but I can honestly say that the ability to speak my mind which I've found in the absence of that horrible addiction has changed my life completely and I think it will quite probably do the same for you.

It's time to commit to your quit, and to find the courage you need to get over every hurdle that you find in your way. There will be too many to count but you'll find after going over a few they'll feel lower, you'll feel stronger and you may actually be looking forward to the next one. That sounds like cheerleading at a time when you felt so low you bought a pack of cigarettes, but think carefully about how that pack will help you in your problems. You're absolutely right, it won't. It'll help you AVOID them. Do you really want to do that anymore? I dare say no.

Rose, you can do this. If you couldn't, I would not see a big 37 down there on your post.

x T

My Mileage:

My Quit Date: 1/1/2007
Smoke-Free Days: 1282
Cigarettes Not Smoked: 29,486
Amount Saved: �8,108.65
Life Gained:
Days: 114 Hrs: 9 Mins: 42 Seconds: 40

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1387

Rose:

I hope that you threw those cigarettes out. They will not help you in any way. They will only bring on more anguish. Now reward yourself for passing this temptation. You are doing great.

Kaiser

My Mileage:

My Quit Date: 7/30/2008
Smoke-Free Days: 706
Cigarettes Not Smoked: 17,650
Amount Saved: $882.50
Life Gained:
Days: 137 Hrs: 15 Mins: 32 Seconds: 16

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 2508

Samantha:

Thank you for the caring response. I never really thought about it but yes I did take a lot of breaks when I was a 2pk a day smoker. I really like your idea of taking breaks like I used to and doing something relaxing/self loving and positive instead of negative on my breaks like I used to. This would be more in tune with my new life style. I am looking forward to trying these non-smoking decompression breaks. Thanks for the idea and positive input. I will continue to move forward and learn new coping skills with the help of this program the educators and its members. I am learning new ways to deal with my emotions and grief as it relates quitting smoking. Thank you all for being here and sharing your thoughts and ideas in this forum.

Red

My Mileage:

My Quit Date: 5/30/2010
Smoke-Free Days: 37
Cigarettes Not Smoked: 1,480
Amount Saved: $481.00
Life Gained:
Days: 5 Hrs: 3 Mins: 58 Seconds: 40

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 2508

nonic:

Thank you for your compassionate and caring response. I love the way you put it so poetically. Thank for reminding me that we are not all anger or sadness or what others think we are. We are wonderful and loving people and we are all children of God. Yes I have emotions and feeling like all being do and it is ok to have feelings. I must face myself and my feelings in a way that does not destroy myself and others. Thank you for the post.

Rose

My Mileage:

My Quit Date: 5/30/2010
Smoke-Free Days: 37
Cigarettes Not Smoked: 1,480
Amount Saved: $481.00
Life Gained:
Days: 5 Hrs: 3 Mins: 53 Seconds: 57

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 2508

Rusty,

Thank for the Congrats, support and encouragement. I am using a sister site here to help me deal with some of my issues.

Rose

My Mileage:

My Quit Date: 5/30/2010
Smoke-Free Days: 37
Cigarettes Not Smoked: 1,480
Amount Saved: $481.00
Life Gained:
Days: 5 Hrs: 3 Mins: 50 Seconds: 18

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 2508

Brenda, Thank you for your caring and supportive response. You are right I do have a right to show my emotions. It is my quit and they are my emotions. I would also like to say I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my mother in 2006 the day before mothers day and it is hard. I do miss her more on the anniversary. I went to live grief groups for around a year after the loss of my husband in 2003 and it helped me understand the griveing process. I was trained to deal with grief as a home health aid/nurses aid way back when so that I could help my patients. I have found that after going through the process my self it gave me a much better understanding of grief. This is something I could not fully understand until I went throught it my self. My heart goes out to you today.

Rose

My Mileage:

My Quit Date: 5/30/2010
Smoke-Free Days: 37
Cigarettes Not Smoked: 1,480
Amount Saved: $481.00
Life Gained:
Days: 5 Hrs: 3 Mins: 49 Seconds: 45

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 2606

Hi Roses,

I am glad to hear that you did not give in to your craving. People in recovery do have ups and downs, and sometimes more downs than ups unless they adopt new ways of coping, none of which happen overnight. We keep saying that quitting is a process. Anger may plan an unexpected role for you in this process, and better coping skills need to be developed to deal with this also.

When many smokers quit, they go through changes that require some unmasking. Take anger, for instance: As nicotine addicts, we might have swallowed our anger, or lit up rather than make a scene when something really irked us. It have been easier and less stressful than engaging in confrontation about some problem. In such anger, a nicotine fix became the crutch, the comforter and the savior of sorts, and quite a coping mechanism! (Or so we thought anyway.)

We go through mourning with all it's stages, including the stage of sadness and anger. Quitting is a major loss, physically and psychologically, and a quitter will naturally mourn that loss for a little while, until they freely accept the quit and adopt it, just letting go of smoking.

Here are some strategies:

Take regular, planned timeouts for yourself. Be realistic and honest: How often did you take a break to light up before? 20 times a day? More? For 5 or 10 minutes? That inner regular need for a break to change your thoughts or environment and decompress at regular intervals should be abandoned altogether, now should it? Pay close attention to this old existing need. Substitute a breathing exercise or something relaxing and self-loving. Set an alarm clock if you need reminding and keep resetting it.

Listen to some music perhaps too, or just pick a form of *regular distraction and relaxation*, and do it for a couple of minutes each time. If you take regular 'non-smoking decompression breaks, you may be pleasantly surprised at the results.

Keep working hard and post often!

Samantha, Health Educator

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 136

Rose, I can hardly add to what Brenda and nonic have already so eloquently said, except to say that at about one month into my quit, I decided I need some help in dealing with my anger and emotions. I was able to find a counselor through my workplace employee assistance program. She hadn't done work with recovering smokers but had experience in addiction withdrawal in general, so she was very helpful to me in finding techniques to deal with my stuff. Good luck to you and congratulations for your awesome quit!

Rusty

My Mileage:

My Quit Date: 12/13/2004
Smoke-Free Days: 2031
Cigarettes Not Smoked: 103,581
Amount Saved: $23,305.73
Life Gained:
Days: 187 Hrs: 23 Mins: 6 Seconds: 45

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 880

Roses:

I believe that you have uncovered a very important truth for yourself. It may sound odd to you, but I am very happy for you, because this knowledge is not an inhibitor, it is a building block for you. For me cessation has been about learning the why of the addiction as much as it has been about not smoking. You have said some very important things, although they are painful.

People do not desire smoking. People desire nicotine. They do not desire it because it is beautiful like a flower or because it is curious like a cloud formation. We desire it because it keeps us from looking at things about ourselves that we think are not desirable. We use it to tamp down the emotions and feelings that well up in us from time to time. Perhaps there are things we wish not to experience. But what is the point of destroying the vessel (the body) in order not to experience the wine that it contains. Who and what you are is important.

For better or worse we are feeling beings. It is how we recognize and channel those feelings that makes us who we are. I know this is difficult. But being human is not an easy business. It is a very sharp world and we are very round creatures...We are going to feel pain...We are going to not like ourselves from time to time. And yes anger will come. I do not like it in me any more than I like cleaning the bathroom or picking out curtains (for me both are arduous). But at the end of the day we must face ourselves in a way that does not destroy ourselves.

Be patient with yourself, you are moving forward...Do not turn back and cower in the darkness beneath a blanket of smoke...Come out into the light...Of course it will hurt your eyes initially...It always does. But you are not your anger, you are not your sadness, you are not what others think of you. You are a wonderful being created by a gardener of vast skills. And being so you cannot grow with out the essentials of water and light. Do not seek that which you already know to be dark and void of substance...

stay well

nonic

My Mileage:

My Quit Date: 12/25/2006
Smoke-Free Days: 1289
Cigarettes Not Smoked: 38,670
Amount Saved: $13,534.50
Life Gained:
Days: 252 Hrs: 5 Mins: 59 Seconds: 22

Quit Meter

$68,691.00

Amount Saved
Quit Meter

Days: 1417 Hours: 6

Minutes: 44 Seconds: 51

Life Gained
Quit Meter

6542

Smoke Free Days
Quit Meter

196,260

Cigarettes Not Smoked

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1904

I understand what you are saying. I've felt sad all day today. It is the anniversary of my mother's death, and my own death might not be that far off. Your quit is yours. So are your emotions. Frankly it is unfair of your partner to expect for you not to show emotions, as long as you do so appropriately. I would just be me, the best me I could be--recognizing that others have rights too, and then I would let the chips fall where they may. Hang on to your quit. See it this way if necessary: If you lose your quit over this, the other person wins.
My Mileage:

My Quit Date: 5/1/2009
Smoke-Free Days: 431
Cigarettes Not Smoked: 12,068
Amount Saved: $5,128.90
Life Gained:
Days: 48 Hrs: 11 Mins: 12 Seconds: 52

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