Well, I had a tough day at work, Business wise, this has been my worst year in 10 years of being in the work force. Had some pretty tough news yesterday, and yes, I smoked one cigarette. Just one. (I didn't buy a pack, in NY you can buy what are called "loosies", just one cig from a street vendor) I went home, admitted the multiple levels of failures both to myself and to my wife, hid in the closet for about 30 mins (literally--I can be very odd). I wasn't able to admit my shame to you all until today. In fact, I almost didn't....
I have only had one cig, I got some nico gum to, shall we say, compliment the patch. Hopefully, that will get me through.
My comfort food is McDonald's and I resisted that. I think if it hadn't been so cold, I probably wouldn't have resisted that, either. I would have walked the 6 blocks and gotten 2 big macs, a large fries and a chocolate shake.
When I was a kid, my grandpa, a heavy smoker, would come every Saturday with Micky D's for lunch. The smell of cigarettes and McDonalds together is the most comforting, warming, happy smell that I know.
I THINK I am in control again, as much control as an addict can ever be. I want to be a Non-Smoker. I want to be thin. I also want to be happy. If I can't be happy, why can't I have short term happiness with fried food and cigarettes... I know why, but that part of me, that part that will always be there, is saying Screw it Api, what difference does it make anyways? Eff-it, have the effing smoke. I am fighting, but..... Only a minute by minute, second by second push forward will do it.
Anyways, I am not going to re-set my quit meter. I still feel QUIT, with a small re-lapse....Should I have another, I know it won't be just one, and I'll have to start over but for now, I still feel quit.
My Milage:My Quit Date: 12/6/2008
Smoke-Free Days: 40
Cigarettes Not Smoked: 1,600
Amount Saved: $720.00
Life Gained:Days: 5
Hrs: 7
Mins: 10
Seconds: 0
