Wow
You folks really make me feel welcome and perhaps a bit accomplished in our mutual struggle. That is actually an understatement. I feel a great deal of victory in my blood tonight. And it is so special to recieve such wonderful tidings from people who know all to well the difficulty of tredding this path. Thank you all for taking the time to remind me of the fact that I have now done something that once I thought impossible. It dosen't get much better than that...
When I began making this change in my life, I was in a rather obsessed state. I had thrown away my last cigarette 24 hours prior to finding this site. I was looking for answers to questions I had not even asked yet. On some level I knew that I was going to leave behind an addiction that had served me as an emotional and in some ways as a physical shield against the ever present slings and arrows of life in the 21st century. And that in a nut shell is the absolute terror that many people experience when first they contemplate ending the addiction cycle.
For to many years I knew I had pulled that blanket of smoke over the bits of me that recoiled in anger, that felt the pain of lonliness, that experienced the pangs of rejection, that wandered in confusion. In short if it hurt...I smoked. However, all the while I was shielding myself from these things, I was slowly killing the body. In the end I concluded that no matter how painful it might be there was no logic in destroying the body in an effort to avoid experiencing the soul. And that is what all of you kind folks have helped me accomplish.
Tonight I was in a convenience store on my way back from visiting some old friends. Looking at the cashier, I could not help but take in the rows and rows of cigarettes behind her. And although I found her to be quite attractive, the little shiney packs on the shelf held no facination for me what so ever. And that is how it should be.
In order to give you a sense of the difference a year makes, I thought I would leave you with a little story from my journal that was written shortly after I quit. I do hope the contrast between my encounter this evening and the text that follows will give you hope that this can be done and that you can do it...
The Devil At The Door
I had a major struggle with the old boy this morning, having awakened at 4:00 AM to the cold steel of an anxiety attack. I know full well the source of this mental pain, but the old remedy was no longer availabe and having made it this far I was not about to turn tail now. I had terrible dry mouth and sores (probably from injesting way to many altoids and sharp peppermint over the last few days. I would rather smell like a peppermint leaf than a tobacco leaf any day.
I got a good hot shower and went out into the predawn. In the old days I would have stood and stared at the sky while sucking down a cancer stick, but this time I managed to just start walking.
I began my usual mantra of positive self talk, remembering why I started this quest in the first place, feeling the added depth in my lungs, being thankful for the cleansing that was taking place. Soon I stepped up the pace. Bringing myself to an awareness of all the good and positive things in my life, I let the street beneath my feet slip by at a faster pace.
In time I was running, the sun was just throwing out its rays in the eastern sky and the buildings where flying by. I don't know how many miles I did this morning, but I will tell you this, I managed to run farther and faster than that old demon and that is all that matters to me.
Take heart when you are feeling weak in your resolve, and know that you are not feeble, you are not lacking in the courage to continue. Each day is a victory for you, even though each moment is a trial. You have a great power within you to alter your perceptions and when you start to do that you will leave that wretched creature far behind you sucking dust and the poison that is its very nature.
nonic
[B]My Milage:[/B]
[B]My Quit Date: [/B]12/25/2006
[B]Smoke-Free Days:[/B] 366
[B]Cigarettes Not Smoked:[/B] 10,980
[B]Amount Saved:[/B] $3,843.00
[B]Life Gained:[/B]
[B]Days:[/B] 66 [B]Hrs:[/B] 17 [B]Mins:[/B] 35 [B]Seconds:[/B] 7
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Quit Meter
$68,617.50
Amount Saved
-
Quit Meter
Days: 1415
Hours: 22
Minutes: 2
Seconds: 34
Life Gained
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Quit Meter
6535
Smoke Free Days
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Quit Meter
196,050
Cigarettes Not Smoked
