This craving and withdrawal has got to stop and pretty soon. The cure is getting as bad as the disease. I coughed really really bad, which is no worse than being in the kind of pain anxiety and tension is now. One thing leads to another and another, each one piling on making things worse. My muscles get so tensed up, they'll spasm, I end up with never impingement in my neck which makes my hands numb or some massive cramps. I have chewed enough gum to put lesions on the inside of my mouth. To deal with this, I've been taking aspirin. Over the course of a few days I forget just how much and how often. I ended up with a truly huge nosebleed last night. Frightening enough to call paramedics. Enough to make me dizzy. It will cost enough to take all the money I haven't or won't spend on cigarettes for the next several months.
I cannot take anti anxiety medication. It makes me suicidal. I have tried all the deep breathing, mental relaxation, imaging in the world. Even stuff that I did a month ago no longer works for me.
There is only one thing I need and that is for the cravings and withdrawals to stop or at least become manageable. Right now, I've stopped the aspirin and started taking my husband's codeine. I can't do that for a long period of time. That's not the kind of medication that someone can stay on for long.
Realistically, how long am I looking at here. I've got 66 days in, it did get better for quite a few days and I've had some GREAT days, but it seems worse now, has been really bad for over a week. Realistically, how much longer will this last, because honestly, I can't hang on for much longer. I'm ready to take my chances with the coughing.
