When I first started this journey I just thought I was going to quit smoking. Little did I know of all the other things I was going to learn to do.( or not do)
I am an emotional person who never really dealt with anything without a smoke. That has been the biggest hurtle for me DEALING WITH EMOTION. I didn�t think I was an addict. That is not how I saw myself. I also didn�t see myself as a weak person. In fact I thought I was pretty strong. I took care of a lot of things, raised a family, cared for aging and sick parents ,enabled a functional alcoholic and maintained the upkeep of a home and 30 acres. I done all of this running back and forth always doing two or three things at once.
The grand kids came along and things began to change. We needed to break some cycles that had run for generations in our background. No one smokes any more and everyone knows it is bad for your health and we are at the age where health is every thing. It don�t take as much alcohol to make you drunk but it takes more nicotine to keep you feeling normal. What ever normal is. Conflict, a different view, not willing to change. All those things have just about destroyed my peace of mind. After many battles and much heartache I entered into the realm of just trying to fix me.
So here we are 90 days later and I can look back and evaluate the change in my life from not smoking. Maybe the biggest thing is accepting the fact that one day I will die alone. Like my Mother and Father before me. When that time comes it is just me and God. In fact it is just me and God most of the time now. Other family and friends give us moments of comfort and joy but they do not MAKE us happy. Living in the moment without fear that something is wrong or is going to go wrong is every bit as hard to do as not smoking. Smoking filled a space. An empty space where you don�t have to do anything but puff and your blood pressure will rise to make your heart beat faster. Numb you feelings and confuse your emotions.
Smoking did not change the world I live in. Smoking changed me. I now understand the power of addiction. I know only the person with the addiction can do anything to change it. I know I am that person.
Is life better for me now? Yes. I can breath better. I don�t cough in the mornings or all day for that matter. I feel a lot of pride in coming this far. I enjoy being around my grand kids knowing I do not smell of smoke.
Do I still struggle? Yes. It is the old behavior that is the really hard thing to change. It is the way of life that continues on around me the same as before. I am living in the same world I was in 90 days ago and everything is the same except I don�t smoke.
Regrets, I have a few, I regret that I didn�t quit when I was younger. I regret that I spent so much time trying to fix things that I have no control over.
Plans, I have a few of those too. I plan to not smoke today. That is my choice. I plan to keep changing all the old behaviors that draw me back into the world of uncertainty. The world where I believed that smoking would calm me down, or some how help the situation. I plan to love the people in my life to the best of my ability. I plan to work every day to make me a better me.
I am doing a lot of hard work to get ME back smoke free. I am in the process.
[color=Blue]BLUE CLOUD[/color]
[B]My Milage:[/B]
[B]My Quit Date: [/B]7/4/2007
[B]Smoke-Free Days:[/B] 90
[B]Cigarettes Not Smoked:[/B] 1,800
[B]Amount Saved:[/B] $360.00
[B]Life Gained:[/B]
[B]Days:[/B] 12 [B]Hrs:[/B] 0 [B]Mins:[/B] 25 [B]Seconds:[/B] 42